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This might be the most crunchy, granola-ass idea I’ve ever had, but I feel like it might have legs. The concept is: families in a neighborhood going door-to-door, much like trick or treating, in early September. But instead of passing out candy, each house passes out produce that they grew from their garden. This would promote getting to know your neighbors, as well as giving everybody a wide array of fresh fruits and vegetables to try. It would also give you a chance to show off your green thumb skills. Everybody who gardens semi-seriously always has way to much of one crop; share the wealth! Just don’t everybody go and grow only tomatoes.

The one thing I’m struggling with is a marketable, catchy name for this new phenomenon I’m trying to create. Something with “produce” or “harvest”? I don’t know. “Crop or Treating” is the best thing I’ve thought of so far. If you think of anything, comment below and I will remember you when I’m famous.

Spoilers up until episode 5 to come, but at this point, I’m like a month behind with this take.

Why the hell did they need to use different actresses on House of Dragons? Rhaenyra and Alicent, two of the most important main characters. Ten year time jump happens right at the beginning of episode 5 with very little explanation. If you are checking your phone for 30 seconds to start this episode and look up, you will be lost. Rhaenyra is played by a completely different actress and she’s having a child. It took me 10 minutes to realize that this new face was Rhaenyra. The strange part is that most of the main characters were not replaced. Why did they do this? It’s so confusing.

People’s main take in response: “There’s a time jump! They had to!”

No, they certainly did not. The budget for this show is $20 million an episode and Milly Alcock is 22 years old. Rhaenyra is 17 before the time jump, and 27 after the time jump. You’re telling me that they made Brad Pitt age fucking backwards in Benjamin Button but you can’t make a 22 year old look 27? The new actress doesn’t even look like Milly Alcock, who to be fair, has an incredibly weird and unique face. I swear the next episode they’re going to put Meryl Streep in a blond wig and not tell anybody and just expect us to all realize Rhaenyra is now 55.

Polarization has taken over our society in America. The “with us or against us” mentality has trickled down to every lifestyle choice imaginable. Personally, I think the most important way to stay grounded in this marketplace of ideas, where people are so desperate to turn you to their side, is to understand both arguments. There are pros and cons to both sides of every contested issue; if there wasn’t, it wouldn’t be contested. If somebody makes a case for one side with a high level of conviction, make sure they are doing so with self-awareness of their bias.

As an exercise to demonstrate my ability to philosophically shapeshift, let’s talk about a very highly contentious issue in modern society: cash. There are two obvious camps of people: those who think you should carry cash and those that deem it unnecessary. I will start with the former’s perspective.

Carrying cash is the easiest and most basic form of preparedness. Going out into society today without cash is like going camping without a tent. If you need something or anything, cash can get it for you. What if your car breaks down? What if you’re held at gunpoint? What if your house burns down? What if the banking system collapses because China hacks all the software and your credit is destroyed? That’s why you have the greenbacks baby. Isn’t it great when you’re out to dinner, somebody picks up the check, and you just hand them a crisp $20 bill and wipe your hands clean of the transactions? What if you want to buy drugs? What if you want to make a friendly wager? What if there is a street performer who is very talented? Cash is King, Cash Rules Everything Around Me C.R.E.A.M, the almighty dollar. How are you going to tip the bellhop at the hotel with your phone?

Ok, that argument has its points. I think we’ve all met somebody who thinks like this. They are typically older, conservative people who view the world as a dangerous, unpredictable place. They are the type that buys the insurance on their electronics. These are the people you should trust to book hotels, buy tickets, plan trips, etc. You leave the wheelin’ and dealin’ to them and they will think of everything.

The other perspective:

Carrying cash is simply inefficient. If I carry cash at all times, I have to endure several negative side-effects at all time. First of all, i have to carry a wallet. I have to sit on a fat piece of leather in my back pocket which makes sitting uncomfortable and also makes me feel asymmetrical. Do you know how often I am seated? Like 80% of the time. Cash also has the unique property of not feeling like my “money.” My “money” is in the bank. Cash is just something I found in my pocket, so why not just spend it flippantly? Next, I have to acquire cash. How to cash people even get their cash? Do they use ATMs? I doubt it, they are not the type who would stand for paying withdrawal fees. Therefore, these cash people must be going to the bank. Like the actual, physical bank. I cannot think of a more pointless use of my free time than driving my car to a building so I can stand in line and exchange my incredibly convenient digital money for physical money. Let me list the times I’ve needed cash in the last year: cash-only bar that we decided to not patronize, cash-only food truck that we decided not to patronize, cash-only coffee stand that we decided not to patronize. The situations where I need cash have dwindled every year since my birth. How annoying is that one guy who wants you give you cash at dinner instead of just accepting the Venmo request like everybody else? That $20 bill is definitely ending up in my washing machine, not my bank account.

I must admit, I fall on this side of the argument. The main reason for my preference is that cash people just think they’re better than you. They always pull their cash out of their pocket and start fingering through it and then they look at you. You say “I don’t have cash,” because why the fuck would you? Then they give you that infuriating look like you showed up to a ski resort in jeans.

But I’m trying to be understanding, as a stated earlier. I will continue to try to let cash people feel pride in their preparedness when the time comes. They fantasize about pulling cash out when you don’t have any, so let them realize their fantasy. They will have back problems from their wallet, it’s a fair trade-off.

I’ve spent a lot of time in Home Depot/Lowe’s over the last year. I would guess I’ve made over 50 trips to these stores in that time frame. I have seen somebody with their dog in the store at least 75% of my trips. I’ve even been witness to 5+ visits with multiple, simultaneous dog-bringers.

This group of dog-bringers isn’t highly homogeneous; there are old and young, big and small and leashed and unleashed. But there are a few archetypes:

The Toy-Breed Lady – Woman usually from age 40-65 with a small dog. Often accompanied by either one other Toy-Breed Lady, or her grandchildren. Common breeds include Pomeranian, Corgi or Mini-doodle. Always leashed because the dogs are always inquisitive and often terrified of the foot traffic and large objects. Toy-Breed Lady’s dog doesn’t typically misbehave in isolation but is never friendly with other dogs.

The IDGAF Old Guy – Retired man aged 55-80, alone, never clean-shaven, typically wearing tattered cargo shorts and flip-flops. This guy usually has a medium-sized mutt that is surprisingly calm. The IDGAF old guy never leashes his dog and often doesn’t even wait for it to catch up to him. He just casually strolls in while the dog quietly sniffs around and then whistles at it occasionally.

The Millennial Couple – 30s couple who planned their entire day around going to Home Depot. Childless 100% of the time. Dogs range in size, but always have a very trendy breed. Small breeds often seen with ridiculous accessories, such as over-engineered leashes that look like F-16 harnesses. Often the dog will be placed in a cart, even larger breeds (this is to simulate actually having a child). This couple moves incredibly slow through the aisles, beware getting stuck behind them.

The Inconsiderate Country Boy – 22-35 year old male with a larger dog. Common breeds include Black Labrador, German Shepard or Blue Heeler. This dog is never leashed, adheres to no commands and immediately takes off on a mission to map out the entire store and everybody in it. Always has some giant leather/metal collar that makes noise as the dog jogs through the store. This dog will get into an altercation with any other dog present and will bark inside the store 95% of visits.

Opinion: I cannot stress how much I hate all of these people. You might be thinking: “But what if I’m a responsible dog-bringer? What if my doggy is really sweet and nice?” Fuck you, that’s what I think.

There is only a handful of legitimate excuses I will accept for not leaving your dog at home. These include: your house is being fumigated, you’re a K-9 police officer and there’s suspicion of cocaine smuggling in Home Depot, you’re homeless.

I have a dog and I like dogs in certain environments. I like playing with my friends dogs at their homes, I like walking my dog, I like those county pups that ride in the back of trucks. But this intertwining of crowded urban life and dogs is madness. Shopping centers, restaurant and grocery stores are not places for your dog. They are shared spaces with shared purpose, and that purpose is strictly defined. It goes without saying that dogs pose risks in public spaces, such as shitting on the floor, fighting other dogs, biting people, scaring people, shedding, or being obnoxiously loud.

But beyond that, they are a hindrance to their owner’s ability to get their goddamn sprinkler head and get the fuck out of the store. I don’t want to watch you struggle at the self-checkout, trying to scan your new light fixture while Toby is yanking on his leash because he’s trying to steal a child’s candy bar. Now the kids are petting your dog and Toby looks frightened. Now you’re intervening and now the child’s parent is involved and you two start chatting. I’m already hot because I’ve been navigating a 10-ft long lumber train through aisles and displays, waiting on Bella and Max to sniff each other in aisle 9, so I could get my list of 8 items.

One of these days I’m going to lose my shit, I just know it.

Nachos are great, if executed properly. But at restaurants, they rarely are. Typically, they are appetizer fool’s gold.

Except what do you get when you order the nachos? You get a nacho facade, a shallow veneer. The ingredients that you want: the cheese, the meat, the jalapenos; they only exist on the outermost crust of the enormous pile of tortilla chips on your plate. A cross-section of these nachos looks exactly like the Earth’s cross-section diagram you see in a 5th grade earth science book. The chips are the mantle and the delicious toppings the tiny crust. You begin with chips which are quite satisfying; cheese-covered chips with every ingredient available for a dip. But soon this honeymoon phase fades and you have nothing but a pile of bones and a few scattered toppings to scavenge for. This desperation leads to moving ingredients around with your fingers. Soon your pinching cheese off of one chip and distributing it amongst other chips like field rations.

In my world, constructing a plate of nachos (or bowl if you’re smart) takes care and commitment. Nachos are viewed as something quick and effortless; a meal that could be made by an elementary school student. But this is a treason against nachos! Nachos share the same virtue of many great dishes: proper mixing. Meals are eaten in bites and I want every bite to be as perfect as possible. This means all the various tastes and textures intermingling in my mouth at once. Think on the great dishes of human history: the sandwich, the burrito, spaghetti, pizza, sushi. What do they all share? They are constructed in a way which facilitates the perfect bite. They are feats of engineering.

So word to all restaurants with nachos on the menu: I want layers constructed individually, or just one, completely covered layer. No more of this giant pile of chips BS.

I didn’t think it would hit me this hard. Literally 1984, the age of free speech is dead. I had my comment removed from r/NFL on Reddit and now I am banned from commenting in that subreddit. My comment was on one of the many posts regarding Deshaun Watson’s anticipated 6-game suspension and read as follows:

I hope Roger Goodell just gives Deshaun Watson the electric chair so we don’t have to listen to everybody virtue signal on twitter for a year straight.

Some salty, butt-hurt r/NFL user reported me and now I’m banned. Now I have to read everybody’s outrage circle-jerk about how Roger Goodell is satan and “How could Deshaun Watson get less games than player “X” who got suspended for a year for failing 7 drug tests in a row for marijuana! It’s just weed, bro!”

Now I have to sulk to my blog so I can tell everybody my take: the 2020 NFLPA CBA bargained so Roger Goodell wasn’t involved in handing out suspensions. Now everybody is mad at Roger Goodell for not stepping in and suspending Deshaun for more games. He can’t, it’s in the CBA! If you want to be outraged, be outraged at the neutral 3rd party who determined 6 games was the appropriate amount!

Continuing on with my Dad-themed posts (partly because I’m going to be one soon), I’m going to try to coin a term, the “Dad Dunk.” This could go the way of “fetch” or become the next internet craze. I give it a 0.2%.

The Dad Dunk is when you humbly best another grown man in dad shit, ie: demonstrating your handiness, preparedness, toughness or thriftiness. A Dad Dunk is not performed demonstrably, however, it’s much more like a Tim Duncan dunk than a Vince Carter dunk. It’s performed quietly and subtly, preferring practicality over appearance. A classic Dad Dunk scenario is somebody approaching you at a Home Depot and asking you if you know where something is, to which you correctly reply, “down 3 aisles and make a right, they’re next to the electrical conduit.”

I had a different Depot-related Dad Dunk the other day (actually it was Lowe’s, I’m not a brand-simp). I was attempting to pull out of the contractor parking lot (I park there because I Dad Dunk on the employees too) and two men were struggling with about 16 4×4 pressure-treated posts. They were loading them into a short-box pickup right behind my pickup, and taking a very long time to do it. Being always in a hurry and desperate to impress my wife seated in the passenger seat, I quickly sprang from my F-150 driver seat, popped open my toolbox and put on my KingCo leather gloves. Without a word, I began helping the men load their lumber. They thanked me, but were having trouble handling the raw wood due to the splinters. I then jogged over to my toolbox and pulled out two more sets of leather gloves and tossed them casually at the men. This was the windmill Dad Dunk. The look on their faces was a combination of adoration for my preparation and shame at their lack of it. At this moment, these men would follow me onto Utah Beach at Normandy. We finished up and the men were concerned about their load, so I instructed them how to secure it. I let them have an extra strap I had, just to shatter the backboard on them. They returned my gloves and we were both able to exit the parking lot.

I know that this paragraph probably has you retching, imagining me sniffing my own farts as I wrote it. But sometimes we men just need an outlet to shamelessly brag. Please leave a comment below about a recent Dad Dunk where you posterized an unsuspecting adult male.

Level 0 – The Six-Pack
Description: Visible abdominal musculature at all times, regardless of position. No visible stored fat. Bending at the waist creates only skin flap folding, no thicker than 1 inch. Not considered a dad bod.
Also Known As: Ripped, Shredded, Washboard
Typical Cases: Meal-Preppers, skinny teenagers, Christiano Ronaldo

Level 1 – The One-Pack
Description: Visible abdominal muscles in flexed torso positions. Minimal stored fat, all below belly button. Small roll created when bent at the waist but no stomach protrusion otherwise.
Also Known As: In shape, Kinda jacked, Fit
Typical Cases: Athletes, College guys, Gym Rats with mediocre diets

Level 2 – Skinny Fat
Description: Visible central protrusion in all torso positions, focused mainly around belly button and lower abs. Minimal oblique/lateral fat. Upper abdominal muscle slightly visible in most torso positions. Small rolls or doughnut created when in a bent-forward position.
Also Known As: Pooch, Beer Belly, Flabby
Typical Cases: Stoners, Cardio-lovers letting themselves go, Vegans

Level 3 – The Chub
Description: Visible fat when in a non-bent position along with some visible abdominal muscle. Small protrusion below belly button and above hips. Small to medium roll created when slightly bent forward or sideways. Small amount of back fat with minimal protrusion.
Also Known As: Tummy, Healthy, Country Strong, Stocky
Typical Cases: Alcoholic Gym Rats, The youngest guy on the beer softball team, Single guys in their 40s, Drunk Eaters

Level 4 – Muffin Top
Description: Protruding fat present completely around lower torso in all torso positions. Very faint upper abdominal muscle. Medium-sized rolls created with lateral bending. Gut hangs below belt with forward bending. Slight man-boobs.
Also Known As: Belly, Chunk, Doughy, Husky
Typical Cases: Alcoholics, Stress Eaters, Sweatiest guy at the gym

Level 5 – Spare Tire
Description: A larger more sagging muffin top, plus some visible back fat. No visible abdominal muscle. Belly button is wider than it is tall. Large roll present at all times 360 degrees around torso. Man-boobs noticeable, could benefit from bra.
Also Known As: Gut, Chonk, Hefty
Typical Cases: Neckbeards, Depressed white collar workers, Guys who eat desert without sharing

Level 6 – Obese
Description: No longer considered a dad bod. Man titties in armpits.
Also Known As: Huge, Oh Lawd He Comin
Typical Cases: Actual Medical Issues, Completely given up

As a homeowner, I have chosen the life of a handyman. When I finally looked upon my domicile and fully fathomed that I owned it, the life of the handyman was instantly thrust upon me. Immediately I began to furiously plan what my next improvements would be, their budget, their time frame and the tools needed for the job. My resolve was further strengthened when I tried to hire a contractor.

Let me say, hiring contractors is total ass. First of all, they are very expensive. The most minuscule job nowadays in the times of 12% inflation cost 4 figures. Any little thing is going to cost you a G. After they finish and hand you the invoice, you realize how truly easy their work is. With a small amount of experience and the right tools, 99% of home improvement jobs could be completed by a 12 year old. The next annoying thing about hiring work is that in the Boise market in 2022, you can’t even find anybody. 4 different times I have invited a contractor to my house to look at my project to provide me with an estimate. Each time they have looked over the project, nodded, muttered about how they would complete the job, and then never contacted me again. I’m assuming their too busy to bother with my lowly $3,000 project. The last thing that will keep me from hiring people whenever possible is that some of them are pieces of shit who will scam you. Enough said.

Now I am firmly determined to never hire a man to do a job I can do myself. This means I need to acquire enough knowledge to do everything my house might require, as fast as possible. I think rpg video games have made me this way, always trying to optimize the progression. My recent add-on project has taught me many skills very quickly. The project goal is to enclose an existing covered patio and turn it into a workshop/extended garage space. The new walls are complete, constructed on the existing concrete pad. I have also finished 90% of the electrical, which includes recessed lighting, 5 new indoor outlets, a porch light and one outdoor outlet. A utility sink is also being plumbed into the room, brought through the foundation. Next phases are insulation, exhaust fan installation, siding and drywall. The best way to quickly go from complete novice to journeyman in skills of home improvement is to jump right in.

Here’s a list of skills I wish to master and my current experience level:

Framing/Wall Construction: Experienced, pretty easy, many tools.

Electrical: Competent, completely understand concepts, many tools.

Plumbing: Familiar with concepts, lack appropriate tools (PEX crimpers, roto hammer)

Drywall/Wall Texturing: Competent, some tools. Experienced with skip-trowel mud.

Siding/Exterior: Novice. Only demo-ed aluminum siding. Will learn soon. Lacking appropriate sized nail gun.

Irrigation/Drainage: Novice. Only screwed with existing sprinkler system and adjusted sprinkler heads. Want to build a french drain in my yard.

Concrete: Novice. Only mixed concrete to set a post. Hiring out a patio in May.

Cabinetry: Novice. Only built simple shelves.

Masonry: Novice. Fired nails into concrete. Laid pavers in mud.

Will add more in the future.

I’m so tired of people acting like they’re too good for McDonald’s. As a Millennial, my peers and I had front seat tickets to the PR roller coaster than the McDonald’s brand has gone through since the mid 2000s. As children, we bought into the Happy Meal charm, much like previous generations. I loved McD’s as a child. American children have been sold this brand for 50+ years, quite successfully. But then Super Size Me came out. I remember I was shown this documentary in school. Being health conscious was becoming very popular and continues to be so. The entire fast food industry was brought under fire, but McDonald’s took the lion’s share of the blame.

I have gotten in quite a few arguments recently with people who I think represent what is now a very mainstream opinion: McDonald’s is objectively bad. I hear it all the time:

“McDonald’s is so gross”
“I actually don’t like McDonald’s at all”
“I don’t remember the last time I ate McDonalds”

All these comments are always stated as if they are new, rare opinions and by rejecting McDonald’s, the commenter is somehow more enlightened, healthy, disciplined and knowledgeable than the common folk who eat McDoubles. This is the tone of the person who thinks they are too good for McDonald’s.

Now let me give the devil his due on this take. McDonald’s has ran one of the most successful and long-lived advertising campaigns in the history of America. Due to the nature of advertising in general and this campaign’s focus on children, this has been objectively predatory. When fast food was found to be unhealthy, of course this advertising was seen as analogous to the petroleum and cigarette peddlers, which is fair. Not only was the food viewed as bad, but morally reprehensible.

But let me start with my first issue with McDonald’s haters: Quality vs. Taste. You might think that these are one in the same, but you are wrong. Instead of being fooled by McDonald’s to think that Happy Meals are magic, McD haters have been fooled by the entire food industry, catering to health halo market trends. They’ve been convinced that to taste good, food has to be “natural” and “non-processed” and “high-quality.” These are not objective metrics. A case can be made that everything and nothing is “natural, non-processed and high-quality.” This conflation of quality and taste is why people believe so strongly that McDonald’s is objectively bad, because it’s not high quality. This does not mean it doesn’t taste good. McDonald’s has sold 60 trillion burgers worldwide. How the fuck could it be possible that it doesn’t taste good? You think if you went to some undeveloped part of the world and let them have a Big Mac and hot fries that they would tell you it doesn’t taste good? Fuck no. They’d eat it until they puked. Not every single person, but a large majority. This food has been tinkered with for 70 years to be delicious and repeatable. Quality? No. Cheap? Yes. But still tasty.

The next issue I have is: why McDonald’s? Why do people love shitting on the golden arches so much compared to other sources of unhealthy food? If you look at McDonald’s food in terms of nutritional value, its not much worse than any other fast food joint. It’s also not much worse than many homemade meals. It’s not worse than barbecue, Italian food, some Mexican food, tons of stuff. It’s just high in saturated fat and salt. So is all the tasty food! Take a common meal you would prepare at home: spaghetti. Ok you go buy your processed, enriched wheat flour pasta, fry up some processed, antibiotic and hormone injected ground beef, add some pasta sauce made in a factory specifically to improve shelf-life and then sprinkle on some processed, bagged, shredded cheese covered in anti-caking agents. How the fuck is that so much better than a McDouble?

But these people I argue with, boy are they sure McDonald’s is bad. There’s really not any way I can argue against their preference, but I can argue on objective fact. Despite being the posterchild for unhealthy food during a health food market trend that has lasted 20 years, McDonald’s is still on every corner, slinging chicky nuggies. That’s the only fact I need. It’s good. People like it. I don’t care about your concerns on how they acquire their chicken, or what they put in their bread, I’m just saying the food tastes good.