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I have not been interested in going to the movies for some time now. The market for films in America continues to separate into increasingly more homogeneous sub-groups. On one side, traditional cinema, where story, acting prowess, themes and dialogue are the key metrics. These movies/shows/films/pictures/series/whatever are essentially only released to streaming platforms anymore. On the other side, the blockbuster titles. The only media deemed worthy of theatrical release; these movies are either reboots, sequels of other successful (or semi-successful) movies, or general DC/Marvel comic book hero shit. Let’s look at the article “The Most Anticipated Movie Releases: Coming 2023” by the blog site Social Junkie.

Babylon – Original

M3GAN – Original

Kraven The Hunter – Comic Book

The Last Voyage of the Demeter – Original

Knock At The Cabin – Original

Magic Mike’s Last Dance – Sequel

It’s All Coming Back To Me – Original

Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania – Comic Book

Cocaine Bear – Original (I’m intrigued)

Dungeons & Dragons Honor Among Thieves – Original

Creed 3 – Reboot+Sequel

The Haunted Mansion – Reboot

Aquaman 2 – Sequel

John Wick Chapter 4 – Sequel

Scream 6 – Sequel (Too many)

The Super Mario Bros. – Original

Heart Of A Lion – Original

Renfield – Original

Last Train To New York – Reboot (of a foreign film)

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 – Sequel

Fast X – Sequel (STOP)

The Little Mermaid – Reboot (These live action Disney remakes are so bad)

Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse Part One – Comic Book

Transformers Rise Of The Beasts – Reboot (How are we still doing Transformers?)

The Flash – Comic Book

Indiana Jones 5 – Sequel (Harrison is old)

Madame Web – Comic Book

Mission Impossible – Dead Reckoning: Part 1 – Sequel (Tom Cruise is also old)

Barbie – Original

Oppenheimer – Original (Actually stoked for)

The Marvels – Comic Book

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Reboot

The Meg 2 – The Trench – Sequel (Didn’t realize anybody watched ‘The Meg’)

Blue Beetle – Comic Book

The Equaliser 3 – Sequel (Didn’t know there was a 1 and 2)

A Quiet World – Sequel

The Exorcist – Reboot (This has to be like the 8th reboot of this movie)

Paw Patrol The Mighty Movie – Original

Dune 2 – Sequel

Saw X – Sequel (STOP)

Imaginary Friends – Original

Trolls 3 – Sequel (Why?)

The Hunger Games The Ballad of Songbirds And Snakes – Reboot (This title is such a GoT ripoff)

Wonka – Reboot

The Tigers Apprentice – Original

Peter Pan & Wendy – Reboot

Disenchanted – Original

Legally Blonde 3 – Sequel

Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget – Sequel (Dumbfounded they made a sequel to this)

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs – Reboot

Pinocchio – Reboot

Gremlins 3 – Sequel

Totals:

Movies listed: 52

Originals: 16

Sequels: 17

Reboots: 12

Comic Books: 7

So 69% of new 2023 movies are unoriginal ideas? Nice.

It’s that time of year.

Over the past few years, I’ve been conducting market research for the male underwear industry and I would like to share my findings and interpretations. There is a lot of action happening in this market right now, with various online luxury underwear brands popping up.

The first thing I’ve noticed is there has been consolidation in underwear types. When I was a kid, you had briefs, boxers and boxer briefs. I now feel like 95% of men wear boxer briefs, the other 5% being geriatrics wearing tight-whiteys and a few weirdos wearing boxers.

But the key insight I’d like to share today is one that surprised me: there is almost a 50/50 split on the usage preferences of the underwear penis hole. If you’re unaware of basic male underwear construction principles, there is a flap located right in the junk region of almost all male underwear, which allows an object to pass through the underwear if the flap is opened, usually being the dick of the wearer for urination purposes.

At least this is was I thought. Because apparently to over half of the US male population, this flap/hole is there for absolutely no reason whatsoever. These men do not use this hole to allow their dong to pass through their underwear, they have opted out of this technique in exchange for pulling their waistband below their johnson to piss. As I stated, I find the proportion of flap-users and waistband-pullers about equal, with waistband-pullers owning a slight edge. I ask this question frequently to groups of guy friends, because I’m always astounded at how evenly split the group is and how flabbergasted each group is by the other group’s technique.

Side note: this group distinction does not apply when wearing zipper-less pants such as basketball shorts or sweats. For these garments, waistband pulling is unavoidable.

Personally, I am a flap-user. To clarify for you waistband-pullers out there, when I saunter up to a urinal to piss, I perform the following actions:

unzip my pants

reach through the pants hole

pry open the underwear flap

grab my willy

pull it through both holes

piss

stuff in back through

zip up

To any flap-user or female, this may sound completely reasonable. To a waistband-puller, the process I described is probably as foreign as a bidet is to your grandfather. The waistband-pullers process, in comparison, is crude but simple. Here is their process, as far as I understand it:

undo belt, if wearing one

unbutton pants

unzip pants

pull underwear below dick

pull dick over underwear

piss

let waistband snap back into place

zip, button, belt

There are also a few outlier techniques, which are even more rare. These include the hybrid, where the user opens their pants fully, but uses their underwear flap. There is also the rare breed who pull their entire package over their waistband, balls included (strange indeed). The last is the little kid technique, where you just drop your pants with your ass fully exposed.

My take: I find waistband-pullers unsophisticated. When asked why they don’t use the penis flap, which was designed specifically to allow for ease of urination, they usually respond with some irrational fear of scraping their dick on their zipper. I have never experienced this; it’s quite simple to just grab a fist full of dong and pull it out, fully protected by hand. I have tried the waistband-puller technique, just for the experience. My first criticism of the method is that it often requires two hands, one for dick and one to hold your pants up, unless you want to spread your legs and squat to keep them up. The next issue I have is that you have to really stretch your waistband low if you don’t want a kink in your member, which hinders the piss. This leads to worn out undies. Lastly, if you are feeling a bit buzzed and happen to lose grip of your waistband, you will simultaneously rubberband-snap your dick and piss all over yourself. This is a unnecessary risk I will not take.

So are you team waistband-puller or team flap-user?

This might be the most crunchy, granola-ass idea I’ve ever had, but I feel like it might have legs. The concept is: families in a neighborhood going door-to-door, much like trick or treating, in early September. But instead of passing out candy, each house passes out produce that they grew from their garden. This would promote getting to know your neighbors, as well as giving everybody a wide array of fresh fruits and vegetables to try. It would also give you a chance to show off your green thumb skills. Everybody who gardens semi-seriously always has way to much of one crop; share the wealth! Just don’t everybody go and grow only tomatoes.

The one thing I’m struggling with is a marketable, catchy name for this new phenomenon I’m trying to create. Something with “produce” or “harvest”? I don’t know. “Crop or Treating” is the best thing I’ve thought of so far. If you think of anything, comment below and I will remember you when I’m famous.

Spoilers up until episode 5 to come, but at this point, I’m like a month behind with this take.

Why the hell did they need to use different actresses on House of Dragons? Rhaenyra and Alicent, two of the most important main characters. Ten year time jump happens right at the beginning of episode 5 with very little explanation. If you are checking your phone for 30 seconds to start this episode and look up, you will be lost. Rhaenyra is played by a completely different actress and she’s having a child. It took me 10 minutes to realize that this new face was Rhaenyra. The strange part is that most of the main characters were not replaced. Why did they do this? It’s so confusing.

People’s main take in response: “There’s a time jump! They had to!”

No, they certainly did not. The budget for this show is $20 million an episode and Milly Alcock is 22 years old. Rhaenyra is 17 before the time jump, and 27 after the time jump. You’re telling me that they made Brad Pitt age fucking backwards in Benjamin Button but you can’t make a 22 year old look 27? The new actress doesn’t even look like Milly Alcock, who to be fair, has an incredibly weird and unique face. I swear the next episode they’re going to put Meryl Streep in a blond wig and not tell anybody and just expect us to all realize Rhaenyra is now 55.

Polarization has taken over our society in America. The “with us or against us” mentality has trickled down to every lifestyle choice imaginable. Personally, I think the most important way to stay grounded in this marketplace of ideas, where people are so desperate to turn you to their side, is to understand both arguments. There are pros and cons to both sides of every contested issue; if there wasn’t, it wouldn’t be contested. If somebody makes a case for one side with a high level of conviction, make sure they are doing so with self-awareness of their bias.

As an exercise to demonstrate my ability to philosophically shapeshift, let’s talk about a very highly contentious issue in modern society: cash. There are two obvious camps of people: those who think you should carry cash and those that deem it unnecessary. I will start with the former’s perspective.

Carrying cash is the easiest and most basic form of preparedness. Going out into society today without cash is like going camping without a tent. If you need something or anything, cash can get it for you. What if your car breaks down? What if you’re held at gunpoint? What if your house burns down? What if the banking system collapses because China hacks all the software and your credit is destroyed? That’s why you have the greenbacks baby. Isn’t it great when you’re out to dinner, somebody picks up the check, and you just hand them a crisp $20 bill and wipe your hands clean of the transactions? What if you want to buy drugs? What if you want to make a friendly wager? What if there is a street performer who is very talented? Cash is King, Cash Rules Everything Around Me C.R.E.A.M, the almighty dollar. How are you going to tip the bellhop at the hotel with your phone?

Ok, that argument has its points. I think we’ve all met somebody who thinks like this. They are typically older, conservative people who view the world as a dangerous, unpredictable place. They are the type that buys the insurance on their electronics. These are the people you should trust to book hotels, buy tickets, plan trips, etc. You leave the wheelin’ and dealin’ to them and they will think of everything.

The other perspective:

Carrying cash is simply inefficient. If I carry cash at all times, I have to endure several negative side-effects at all time. First of all, i have to carry a wallet. I have to sit on a fat piece of leather in my back pocket which makes sitting uncomfortable and also makes me feel asymmetrical. Do you know how often I am seated? Like 80% of the time. Cash also has the unique property of not feeling like my “money.” My “money” is in the bank. Cash is just something I found in my pocket, so why not just spend it flippantly? Next, I have to acquire cash. How to cash people even get their cash? Do they use ATMs? I doubt it, they are not the type who would stand for paying withdrawal fees. Therefore, these cash people must be going to the bank. Like the actual, physical bank. I cannot think of a more pointless use of my free time than driving my car to a building so I can stand in line and exchange my incredibly convenient digital money for physical money. Let me list the times I’ve needed cash in the last year: cash-only bar that we decided to not patronize, cash-only food truck that we decided not to patronize, cash-only coffee stand that we decided not to patronize. The situations where I need cash have dwindled every year since my birth. How annoying is that one guy who wants you give you cash at dinner instead of just accepting the Venmo request like everybody else? That $20 bill is definitely ending up in my washing machine, not my bank account.

I must admit, I fall on this side of the argument. The main reason for my preference is that cash people just think they’re better than you. They always pull their cash out of their pocket and start fingering through it and then they look at you. You say “I don’t have cash,” because why the fuck would you? Then they give you that infuriating look like you showed up to a ski resort in jeans.

But I’m trying to be understanding, as a stated earlier. I will continue to try to let cash people feel pride in their preparedness when the time comes. They fantasize about pulling cash out when you don’t have any, so let them realize their fantasy. They will have back problems from their wallet, it’s a fair trade-off.

I’ve spent a lot of time in Home Depot/Lowe’s over the last year. I would guess I’ve made over 50 trips to these stores in that time frame. I have seen somebody with their dog in the store at least 75% of my trips. I’ve even been witness to 5+ visits with multiple, simultaneous dog-bringers.

This group of dog-bringers isn’t highly homogeneous; there are old and young, big and small and leashed and unleashed. But there are a few archetypes:

The Toy-Breed Lady – Woman usually from age 40-65 with a small dog. Often accompanied by either one other Toy-Breed Lady, or her grandchildren. Common breeds include Pomeranian, Corgi or Mini-doodle. Always leashed because the dogs are always inquisitive and often terrified of the foot traffic and large objects. Toy-Breed Lady’s dog doesn’t typically misbehave in isolation but is never friendly with other dogs.

The IDGAF Old Guy – Retired man aged 55-80, alone, never clean-shaven, typically wearing tattered cargo shorts and flip-flops. This guy usually has a medium-sized mutt that is surprisingly calm. The IDGAF old guy never leashes his dog and often doesn’t even wait for it to catch up to him. He just casually strolls in while the dog quietly sniffs around and then whistles at it occasionally.

The Millennial Couple – 30s couple who planned their entire day around going to Home Depot. Childless 100% of the time. Dogs range in size, but always have a very trendy breed. Small breeds often seen with ridiculous accessories, such as over-engineered leashes that look like F-16 harnesses. Often the dog will be placed in a cart, even larger breeds (this is to simulate actually having a child). This couple moves incredibly slow through the aisles, beware getting stuck behind them.

The Inconsiderate Country Boy – 22-35 year old male with a larger dog. Common breeds include Black Labrador, German Shepard or Blue Heeler. This dog is never leashed, adheres to no commands and immediately takes off on a mission to map out the entire store and everybody in it. Always has some giant leather/metal collar that makes noise as the dog jogs through the store. This dog will get into an altercation with any other dog present and will bark inside the store 95% of visits.

Opinion: I cannot stress how much I hate all of these people. You might be thinking: “But what if I’m a responsible dog-bringer? What if my doggy is really sweet and nice?” Fuck you, that’s what I think.

There is only a handful of legitimate excuses I will accept for not leaving your dog at home. These include: your house is being fumigated, you’re a K-9 police officer and there’s suspicion of cocaine smuggling in Home Depot, you’re homeless.

I have a dog and I like dogs in certain environments. I like playing with my friends dogs at their homes, I like walking my dog, I like those county pups that ride in the back of trucks. But this intertwining of crowded urban life and dogs is madness. Shopping centers, restaurant and grocery stores are not places for your dog. They are shared spaces with shared purpose, and that purpose is strictly defined. It goes without saying that dogs pose risks in public spaces, such as shitting on the floor, fighting other dogs, biting people, scaring people, shedding, or being obnoxiously loud.

But beyond that, they are a hindrance to their owner’s ability to get their goddamn sprinkler head and get the fuck out of the store. I don’t want to watch you struggle at the self-checkout, trying to scan your new light fixture while Toby is yanking on his leash because he’s trying to steal a child’s candy bar. Now the kids are petting your dog and Toby looks frightened. Now you’re intervening and now the child’s parent is involved and you two start chatting. I’m already hot because I’ve been navigating a 10-ft long lumber train through aisles and displays, waiting on Bella and Max to sniff each other in aisle 9, so I could get my list of 8 items.

One of these days I’m going to lose my shit, I just know it.

Nachos are great, if executed properly. But at restaurants, they rarely are. Typically, they are appetizer fool’s gold.

Except what do you get when you order the nachos? You get a nacho facade, a shallow veneer. The ingredients that you want: the cheese, the meat, the jalapenos; they only exist on the outermost crust of the enormous pile of tortilla chips on your plate. A cross-section of these nachos looks exactly like the Earth’s cross-section diagram you see in a 5th grade earth science book. The chips are the mantle and the delicious toppings the tiny crust. You begin with chips which are quite satisfying; cheese-covered chips with every ingredient available for a dip. But soon this honeymoon phase fades and you have nothing but a pile of bones and a few scattered toppings to scavenge for. This desperation leads to moving ingredients around with your fingers. Soon your pinching cheese off of one chip and distributing it amongst other chips like field rations.

In my world, constructing a plate of nachos (or bowl if you’re smart) takes care and commitment. Nachos are viewed as something quick and effortless; a meal that could be made by an elementary school student. But this is a treason against nachos! Nachos share the same virtue of many great dishes: proper mixing. Meals are eaten in bites and I want every bite to be as perfect as possible. This means all the various tastes and textures intermingling in my mouth at once. Think on the great dishes of human history: the sandwich, the burrito, spaghetti, pizza, sushi. What do they all share? They are constructed in a way which facilitates the perfect bite. They are feats of engineering.

So word to all restaurants with nachos on the menu: I want layers constructed individually, or just one, completely covered layer. No more of this giant pile of chips BS.

I didn’t think it would hit me this hard. Literally 1984, the age of free speech is dead. I had my comment removed from r/NFL on Reddit and now I am banned from commenting in that subreddit. My comment was on one of the many posts regarding Deshaun Watson’s anticipated 6-game suspension and read as follows:

I hope Roger Goodell just gives Deshaun Watson the electric chair so we don’t have to listen to everybody virtue signal on twitter for a year straight.

Some salty, butt-hurt r/NFL user reported me and now I’m banned. Now I have to read everybody’s outrage circle-jerk about how Roger Goodell is satan and “How could Deshaun Watson get less games than player “X” who got suspended for a year for failing 7 drug tests in a row for marijuana! It’s just weed, bro!”

Now I have to sulk to my blog so I can tell everybody my take: the 2020 NFLPA CBA bargained so Roger Goodell wasn’t involved in handing out suspensions. Now everybody is mad at Roger Goodell for not stepping in and suspending Deshaun for more games. He can’t, it’s in the CBA! If you want to be outraged, be outraged at the neutral 3rd party who determined 6 games was the appropriate amount!

Continuing on with my Dad-themed posts (partly because I’m going to be one soon), I’m going to try to coin a term, the “Dad Dunk.” This could go the way of “fetch” or become the next internet craze. I give it a 0.2%.

The Dad Dunk is when you humbly best another grown man in dad shit, ie: demonstrating your handiness, preparedness, toughness or thriftiness. A Dad Dunk is not performed demonstrably, however, it’s much more like a Tim Duncan dunk than a Vince Carter dunk. It’s performed quietly and subtly, preferring practicality over appearance. A classic Dad Dunk scenario is somebody approaching you at a Home Depot and asking you if you know where something is, to which you correctly reply, “down 3 aisles and make a right, they’re next to the electrical conduit.”

I had a different Depot-related Dad Dunk the other day (actually it was Lowe’s, I’m not a brand-simp). I was attempting to pull out of the contractor parking lot (I park there because I Dad Dunk on the employees too) and two men were struggling with about 16 4×4 pressure-treated posts. They were loading them into a short-box pickup right behind my pickup, and taking a very long time to do it. Being always in a hurry and desperate to impress my wife seated in the passenger seat, I quickly sprang from my F-150 driver seat, popped open my toolbox and put on my KingCo leather gloves. Without a word, I began helping the men load their lumber. They thanked me, but were having trouble handling the raw wood due to the splinters. I then jogged over to my toolbox and pulled out two more sets of leather gloves and tossed them casually at the men. This was the windmill Dad Dunk. The look on their faces was a combination of adoration for my preparation and shame at their lack of it. At this moment, these men would follow me onto Utah Beach at Normandy. We finished up and the men were concerned about their load, so I instructed them how to secure it. I let them have an extra strap I had, just to shatter the backboard on them. They returned my gloves and we were both able to exit the parking lot.

I know that this paragraph probably has you retching, imagining me sniffing my own farts as I wrote it. But sometimes we men just need an outlet to shamelessly brag. Please leave a comment below about a recent Dad Dunk where you posterized an unsuspecting adult male.