I spend a lot of time at the gym studying the other people working out. It’s hard not to when you’re trying not to think about your burning lungs or your exhausted muscles. You also start to take a bit of ownership of your gym the longer you maintain the discipline to show up regularly, which leads you to note who else does the same. I’ve gone to a fair amount of gyms in my life, from Planet Fitness-style discount gyms, bro-tank college rec centers, YMCAs/sports clubs and even fancy health clubs. Currently, I’m working in down-home Emmett and I go to the Raw Iron Gym, or RIG. This gym resides in an old early 1900s theater, sort of renovated to be a gym. I say “sort of” because this place is not fancy and its renovations seem to be all substance and no form. It gets the job done, though. It has one working shower (3 non-working) and a sauna that is occasionally turned on. The locker room has a few working lockers and a nasty floor that I think they clean once in a while. The equipment, when it isn’t broken, provides resistance to your various muscles, and force your muscles to expend energy. This is about all I can say for the facilities. The staff is made up mainly by one woman, who is pretty nice. She washes my towel for me. She does intimidate me a bit, though, when she is present. She seems like the type of lady who would just cancel my membership if I said the wrong thing.
One positive I can say about the RIG is the people are fairly preferable co-members of a gym. The demographics consist of some old dudes, one super jacked cross-fit couple, a couple high school sports guys, a trio of Latina ladies who always have a personal trainer and a few “Emmett fellas.” The Emmett fellas don’t bring much for class, but they seem like good guys who probably work some local blue collar job. I like this amalgamation of people. It certainly beats most people my age, who primarily consist of douche bros who lift more than me and hot girls wearing revealing clothing. Let me just say, I do not condone spandex in the gym. I don’t care if you think you look “cute,” you actually look sexy as hell. And there’s a lot of mirrors in the gym. Which means when I scan around in between sets, I’m going to struggle to not take a peak at you doing those idiotic barbell pelvic thrusts. Why do yoga pants girls always do the weirdest lifts? They probably learned that shit on some instagram ad. And don’t come at me for perving. I’m just a curious human being. I do not want to ogle anybody, it’s just in my nature.
Today I witnessed the first full-blown douche at my gym. I’ve seen fit guys, I’ve seen cutoffs. I’ve seen strutting and dick swinging. But this dude literally would have licked his own abs if he could reach. I walk in, scan my card, grab my towel and start heading to the locker room. I look to see who is using equipment, so I can plan my workout around what’s available. I see a guy at the dumbbells, very close to the mirror, shirtless. This dude had his tarp fully popped off, hanging from his waistband. This means he initially entered the room with a shirt and then found it appropriate and necessary to remove said shirt. I’m not going to lie, this dude was yolked. I think he was doing shoulders, but I couldn’t really piece together his workout because I saw him doing curls later in the session (big surprise). He had a backwards BSU hat on, which puzzled me more. You’re accessorizing, but not wearing a shirt. When I returned from adorning my workout garb, the guy was still in the exact same spot, doing some very unorthodox reverse fly shoulder raises with like 15 lbs. He continued to do strange lifts, with large breaks in between, in front of the mirror, for about 30 minutes. The experience was capped when I went to use the fly machine (chest day) and I witnessed him pull out his phone and video himself in the mirror. I know it was a video because the flash was on and it stayed lit for a good 10 seconds. At this point, I wore a scowl and prayed that everybody in the gym was thinking the same thing I was.
So this inspired me to write my own gym etiquette rules. I’m sure you can find 100 articles about gym etiquette, but I will attempt to cover new ground with these tips and bring my own personal philosophy to the equation.
- Wear a shirt.
This one is obvious. You have to wear a fucking shirt. You might have ringworm for all I know. The gym is already disgusting without your direct back-sweat contact. Everybody is sweating, so don’t give me any temperature related justification. You’re supposed to be hot and sweaty. The only reason anybody pops off their tarp is to admire themselves, which is not fucking cool. Its never been cool and never will be cool. Even if you’re a pro body-builder and your livelihood comes from people admiring you, its not ok. I would feel the same if a Victoria’s Secret model waltzed into the grocery store wearing lingerie. Keep that shit in your cum-stained bathroom.
2. No old guy exhibitionism.
Open letter to all old guys: have some respect for my eyes. I have tried to psychoanalyze these old dudes that make no effort to cover themselves. I ran into these dudes ad nauseum at my health club in Spokane. My theory is they feel entitled in the health club they pay hefty membership fees for, coupled with a belief that they have earned the right to do whatever they want by surviving on the earth for 60+ years. The creepy thing is, it’s not that they just walk around naked when it suits them. I’ve seen multiple instances of these guys taking intentional steps to stay uncovered for as long as possible, just before the point of arousing (no pun intended) suspicion. One move I’ve seen: putting your t-shirt on first. I’ve witnessed a man walk naked to his locker, towel over his shoulder (already a misdemeanor in my book), open his locker, grab his fucking t-shirt, put it on, and then fiddle around for his other shit in his locker looking like Winnie the Pooh. Bro, your dick is still out. Why don’t you start with the tighty whities and then work your way to the upper body. It might not be a sexual thing for these guys. But it seems that way from an outside perspective.
3. Workout 90% of the time
We all have to use the equipment. There’s nothing worse than getting all motivated to go to the gym and show up to a full parking lot. I wish I was the only one in the gym so I didn’t have to wait or compromise my plan. If you go to the gym for social interaction, fuck off to a bar. On another note: nobody likes cardio, but everybody should be doing cardio. Even the swole-patrol should be doing cardio, its good for gains. But many people don’t like running. I’ve got a solution to both these problems: stop resting so much. Jesus I’ve seen guys spend 1.5 hours in the gym and do like 5 sets. Why not rest less, lift more reps with less weight (oh my god your street cred) and get some supplementary cardio in the process? It’s called HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training), also known as stations, and it’s the best way to exercise the most in the least amount of time. If you get tired, then it’s working. Stop hogging the bench press to look at your fucking phone. Stop sitting on machines like they’re a La-Z-Boy. The only reason you can’t get a completely exhausting workout in 45 minutes is because you’re resting too much.
4. Stop trying to invent lifts
This one is a big annoyance I see at my current gym, mainly employed by 55 year old guys wearing jeans while they work out. These dudes will get on the lat pull down machine, grab the bar with a close grip, and tuck it under their neck like a little kid trying to look over a fence. Then they will pull the bar down with the entirety of their body (I guess working their abs?) and let out strange guttural noises. This is not an acceptable exercise and yes, there are acceptable and unacceptable exercises. Every muscle on your body has at least 3 tried and true exercises than can work it. You do not need to get on the butterfly machine, put the weight as high as it goes, and do 2-inch mini-reps. You do not need to grab a cable and pull it like you’re starting a lawn mower. Isolate your fucking target muscles. If you don’t know anything about working out, just look around you and copy what normal people do. Or google it. I guarantee google will not recommend you get on the leg press machine backwards.
5. Don’t hit on anybody
Don’t do it. She knows that you using the adjacent machine to her for an hour straight is not a coincidence. The gym is just not the place.
6. Don’t talk to me in the sauna
I’m a big sauna guy. Saunas are great for you and you feel awesome after a nice sweat detox. Fuck all your diet cleanses, just sweat it out. But when I’m in the sauna, you better not even fucking look at me. I’m meditating. I don’t want to know you exist. I want to experience my personal mini nirvana, not talk to you about how you just started MMA. A few more sauna rules: don’t be naked and don’t be clothed. I don’t care what they do in Germany, wear a towel. And if you’re doing a “warm up” in the sauna with your fucking shoes on, go get your ass on the treadmill.
These are the rules I follow. I wish others would do the same, but I must live and let live.