Talking in the theater is a huge faux pa for some, especially western Europeans. I have learned this reading opinions online, as well as witnessing the unspoken rules of public manners when I studied there. Now, I understand the public transit talking moratorium. I think it might be a little too harsh, but I’ve seen what happens on a New York City subway when you have no such decorum. Listening to 8 city kids dance and scream like nobody is around them is beyond annoying. People on public transit would all prefer to be alone, so I think it’s appropriate to treat them as such.
But theaters, or the cinema as some may call it, have antiquated rules for manners, in my opinion. I do realize my opinion is polarizing because I’ve seen how my movie-watching technique is warmly accepted by some and staunchly opposed by others. I am a movie talker and I have no intention to restrain myself. When I’m home, I paused the movie semi-frequently to talk about the movie and I encourage others to do the same. I find the discussion about the movie is as engaging and enjoyable as the movie itself. Debate and commentary can make a bad movie a good experience and also improve the perception or analysis for others, provided what’s pointed out is actually insightful. I think watching a film is like enjoying a professionally prepared meal with an expert wine pairing. I might taste notes in the wine otherwise ignored, if not pointed out by others. I might disagree with an ingredient decision and have a fun debate with others at the table. Comparisons might be made that alter my perspective of the dish. I think art should be critiqued, because it’s fun.
But some see movies as an escape from reality, not a piece of art to be analyzed. They watch a film like one rides a roller coaster. They want to feel what the characters feel and be engrossed in the story, separated from self-awareness. They don’t want to exist for 2 hours. They may be open to discussion once they come back from their dream-like experience, but never want their immersion to be interrupted.
I can’t do that and frankly, I don’t really want to. I want to be polite, but I also know what I like. My issue with theaters comes down to the our modern movie ecosystem. Going to the theater has somewhat died since Covid. Most films are now released for streaming and some are released for streaming alongside theaters. Even movies that are theatrical releases can be found easily online through pirating. So why is the expectation that everybody’s privacy should be top priority when patrons are paying money to travel to a public place to watch a film?
I understand when cinemas showed moving picture shows in 1920 that people didn’t have movie experiences at home. And in this situation, many patrons might want to experience the movie in socially manufactured solitude. So it was polite to shut up and not alert others of your presence. But that’s not the case anymore. You can take an edible, buy a nice sound bar and a big cheap smart TV, and have a solitary movie experience at home with no interruptions quite easily. Yet people still get in their cars, drive to a theater full of 100 people and shush them quiet.
I wish those of that mindset could have experienced what I consider the peak of the cinematic experience: Paranormal Activity. While these movies weren’t Oscar-winners by any stretch, they were fun and very popular in the early 2010s. And when they were in theaters, the seats were packed with people ready to talk and scream. People were yelling at the characters, people were laughing at other audience members, popcorn was being thrown. And it was incredible to enjoy a film as a part of an audience, not as a single person trying to mentally partition themself off from the rest of the world.
Hello again friends. I’m happy to bring you another Fantasy Football recap for the 9th season of the League of Pure Imagination. As commissioner, I could not ask for a better group of league members who always pay their dues, never try to fuck with the rules and never blow up my phone with some stupid group chat. I also would like to personally thank each and every one of you for your continued commitment to the core values of this league: Competition, Resentfulness, Simplicity, and Racial Sensitivity.
This season crowns a new champion, Jeff. Through years of lackluster performance, Jeff continued with his process, never faltering. Through God and the 12-step program, he was able to put forth a performance greater than he was previously capable. Please take the time to congratulate Jeff personally, seeing as this might be greatest thing he ever accomplishes in his pathetic life.
The playoffs this year contained teams with an array of stories, each more curious and inspiring than the last. In the driver’s seat was Brock and his consistently dominant team Bower Rangers at 11-3. Jeff’s team Godwin’s Plan was seeded #2, its name representing the per-ordained playoff run it was about to make. The rest of the playoffs filled out with Evan, Trystan, Hax and Charlie. These teams went 10-2 in aggregate over the last 3 weeks of the regular season, which illustrates how important weeks 12-14 are in fantasy football. The two losses came from Charlie’s DK’s Jungle Parkway, who squeaked in with the 6th seed at 7-7. The regular season champ was Trystan’s team King Stanley, whose staggering 1756.04 points scored was mired by its modest 8-6 record.
The first round began with the six consolation bound bottom-feeders and the two bye-worthy teams watching with anticipation as seeds 3 through 6 fought for their fantasy lives. Charlie, losing 4 of out his last 5 regular season match ups, limped into the arena to face off against Evan, who was on a 4 game winning streak. Although Charlie fought valiantly with 118 points, it was no match for Davante Adam’s 41.3 point performance combined with another solid Jalen Hurts game. Evan moved on to the semis.
On the other side of the bracket, Haxby’s Tyreeky Blinders, whose accession nobody foresaw when it owned a 2-5 record, faced off against Trystan’s dangerous squad. On the wings of the Goffense and his 44.06 point performance, Haxby slew the Goliath, leaving Trystan to curse Jaylen Waddle and his goose egg in the 3rd place match up.
The semi-final match ups were set for NFL week 16. Jeff and his holy squad faced Evan, who was as confident as ever. But Evan played the wrong defense, experienced an injury to his reliable RB David Montgomery, got Jalen Hurts’ worst performance of the year, and was not able to muster a 100+ point week. Jeff recorded a sound victory on the back of Chuba Hubbard’s best performance of the year and overcame a 1 point performance from his flex.
Meanwhile, Haxby’s team-of-destiny faced Brock. The bye week decimated Brock’s RB room, with Alvin Kamara and Issac Guerrendo going down, as well as J.K. Dobbin’s injury timeline being extended beyond what was previously thought. Brock scrambled on the waiver wire for replacement options, but his start-sit decisions had been complicated . By starting Cooper Kupp over Tank Dell and benching his newly acquired Ameer Abdullah, Brock decided to live or die by “starting his studs,” and he died. Haxby was somehow onto the championship thanks to more production from Goff, James Cook and Jason Sanders.
Jeff vs. Haxby was the closest point margin championship in league history, with Jeff edging Hax by only 2.8 points. Jeff had 2 positions put up goose-eggs, Brandon Aubrey and Hunter Henry. Yet somehow, neither of these were the worst start-sit decision of the match up. That title belongs to the Indianapolis Colts defense, whom delivered Haxby -4 points against the New York Giants. The New York Giants, whom had allowed the 3rd most fantasy defense points in the league, who had nothing to play for, who were starting their backup, who sucked fucking ass all year, put up 45 points on the Colts. Haxby’s miracle run was ended by Drew Lock. Jeff was able to lean on the 2024 fantasy points leader Lamar Jackson to take him to the promised land.
Meanwhile, Brock rebounded against Evan in the 3rd place match up. It helped that Jalen Hurts got a concussion and Evan decided to start Mason Rudolph.
There is one more narrative that i must share, because it might be the most interesting match up result I have ever seen in fantasy football. It’s Monday, Sept. 30th, week 4. Hax is playing Kopke. The Seahawks are hosting the Detroit Lions on MNF. John Kopke has no players remaining. Haxby has one, Geno Smith. Haxby started the game behind by about 20 points. As the game progresses and nears the end of the 4th quarter, Geno Smith is battling to get the Seahawks back into the game. He goes on a drive starting on the Seattle 30 yard line all the way to the Lion’s 3 yard line. During this drive, Geno Smith scores enough fantasy points to put Haxby up by half of a point. 1st and Goal on the 3, and four straight pass plays go incomplete. The Seahawks turn the ball over on downs. A few plays later, with 2 minutes left in the game, the Lions get sacked in the end zone for a safety. The Seahawks get the ball back, but this isn’t good for Haxby. An interception would give him a loss, unless geno can eclipse a 2 point lead prior to throwing a game-ending INT. Geno works his way down to the Lions 35, getting Haxby’s lead to 1.4 points. The next play, Geno throws a deep to JSN in the endzone. He is intercepted, the game ends, and Haxby loses by 0.6 points. I know this because I was texting Kopke and Hax during the game. Tough break for Hax as he goes to bed with the bitter taste of defeat.
But alas, Haxby wakes up to his ESPN Fantasy App telling him that HE WON BY 0.6. How is this possible? He didn’t know then, but I do now. During the Saints vs. Falcons game on Sunday the 29th, the Falcons scored 2 defensive touchdowns in a 26-24 victory. Or at least that’s the way it was scored in the ESPN fantasy app. As some of you may know, defensive touchdowns do not count towards the “Points scored Against” of the opposing defense. Kopke started the Saint’s defense, which was attributed with 12 points against (4 field goals). However, one of the Falcon’s defensive touchdowns was actually a muffed punt recovered in the end zone. This TD was incorrectly attributed as a defensive touchdown initially, but it was actually a special teams touchdown. Special teams touchdowns DO count against an opposing defense, so the points against the Saints was corrected to 18 points, which removed 1 point from Kopke’s score, which handed Jakob Haxby the victory.
Now for the butterfly effect shit. If Haxby had lost that week 4 match up, he would have still made the playoffs at 7-7, but he would have been the 6th seed. His match up would have been against Evan, who would have beaten him in the first round. Charlie, on the other hand, would have been the 5th seed, where he would have beaten Trystan. Charlie’s team would have also beaten Brock in week 16. Finally, Charlie’s 144 point performance in week 17 would have crushed Jeff in the championship. This single stat correction has theoretically stolen the 2024 league title from Charlie and handed it to Jeff. Sorry Charlie.
Let’s take a look at some nice stat tables before we get into team breakdowns.
Team Breakdowns:
Jeff Slonaker – Godwin’s Plan
Although not the most dominant statistically, nobody can say Jeff didn’t earn his chip this year. His team started 6-1, employing excellent early seasons from Joe Mixon, the Tampa Bay Bucs entire team (Jeff had Baker, Godwin and Evans) and Jayden Reed. Then in week 8, Evans and Godwin went down in the same game. But in the second half of the season, Jeff had another secret weapon, his first round pick Puka Nacua, who had missed weeks 2-7. Jeff had six weeks over 130 points, no bust weeks under 70, and had the league’s lowest points against per game. God was on Jeff’s side this season.
Team MVP: Lamar Jackson
Best Value Pick: Chuba Hubbard
Best Acquisition: Tucker Kraft
Jakob Haxby – Tyreeky Blinders
Hax had one of the most improbable and puzzling seasons in league history. After week 8, Haxbo was 3-5 and the combined margin of victory in his 3 wins was 3.98 points. Weeks 9-14 was where Haxby’s magic started. Over that span he went 5-1, and ditched Kirk Cousins for Jared Goff. The stats of Tyreeky Blinders are weird; Hax never eclipsed 130 points in a week and had the 2nd lowest points scored. Right place, Right time.
Team MVP: James Cook
Best Value Pick: Jordan Addison
Best Acquisition: Jared Goff
Brock Rule – Bower Rangers
Poor Brock can’t win the big one. Bower Rangers started the season 6-0 and finished with a league-best 11-3 record. Brock’s 119.7 points per game was 7th best all time in our league. The QB3 in Josh Allen, the WR2 in Justin Jefferson, the TE1 in Brock Bowers, and a very deep running back room. He also received the #1 QB fantasy performance of all time during week 14 when Josh Allen scored 55.88 points. I won’t lie, I was scared of Brock’s dominance all season long. But just as Hax was in the right place, Brock was in the wrong place. After the litany of sudden injuries, the Bower Rangers week 16 starters, apart from Justin Jefferson, under performed in the biggest match up of Brock’s young life. This one hurts bad for Brock especially, because he has never won a playoff match up in his 6 seasons in the league. Has he shared in some success as assistant manager of Zach’s teams? Maybe. But watching your wife from the chair in the corner of the room just isn’t the same as being up in the stink. But Brock’s 3rd place finish should be respected; a placatory end to a season that had so much promise.
Team MVP: Josh Allen
Best Value Pick: Brock Bowers
Best Acquisition: Isaac Guerrendo
Evan Buchert – White guys finish last
Evan had a tumultuous season that I’m sure he blames on Christian McCaffrey. This is the second time that Evan has drafted McCaffrey 1st overall and been cursed with an injury-plagued season (2021). Middling at .500 for the first 10 weeks of the season, Evan finally started to get some production from his 2nd round pick Davante Adams in the back half, thanks to a trade to the Jets. This was especially true in week 15, where Davante’s 40 bomb overwhelmed Charlie in the first round of the playoffs. Interesting fact, this matchup was actually the first time all season Evan scored more than 130. He went out with a whimper in the 3rd place match up, exposing his lack up of roster depth. But the season must be seen as a success, based on the circumstances. Maybe trade that #1 pick next time?
Team MVP: Jalen Hurts
Best Value Pick: David Montgomery
Best Acquisition: Trey Sermon? idk
Trystan Chambers – King Stanley
While Brock dominated in the win/loss column, Trystan dominated in the points. Trystan’s King Stanley is the highest scoring team in league history, at 125.4 points per game. This regular season champion went 8-6…. huh? Trystan was the only manager who rostered two top finishers by position, Chris Bowell and Ja’Marr Chase. Speaking of Ja’Marr, what a season. three 20-pieces, a 30-bomb, a 40-burger, and a 55.9 point performance. Dude hit the fantasy cycle. Trystan led the league with 7 boom weeks over 130 points and had no bust weeks. But amid all the points, he had a 6 week losing streak from weeks 4-9. He only failed to eclipse 100 points a single time in that stretch, a 98.72 week, so it’s not like he didn’t continue to score. But because of his poor mid season defense, his mediocre record pitted him against Haxby and Jared Goff’s 44 points in week 15. After being knocked out, Trystan finished the season very strongly in his meaningless match ups, twisting the knife even further on what could have been. But financially Trystan is sound and his scoring record is enshrined, so it could be a lot worse.
Team MVP: Ja’Marr Chase
Best Value Pick: Joe Burrow
Best Acquisition: Chris Boswell
Charlie Cornforth – DK’s Jungle Parkway
We’ve already lamented poor Charlie’s misfortune, so let’s set that aside and look at his team. DK’s Jungle Parkway was a solid unit, with the 4th best points per game and the 2nd most 20-piece performances. Charlie made some good moves on the wire, picking up Sam Darnold for a song and the Broncos Defense (top finisher). He drafted well, finishing with two WR1s (Lamb and McConkey) and two RB1s (Henry and Conner). He bounced back and forth all season, hovering around .500, and sneaked into the playoffs thanks to Murphy, Spence and myself all losing week 14. He performed admirably in the playoff match up with Evan, apart from Brock Purdy’s 3.98 point game. Charlie was one of two managers to score 140+ points and lose, which actually came in the meaningless week 17 match up with Trystan.
Team MVP: Derrick Henry
Best Value Pick: Ladd McConkey
Best Acquisition: Sam Darnold
Murphy Olmstead – Watch the Throne
Murphy was the other manager to score 140+ points and lose, but he actually scored 151.32 and lost, also to Trystan. That match up had over 300 points scored combined. There’s not much interesting to say about Murphy’s Watch the Throne team. He started 1-5, so everybody basically wrote him off. He finished strong thanks to an excellent back half of the fantasy season from Josh Jacobs, as well as Courtland Sutton. His push to the playoffs ended week 15 against Hax, when his Broncos heavy roster had their bye. Maybe plan that one out a little better next time, Murph.
Team MVP: Amon-Ra St. Brown
Best Value Pick: Courtland Sutton
Best Acquisition: Bo Nix
Jordan Schwers – Moore Brown Love
Not gonna lie, I was feeling pretty good after week 7 at 5-2. Among the vanquished foes in my 5-game winning streak were the titans Jeff, Brock and Trystan. I was so high. Every day I woke up refreshed, worked long hours without tire. And then I lost to Colten. I finished the season 1-5, my only victory a gift from Kopke. I knew in week 9 the wheels were falling off, so I desperately flipped Cade Otton’s recent success to Spence in exchange for the under-performing Marvin Harrison Jr, hoping he would have a rookie renaissance in the back half of the season. He didn’t, I continued to lose, and I could have drafted Joe Burrow instead of Jordan Love. Live a homer, die a homer.
Team MVP: George Kittle
Best Value Pick: Jordan Mason
Best Acquisition: Cade Otton
Andrew Spencer – Hawk Tua
Spence also had a disappointing regular season finish, losing his last 3 match ups after staying in the mix all season. In those fateful weeks, nobody in particular let him down. He just didn’t get a single 20-piece from any of his players in that entire span. But although Spence missed out on the playoffs, he showed his quality in the consolation bracket. His WR trio of Jameson Williams, Malik Nabers and Brian Thomas Jr. exploded all over the rejects of the league and convincingly won Spence his dues back.
Team MVP: Malik Nabers
Best Value Pick: Brian Thomas Jr.
Best Acquisition: Josh Downs
Puccacabra
What to say about Nic’s team? It wasn’t very good, considering he had Saquon, who delivered five 30+ point performances. Nic had a league high 10 goose eggs (0 points or worse player performance). He also had the highest points scored against in the league by a giant margin, the highest PA/G since Kopke in 2020. So maybe it’s not fair to shit on Nic, seeing as everybody apparently did all season.
Team MVP: Saquon Barkley
Best Value Pick: Jerry Jeudy
Best Acquisition: Terry McLaurin (trade)
Colten Bernauer – Kicked in the D
Colten’s team kinda stunk. And sadly, it has landed him with the all-time worst win percentage in the League of Pure Imagination, to go along with his league-worst 96 points per game all-time. Colten’s Kicked in the D team name was very apt, especially during week 12. Colten was facing who else, Haxby. Monday night, Ravens vs. Chargers. Colten is down by 0.2 points with Quentin “Stone Hands” Johnston in his flex. 99% chance to win. QJ gets 5 targets and records no catches for 0 yards and Colten loses. That is fucking funny, man.
Team MVP: Jonathan Taylor
Best Value Pick: Chase Brown
Best Acquisition: Quentin Johnston
John Kopke – Uncle Rico
Kopke’s team made Colten’s team look good. Uncle Rico had the 7th worst scoring season of all-time in the league, at 92.7 points per game. A lot of draft capital did not pan out for Kopke. CJ Stroud had a sophomore slump, QB18. Deebo fell off a cliff, WR44. Keenan Allen had a slow start, WR36. Stefon Diggs, season ending injury. Jake Ferguson, a standout last year, TE30. Kopke had a league-high 3 bust weeks under 70 points. Let’s move on to next season, Kopke.
As we prepare for the 2024/2025 NFL Playoffs, it’s important to remember all the women NFL fans out there, as well as the gay and the bi-curious NFL fans. These football fans might be tuning in for different reasons. They might be focusing less on the effectiveness of the Tush Push and more on the tush being pushed. This post is for those fans.
This data was aggregated from my wife, I am simply dictating the rankings. The QBs included were starters at the time the list was compiled or had been starters in 2024.
Joe Burrow
Apparently Joe’s boyish good looks were enough to overpower his frosted tips and land him as the most attractive QB in the league.
Brock Purdy
Brock is now an Ariat model and I must say, his Iowa charm really shines through as he stomps around in his shit-kickers.
Jalen Hurts
This man has been described as “Pretty” by many well known pundits, male and female alike.
Russell Wilson
The consensus corniness of Mr. Unlimited does not count against him to women, who admire his responsible nature.
Kirk Cousins
Kohl’s Cash, 6-pack abs, consummate professional. Every woman’s dream husband.
Bryce Young
Cute little fella
Tue Tagovailoa
Every woman loves damaged goods. Over half of Miami fantasizes about spoon-feeding Tua chicken noodle soup as he recovers from his 13th life-threatening concussion.
Jared Goff
Discount Ryan Gosling
Jordan Love
Mr. Silly Body has a goofy cuteness and his devil-may-care gunslinger QB play doesn’t hurt, either.
Aaron Rodgers
There are a lot of anti-vax white women in America.
Patrick Mahomes
Winning is attractive, as long as Kermit doesn’t start talking in bed.
Josh Allen
Average face, but have you seen this guy in shorts?
Matt Stafford
A mover on this list in the last few years, the California tan and blinding teeth have improved Matt’s appeal. The cuck allegations don’t help, though.
Will Levis
I don’t think my wife has seen the video, but a large member won’t make up for the amount of interceptions this guy throws.
Bo Nix
Bo has that clean cut, church-goer look.
Derek Carr
Derek might make it higher on the list for those ladies that went through an emo phase in middle school.
Baker Mayfield
Baker is not model material, but he clearly fucks.
Andy Dalton
It’s hard to look much better as a ginger than what Andy has been able to accomplish.
CJ Stroud
I think if CJ wasn’t a pro athlete, he’d be a fat guy.
Anthony Richardson
I think ARich looks a lot better with his helmet on. Butterface Jalen Hurts.
Caleb Williams
Gay dudes do have a certain allure to them. I don’t know if the lipstick helps or hurts his ranking.
Drake Maye
Drake is your average, tube-sock wearing white guy.
Spencer Rattler
The first major miss-fire from my wife. This guy looks like Patrick Mahomes as a white walker.
Jayden Daniels
This guy always looks oily. Does he wash those dreads?
Justin Fields
I guess looking like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle isn’t the deal-breaker I thought.
Justin Herbert
Drake Maye if he didn’t shower.
Joe Flacco
Another disagreement here. Early in his career, no semblance of proper grooming. Now that his prominent brow is under control, I think this ranking is too low. Man is tall, dark and handsome.
Deshaun Watson
It’s weird now that we know Deshaun is creepy butt pirate, you can kind of see it in his face. As soon as he got caught, his hairline started receding.
Dak Prescott
Now begins the lower-tier QBs. Dak also looks like a turtle, but without the impressive frame of Fields.
Trevor Lawrence
Don’t be fooled by his luscious mane. Apparently this guy looks like a foot.
Gardner Minshew
This is probably going to divide the sexes. The swag of Gardner just doesn’t hit the same for my wife. I guess she doesn’t see the appeal of a mustache ride in a Winnebago.
Kyler Murray
Women are genetically predisposed to find toddlers cute, which is probably helping Kyler a bit.
Geno Smith
Geno isn’t actually as ugly as you think. But he’s still pretty ugly. Great guy, though.
Daniel Jones
Lean into the beard, Danny. You need it.
Aiden O’Connell
Weird decision for a guy with an Irish last name to try as hard as possible to look Mexican.
Sam Darnold
Sam looks like he invited himself to a lot of parties in school, even though he was the starting QB.
Can anybody in the know explain to me why every Home Depot or Lowe’s has a completely unique layout? Who decides which aisles go where? You would think for a store that’s so vast that it would be more efficient for everybody involved to keep a consistent setup. I’m going to assume that they actually want you to get lost so you wander around and stay in the store for longer.
Sometimes I walk in and I forget which store I’m in. I start moving towards a section based on my internal map of the store, only to realize halfway there that I’m in a completely different store and I’m going the wrong way.
Wedding deejays who don’t play classic wedding songs are more in denial about their jobs than uber drivers who tell you that driving is only their “side gig.” Play shout, play Cupid shuffle, take requests, don’t play your shit. A good wedding DJ is like a good offensive tackle. We never hear your number called because you’re just doing your job. We should not know you exist on a personal level. You’re just a nameless, faceless continuation of every wedding reception we’ve ever been to.
If you’re serving somebody at a nice restaurant and are asked for a menu recommendation, heed this advice. If you recommend the most expensive thing on the menu, it better be really delicious. It also better be significantly more delicious than other, more affordable options. Because as soon as you recommend the filet or some expensive fish, I’m going to be suspicious. And if somebody else at my table orders something that makes me regret what I ordered, that’s a burnt bridge forever. You have destroyed all trust in the patron-waitstaff relationship. You have taken advantage of me for the last time. I now know you recommend that to everybody because you calculated 18% of your daily receipts assuming your patrons order the surf and turf equates to $50 more at the end of the night. And I know you did this calculation while you were supposed to be cleaning something.
