Posts

Journal Entry: Just got back from my honeymoon to Puerto Morelos, Quintana Roo, Mexico. Great trip, great food, great company. Quick note: the Sargassum seaweed in the Caribbean is going to destroy the tourism industry in a lot of places. The beaches are covered in this nasty shit for like 5-6 months a year now and it seems to be getting worse. When I read about it, I wasn’t that concerned. But the problem is not its unsightliness or location that ruins the beach. It’s the smell. It smells like what the sewer manholes smell like when they waft up on a hot day. But this smell will emanate hundreds of yards from the shoreline. I didn’t even want to be near the beach, much less on it.

Anyways, main topic of this post is something I have argued repeatedly with almost every female who’d hear my perseverations about it. I’m referring to party hosting and the amount of food prepared for such events. Every woman that I’ve spoke to about this feels the same way: a good host never lets the food run out. Some even go as far as to say that a single dish shouldn’t even run out, lest somebody not get to try it.

First let me preface my take on this by saying that I do not advocate for underfeeding guests. There should be enough food prepared that each guest gets ample and fair opportunity to get well fed if they choose, with considerable variety preferred. I also understand there are special events that don’t apply to my stance, including weddings. I’m mainly referring to casual/semi-formal get togethers and parties. This includes having friends over to watch a game, a baby shower, a cinco-de-mayo party, etc.

My opinion is that if the food runs out, I have succeeded. Now again, this doesn’t mean I will serve 4 sandwiches at a party with 20 people and consider it a success. If I had a party of 20, I’d serve 20 sandwiches. If somebody wants 2, I really don’t care. Most likely, only about 75% of people will eat anything at all and 25% will eat half of a full meal. In my experience, if I order 20 sandwiches, I’ll have at least 5 whole sandwiches left over.

Now you may be wondering, what’s wrong with that? Everyone got what they wanted, you’re a great host, and you have leftovers! The truth is: I don’t want any fucking leftovers! First of all, I already ate 2 sandwiches at the party because I spent the day making them and it made me hungry for them, so those leftovers don’t sound that appealing anymore. Next, I don’t want to store them. I already have my meals/groceries planned and I don’t need a bunch of extra food unless I can explicitly plan for it. Last, I spent money and time to make these sandwiches and there’s a very small chance I’ll actually eat all 5. What am I going to do, eat a sandwich for 5 meals in a row? Sounds like something one of those meal prep gym guys does. Fucking chicken and rice 3 times a day will make your pallet so unrefined you’ll pair red wine with Kraft Mac and Cheese.

This all stems from my utter hatred of food waste. There are few things that annoy me more than throwing away food that has spoiled, or even worse, is still fresh but too unappetizing or inconvenient for me to eat. I don’t really know why I hate it so much, but I go to fairly extreme measures to avoid this, including drinking spoiled milk regularly. It might be because my family was from an agricultural background and instilled some Depression-Era thriftiness in me. It might be because I’ve worked briefly in agriculture and know how much societal effort is put into everything we eat. It might be because I feel like throwing something away is a failure on my part to properly plan and budget. Whatever it is, it doesn’t feel noble. I don’t want to act morally righteous here. To me, this compulsion feels totally self-serving.

But food waste is bad. Look up the statistics, it’s crazy how much food we throw away. And almost as much as I hate throwing things away, I hate unexamined social guidelines. Why the hell does every girl feel the need to provide a party with enough food for them all to vomit from fullness? It’s like the old grandmother stereotype who just keeps giving you more and more food. And I don’t want to talk shit on grandmothers, I’m just saying: the assholes at your party are not your grandchildren! Just let them eat a few lettuce wraps and not be stuffed. They will survive, in fact, they’ll probably be happy they used some discretion.

If the food runs out, you wasted nothing. That is 100% efficiency, baby!

I’m watching this Bob Ross documentary: Happy Accidents, Betrayal & Greed. It never occurred to me that Bob Ross was basically a sex symbol for 55 year old ladies in 1989. I love Bob’s whisper voice; there’s no better program for putting me to sleep. But honestly I thought he was like a Mormon or something. I thought he was asexual. The man raised baby squirrels in his pocket for God’s sake. I’m a little grossed out that this calming presence I’ve fallen asleep to so many times was trying to seduce me.

How many women in their 70s had sex dreams about Bob Ross in the 90s? Old Bobbo beating the devil out of it.

I was going to post about this last week, but I was getting married. That went well, by the way. It was a great weekend, I’ll remember it forever!

Andrew Cuomo resigned, because he’s a touchy guy. His touchiness has been corroborated by almost a dozen women. Society is finally putting an end to touchy folks! This is an enormous victory for everybody who values personal space.

I remember in elementary school, I made a friend early on in 3rd grade. I was new to the school and this kid Brett was nice to me. He was a nice guy, liked stuff I like, but Brett had a glaring issue that I learned after I started hanging around him. He was a touchy guy. Brett used to tell you a story and always felt the need to put his hand on your back, or your arm, or your neck. He also didn’t take subtle hints, like when you would move away slowly, shift position, etc. I liked Brett, but I was a 3rd grader, and 3rd graders are very mean. There was rumors that Brett was gay, since he was so touchy. I don’t think anybody actually thought he was gay, they just used “gay” to mean his social skills were undesirable. My friendship ended with Brett when he found me gossiping about how I thought he was gay with some other kids. He tried to fight me and we went to the principal. I convinced him that he would get in more trouble than me in the lobby and told him to let me do the talking. I told the principal he misheard me and it was a misunderstanding. We actually didn’t even get our parents called. I do still feel bad about making fun of him, but some well-placed bullying can be useful. Maybe if Andrew Cuomo had been ridiculed for his touchiness he wouldn’t have made so many women feel uncomfortable.

We have finally reached a point where personal space people outnumber touchy people. I define the personal space crowd as those of us who believe that touching somebody else is only required if there is an explicit reason. There are tons of good reasons to touch somebody, but you do need a reason. Just having a conversation with somebody does not mean you can touch them. Even if you know them well. If my best friend touched me for no reason while telling an anecdote, I’d tell him to fuck off.

It wasn’t always like this. I remember as a kid there was “touchy” adults. This is in no way sexual. I’m not talking about creepy pervs. I’m just talking about those other dads that would bend down and put there hand on you to tell you something. Or a pastor than would look in your eye and touch your knee when you were talking about Jesus. Again, nothing sexual here. Just in my space. I guarantee Mr. Rogers was one of these guys, but he was a saint. Point being, it used to be considered charisma to touch people. These people were seen as sensitive and in tune with others emotions. Kind of like they had a good bed-side manner. But these people are done and their reign is over. And I am happy for it! I never liked these fucking guys. They gave me the willies. Mostly because I’m not emotional and don’t see the practical value of risking touching somebody. They might be a touchy person too, and really appreciate the contact. Or they might just think you’re a fucking weirdo and end your entire career in court 5 years later.

Ok I love tier lists. One of the few things Gen Z has got absolutely right. Ranking stuff is fun, tier lists are the best way to do it visually. The included sandwiches are ones I hand-picked, mainly from America. But there are some foreign options, but only ones I’ve actually had. Lets go.

Bahn Mi – C-Tier. Possibly the most overrated on the list. You read the ingredients and think its going to be amazing, kind of like a salmon sandwich. But the moisture content is never just right. Too many veggies, too many flavors.

BLT – B Tier. I’ll never turn down a BLT, but results may vary heavily since its so reliant on the bacon. Easy choice right in the middle. The Mendoza line of sandwiches.

Brat – A Tier. I love anything that is cooked in beer. Easy to prepare. The burps keep it from S tier.

Breakfast Sandwich – A. I wish I could eat one every morning. I’m just too lazy and cheap. I should start eating these at night….

Burrito – S Tier. Elite food. It’s so hard to fuck up. Endless variations. Mexico is the best neighbor to have.

Cheeseburger – B. Only thing that keeps the classic American cheeseburger from A tier is its wild inconsistency. I’ve had cheeseburgers that were a religious experience. I’ve also had cheeseburgers not fit for a dog.

Cheesesteak. A Tier. You’ve got to try to legit Philly recipe with cheeze whiz. Don’t come at me with your green pepper bullshit. Don’t try to church up the cheesesteak.

Club. C Tier. Taylor gonna hate me on this one. Clubs are for when your too hungover to decide what you want to order. They are the vanilla pudding of sandwiches. So many average clubs out there, so few good ones.

Cubano. Low B Tier. I do like the ingredients on this sandwich and I make them at home a lot because they’re easy. They’re solid but don’t kid yourself, it’s just ham and a pickle. I don’t get what all the fuss is about.

Doner Kebab. S Tier. Probably my #1 pick. If you’re ever in Germany, please get a doner kebab. They’re superior to all similar pita-esque sandwiches in every way. I don’t even know what’s in them, to be honest,. But every one I’ve had made me want to move to Europe.

Falafel. F Tier. If a Cubano is a fraud, Falafel is Enron. You bite this thinking its fried meat, but it’s chickpeas or some shit. I don’t really like hummus either. But it’s my tier list, and I put Falafel on here specifically to shit on it.

French Dip. A Tier. I’ve never had a bad French Dip, because I’ve never had bad Au Jus.

Grilled Cheese. B Tier. Obviously I’m assuming we’re working with tomato soup here. Comforting, homey, domestic. Like a mother womb. But this meal is like methadone. It’ll just get you by.

Gyro. B Tier. These can be awesome but if the pita has that dry flour stuff all over it, it saps your mouth of moisture. Really dependent on a good pita.

Hot Dog. C Tier. I only want a glizzy when I’m drunk and it’s served out of a cart. But at home, these are basically food stamp garbage.

Lobstah Roll. A Tier. Expensive as fuck but goddamn are these good. I had a 25$ lobster roll once and it was good enough that I didn’t regret it.

Meatball Sub. S Tier. Shitty ingredients, quality ingredients, it makes no difference to the meatball sub. You could serve me one of these from a elementary school cafeteria and I’d shovel it down my gullet.

Pasty. B Tier. Cornish in heritage, popular in certain regions of the US. I would put sausage rolls from the UK and Australia in this category. It’s like a high-quality hot pocket. Can be really nice but it’s still basically a hot pocket.

PBJ. F Tier. Here’s my controversial take. This is the pick that’s gonna get Stephen A. talking about this blog post and all the twittersphere abuzz. PBJ is weak. I don’t care how you prepare it, it dries my mouth out and never inspires me. I’ve never had a PB&J that was memorable.

Panino C Tier. I hate arugula and I’ve seen it on far too many of these sandwiches. I will say the Jack in the Box made these for a while in my youth, then brought them back a few years ago. Deli Trio Panino from Jack in the Crack is dank.

Pulled Pork. C Tier. Another pick I might get hate for. If I go to one more barbeque and have to eat another bland ass, dry pulled pork sandwich with Walmart BBQ sauce I’m gonna to lose it. That being said, throw a pickle on there and it’s pretty good.

Rueben. A Tier. This is the sandwich you order when you don’t know what to get, but you’re not so braindead that you order a club. Unreal combination. Who ever invented this sandwich deserves a nobel prize. Corned beef or pastrami, either is delicious.

Chicken Shwarma. C Tier. It just doesn’t work. I want it to be a Doner Kebab or a Gyro. But it just isn’t. Still fun occasionally, like a fat girl.

Smorrebrod. F Tier. I had to eat this every morning for breakfast in Denmark. If you’re national food (at least that you’re most famous for) is thick ass, denser than lead, brown bread topped with liver paste and cucumbers then you need to reevaluate your entire culture. (And yes, I did just put this in here to whine).

Torta. C Tier. Why the fuck wouldn’t you order a burrito? See also: tostada.

Vegemite. F Tier. If you’ve tasted vegemite this bears no explanation.

I spend a lot of time at the gym studying the other people working out. It’s hard not to when you’re trying not to think about your burning lungs or your exhausted muscles. You also start to take a bit of ownership of your gym the longer you maintain the discipline to show up regularly, which leads you to note who else does the same. I’ve gone to a fair amount of gyms in my life, from Planet Fitness-style discount gyms, bro-tank college rec centers, YMCAs/sports clubs and even fancy health clubs. Currently, I’m working in down-home Emmett and I go to the Raw Iron Gym, or RIG. This gym resides in an old early 1900s theater, sort of renovated to be a gym. I say “sort of” because this place is not fancy and its renovations seem to be all substance and no form. It gets the job done, though. It has one working shower (3 non-working) and a sauna that is occasionally turned on. The locker room has a few working lockers and a nasty floor that I think they clean once in a while. The equipment, when it isn’t broken, provides resistance to your various muscles, and force your muscles to expend energy. This is about all I can say for the facilities. The staff is made up mainly by one woman, who is pretty nice. She washes my towel for me. She does intimidate me a bit, though, when she is present. She seems like the type of lady who would just cancel my membership if I said the wrong thing.

One positive I can say about the RIG is the people are fairly preferable co-members of a gym. The demographics consist of some old dudes, one super jacked cross-fit couple, a couple high school sports guys, a trio of Latina ladies who always have a personal trainer and a few “Emmett fellas.” The Emmett fellas don’t bring much for class, but they seem like good guys who probably work some local blue collar job. I like this amalgamation of people. It certainly beats most people my age, who primarily consist of douche bros who lift more than me and hot girls wearing revealing clothing. Let me just say, I do not condone spandex in the gym. I don’t care if you think you look “cute,” you actually look sexy as hell. And there’s a lot of mirrors in the gym. Which means when I scan around in between sets, I’m going to struggle to not take a peak at you doing those idiotic barbell pelvic thrusts. Why do yoga pants girls always do the weirdest lifts? They probably learned that shit on some instagram ad. And don’t come at me for perving. I’m just a curious human being. I do not want to ogle anybody, it’s just in my nature.

Today I witnessed the first full-blown douche at my gym. I’ve seen fit guys, I’ve seen cutoffs. I’ve seen strutting and dick swinging. But this dude literally would have licked his own abs if he could reach. I walk in, scan my card, grab my towel and start heading to the locker room. I look to see who is using equipment, so I can plan my workout around what’s available. I see a guy at the dumbbells, very close to the mirror, shirtless. This dude had his tarp fully popped off, hanging from his waistband. This means he initially entered the room with a shirt and then found it appropriate and necessary to remove said shirt. I’m not going to lie, this dude was yolked. I think he was doing shoulders, but I couldn’t really piece together his workout because I saw him doing curls later in the session (big surprise). He had a backwards BSU hat on, which puzzled me more. You’re accessorizing, but not wearing a shirt. When I returned from adorning my workout garb, the guy was still in the exact same spot, doing some very unorthodox reverse fly shoulder raises with like 15 lbs. He continued to do strange lifts, with large breaks in between, in front of the mirror, for about 30 minutes. The experience was capped when I went to use the fly machine (chest day) and I witnessed him pull out his phone and video himself in the mirror. I know it was a video because the flash was on and it stayed lit for a good 10 seconds. At this point, I wore a scowl and prayed that everybody in the gym was thinking the same thing I was.

So this inspired me to write my own gym etiquette rules. I’m sure you can find 100 articles about gym etiquette, but I will attempt to cover new ground with these tips and bring my own personal philosophy to the equation.

1. Wear a shirt.

This one is obvious. You have to wear a fucking shirt. You might have ringworm for all I know. The gym is already disgusting without your direct back-sweat contact. Everybody is sweating, so don’t give me any temperature related justification. You’re supposed to be hot and sweaty. The only reason anybody pops off their tarp is to admire themselves, which is not fucking cool. Its never been cool and never will be cool. Even if you’re a pro body-builder and your livelihood comes from people admiring you, its not ok. I would feel the same if a Victoria’s Secret model waltzed into the grocery store wearing lingerie. Keep that shit in your cum-stained bathroom.

2. No old guy exhibitionism.

Open letter to all old guys: have some respect for my eyes. I have tried to psychoanalyze these old dudes that make no effort to cover themselves. I ran into these dudes ad nauseum at my health club in Spokane. My theory is they feel entitled in the health club they pay hefty membership fees for, coupled with a belief that they have earned the right to do whatever they want by surviving on the earth for 60+ years. The creepy thing is, it’s not that they just walk around naked when it suits them. I’ve seen multiple instances of these guys taking intentional steps to stay uncovered for as long as possible, just before the point of arousing (no pun intended) suspicion. One move I’ve seen: putting your t-shirt on first. I’ve witnessed a man walk naked to his locker, towel over his shoulder (already a misdemeanor in my book), open his locker, grab his fucking t-shirt, put it on, and then fiddle around for his other shit in his locker looking like Winnie the Pooh. Bro, your dick is still out. Why don’t you start with the tighty whities and then work your way to the upper body. It might not be a sexual thing for these guys. But it seems that way from an outside perspective.

3. Workout 90% of the time

We all have to use the equipment. There’s nothing worse than getting all motivated to go to the gym and show up to a full parking lot. I wish I was the only one in the gym so I didn’t have to wait or compromise my plan. If you go to the gym for social interaction, fuck off to a bar. On another note: nobody likes cardio, but everybody should be doing cardio. Even the swole-patrol should be doing cardio, its good for gains. But many people don’t like running. I’ve got a solution to both these problems: stop resting so much. Jesus I’ve seen guys spend 1.5 hours in the gym and do like 5 sets. Why not rest less, lift more reps with less weight (oh my god your street cred) and get some supplementary cardio in the process? It’s called HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training), also known as stations, and it’s the best way to exercise the most in the least amount of time. If you get tired, then it’s working. Stop hogging the bench press to look at your fucking phone. Stop sitting on machines like they’re a La-Z-Boy. The only reason you can’t get a completely exhausting workout in 45 minutes is because you’re resting too much.

4. Stop trying to invent lifts

This one is a big annoyance I see at my current gym, mainly employed by 55 year old guys wearing jeans while they work out. These dudes will get on the lat pull down machine, grab the bar with a close grip, and tuck it under their neck like a little kid trying to look over a fence. Then they will pull the bar down with the entirety of their body (I guess working their abs?) and let out strange guttural noises. This is not an acceptable exercise and yes, there are acceptable and unacceptable exercises. Every muscle on your body has at least 3 tried and true exercises than can work it. You do not need to get on the butterfly machine, put the weight as high as it goes, and do 2-inch mini-reps. You do not need to grab a cable and pull it like you’re starting a lawn mower. Isolate your fucking target muscles. If you don’t know anything about working out, just look around you and copy what normal people do. Or google it. I guarantee google will not recommend you get on the leg press machine backwards.

5. Don’t hit on anybody

Don’t do it. She knows that you using the adjacent machine to her for an hour straight is not a coincidence. The gym is just not the place.

6. Don’t talk to me in the sauna

I’m a big sauna guy. Saunas are great for you and you feel awesome after a nice sweat detox. Fuck all your diet cleanses, just sweat it out. But when I’m in the sauna, you better not even fucking look at me. I’m meditating. I don’t want to know you exist. I want to experience my personal mini nirvana, not talk to you about how you just started MMA. A few more sauna rules: don’t be naked and don’t be clothed. I don’t care what they do in Germany, wear a towel. And if you’re doing a “warm up” in the sauna with your fucking shoes on, go get your ass on the treadmill.

These are the rules I follow. I wish others would do the same, but I must live and let live.

Today I did yard work for about 6 hours. I learned about the irrigation system in my yard at my new house, pretty engaging stuff. Cleared out about 1/4 acre of dead foliage. Fixed a few sprinklers, transplanted some bearded ibis plants. I like those ibis plants; I like plants that don’t flower. Flowers are basically plant dicks and I don’t like to see anything I’m taking care of have its dick all out in the open. Talk to you, red rocket. Is there anything more off-putting than a dog’s boner? Like I know its natural and I have a dick so I understand. But it gives me some sexual assault vibes. My future brother-in-law’s brother has a German Shephard that has a some sexual attraction to me and it sucks, tbh. I pet him real good the first time I met him and now he thinks I’m into him and I’m really not anymore. I feel like a girl at a club who let a guy dance on me one time and now he won’t leave me alone.

Taylor is balls-deep doing wedding stuff today. She is making an incredibly detailed presentation to distribute to our guests. I think she might be wasting her time a little. If this thing gets read by 20% of people I think that would be a good conversion rate.

Topic today: moral relativism and the idea of eradicating mosquitoes. I see it brought up online a lot: genetically alter a virus that is very communicable and makes mosquitoes infertile. Sign me up. The argument against this is of course un-intended consequences. What will this do to the eco-system? What will happen to the things that eat mosquitoes?

So I mentioned moral relativism. My definition of this is: morality is not totally objective, it’s kind of on a sliding scale depending on the circumstances surrounding the subject. Example: somebody steals bread to feed their starving family, it’s not morally wrong. This seems reasonable in theory, but situations in my opinion or usually too complex to let other people judge things on a case-by-case basis. What if the bread stealer refuses to work? What if they spent the bread money on hookers and blow? What if they were brought up in a culture where stealing bread was the norm and therefore don’t budget bread money because they weren’t ever taught to? You can continue justify just about anything with a determinist outlook on humans. If you think everybody is a product of their environment, nobody need be held responsible for anything. Even if you just think this type of circumstantial evidence is only a part of the equation and should be simply considered; what’s the line? It’s very hard to draw often times. And I see people every day justify obviously bad things for progressively less logical reasons.

Example from today’s news: Canadians are burning down churches because of this residential school scandal. So summarizing what I know about it: Canada for a long time (until the late 90’s/early 00’s) had these native residential schools where native kids would live and it was controlled/ran by the Catholic church. These were nationally funded. These schools had a bunch of bodies buried under them and apparently they were doing some sketchy stuff, hence the bodies. Pretty fucked up. In 2008 the Canadian Government owned up to this stuff and passed some law or something addressing the issue. The Catholic church apparently didn’t apologize well enough, so now people are burning down churches. I’m pretty sure these are native churches ran by natives, so you basically have white people running into the rez and burning their stuff as vigilante justice.

So a lot of people are justifying this. It’s very simple for people taking this stance. Churches=Catholics=bad. If you oppose burning, you side with the church, which means you’re evil. This is the same issue as the BLM riots. If you oppose Black Lives Matters actions, you oppose them, you’re racist. I don’t know how mature these people are that make these arguments. They could be 14 for all I know. But the response from governments and the media make me think that they take this line of thinking as relevant and main-stream. They don’t necessarily side with it (they do sometimes) but they acknowledge it and as the kids say nowadays “Normalize it.”

For me it’s equally simple: you can’t burn down churches. It’s arson, it’s a felony, it’s a good law. I agree with breaking unjust laws, but don’t tell me arson is unjust. Your justification is irrelevant. And I don’t understand what the benefit is to justifying these acts with all this “context.” The only opposing argument I can think of is that understanding the motivations for acts like this allow our collective consciousness to shift towards the thinking of the perpetrators. Which may be good if you agree with the perpetrators, but it sets a pretty fucked up precedent. So now, if you do bad things in the name of something, people need to “understand” why you did the bad thing and come around to your way of thinking. So basically all these people are saying by justifying this stuff is: Fuck Ghandi.

So since everything is relative and there’s no actual true definition of morality in this universe, maybe I can define an extreme on the morality scale that everyone can agree to. This could set a baseline of sorts for our collective moral compass. My example is this: parasites are evil. Like actual parasites, not somebody acting like a parasite. We don’t want to be pushing the line of what constitutes a parasite now, that’s more moral relativism. So parasites live off other organisms. They have evolved to do one thing, suck the life out of something else. Maybe they suck its blood, maybe they lay eggs in it and the eggs hatch and eat the organism, maybe they do that zombie shit where they take something’s brain over. Either way, the parasite only exists to reproduce. They kill, steal and make more of themselves to do more killing and stealing. This is definitely bad, right? Like that’s pure evil. And you could make the argument that mosquitoes don’t have morality. And you could even argue that humans shouldn’t assign morality to natural phenomenon. But I say fuck that. If you stand for nothing, you fall for anything. Mosquitoes kill over a million people per year. I say we eradicate all parasites, for the good of our earth. I’d argue that you love the Earth more if you want to kill parasites, so that other organisms don’t have to die just for something evil to live. Like if a polar bear eats a seal, I can live with that. But if a tapeworm kills a coyote just so it can reproduce more tapeworms, that’s unjustifiable. So stop whining about unintended consequences. The unintended consequences of eradicating mosquitoes would be that the world is more awesome. Respecting “nature” is bullshit (nature meaning if something is natural then it’s good). If silence is violence, than not fixing fixable issues that arise in nature is just as bad as releasing plagues of mosquitoes into villages for fun.