Ok I love tier lists. One of the few things Gen Z has got absolutely right. Ranking stuff is fun, tier lists are the best way to do it visually. The included sandwiches are ones I hand-picked, mainly from America. But there are some foreign options, but only ones I’ve actually had. Lets go.
Bahn Mi – C-Tier. Possibly the most overrated on the list. You read the ingredients and think its going to be amazing, kind of like a salmon sandwich. But the moisture content is never just right. Too many veggies, too many flavors.
BLT – B Tier. I’ll never turn down a BLT, but results may vary heavily since its so reliant on the bacon. Easy choice right in the middle. The Mendoza line of sandwiches.
Brat – A Tier. I love anything that is cooked in beer. Easy to prepare. The burps keep it from S tier.
Breakfast Sandwich – A. I wish I could eat one every morning. I’m just too lazy and cheap. I should start eating these at night….
Burrito – S Tier. Elite food. It’s so hard to fuck up. Endless variations. Mexico is the best neighbor to have.
Cheeseburger – B. Only thing that keeps the classic American cheeseburger from A tier is its wild inconsistency. I’ve had cheeseburgers that were a religious experience. I’ve also had cheeseburgers not fit for a dog.
Cheesesteak. A Tier. You’ve got to try to legit Philly recipe with cheeze whiz. Don’t come at me with your green pepper bullshit. Don’t try to church up the cheesesteak.
Club. C Tier. Taylor gonna hate me on this one. Clubs are for when your too hungover to decide what you want to order. They are the vanilla pudding of sandwiches. So many average clubs out there, so few good ones.
Cubano. Low B Tier. I do like the ingredients on this sandwich and I make them at home a lot because they’re easy. They’re solid but don’t kid yourself, it’s just ham and a pickle. I don’t get what all the fuss is about.
Doner Kebab. S Tier. Probably my #1 pick. If you’re ever in Germany, please get a doner kebab. They’re superior to all similar pita-esque sandwiches in every way. I don’t even know what’s in them, to be honest,. But every one I’ve had made me want to move to Europe.
Falafel. F Tier. If a Cubano is a fraud, Falafel is Enron. You bite this thinking its fried meat, but it’s chickpeas or some shit. I don’t really like hummus either. But it’s my tier list, and I put Falafel on here specifically to shit on it.
French Dip. A Tier. I’ve never had a bad French Dip, because I’ve never had bad Au Jus.
Grilled Cheese. B Tier. Obviously I’m assuming we’re working with tomato soup here. Comforting, homey, domestic. Like a mother womb. But this meal is like methadone. It’ll just get you by.
Gyro. B Tier. These can be awesome but if the pita has that dry flour stuff all over it, it saps your mouth of moisture. Really dependent on a good pita.
Hot Dog. C Tier. I only want a glizzy when I’m drunk and it’s served out of a cart. But at home, these are basically food stamp garbage.
Lobstah Roll. A Tier. Expensive as fuck but goddamn are these good. I had a 25$ lobster roll once and it was good enough that I didn’t regret it.
Meatball Sub. S Tier. Shitty ingredients, quality ingredients, it makes no difference to the meatball sub. You could serve me one of these from a elementary school cafeteria and I’d shovel it down my gullet.
Pasty. B Tier. Cornish in heritage, popular in certain regions of the US. I would put sausage rolls from the UK and Australia in this category. It’s like a high-quality hot pocket. Can be really nice but it’s still basically a hot pocket.
PBJ. F Tier. Here’s my controversial take. This is the pick that’s gonna get Stephen A. talking about this blog post and all the twittersphere abuzz. PBJ is weak. I don’t care how you prepare it, it dries my mouth out and never inspires me. I’ve never had a PB&J that was memorable.
Panino C Tier. I hate arugula and I’ve seen it on far too many of these sandwiches. I will say the Jack in the Box made these for a while in my youth, then brought them back a few years ago. Deli Trio Panino from Jack in the Crack is dank.
Pulled Pork. C Tier. Another pick I might get hate for. If I go to one more barbeque and have to eat another bland ass, dry pulled pork sandwich with Walmart BBQ sauce I’m gonna to lose it. That being said, throw a pickle on there and it’s pretty good.
Rueben. A Tier. This is the sandwich you order when you don’t know what to get, but you’re not so braindead that you order a club. Unreal combination. Who ever invented this sandwich deserves a nobel prize. Corned beef or pastrami, either is delicious.
Chicken Shwarma. C Tier. It just doesn’t work. I want it to be a Doner Kebab or a Gyro. But it just isn’t. Still fun occasionally, like a fat girl.
Smorrebrod. F Tier. I had to eat this every morning for breakfast in Denmark. If you’re national food (at least that you’re most famous for) is thick ass, denser than lead, brown bread topped with liver paste and cucumbers then you need to reevaluate your entire culture. (And yes, I did just put this in here to whine).
Torta. C Tier. Why the fuck wouldn’t you order a burrito? See also: tostada.
Vegemite. F Tier. If you’ve tasted vegemite this bears no explanation.
Somebody suck me