I’ve spent a lot of time in Home Depot/Lowe’s over the last year. I would guess I’ve made over 50 trips to these stores in that time frame. I have seen somebody with their dog in the store at least 75% of my trips. I’ve even been witness to 5+ visits with multiple, simultaneous dog-bringers.
This group of dog-bringers isn’t highly homogeneous; there are old and young, big and small and leashed and unleashed. But there are a few archetypes:
The Toy-Breed Lady – Woman usually from age 40-65 with a small dog. Often accompanied by either one other Toy-Breed Lady, or her grandchildren. Common breeds include Pomeranian, Corgi or Mini-doodle. Always leashed because the dogs are always inquisitive and often terrified of the foot traffic and large objects. Toy-Breed Lady’s dog doesn’t typically misbehave in isolation but is never friendly with other dogs.
The IDGAF Old Guy – Retired man aged 55-80, alone, never clean-shaven, typically wearing tattered cargo shorts and flip-flops. This guy usually has a medium-sized mutt that is surprisingly calm. The IDGAF old guy never leashes his dog and often doesn’t even wait for it to catch up to him. He just casually strolls in while the dog quietly sniffs around and then whistles at it occasionally.
The Millennial Couple – 30s couple who planned their entire day around going to Home Depot. Childless 100% of the time. Dogs range in size, but always have a very trendy breed. Small breeds often seen with ridiculous accessories, such as over-engineered leashes that look like F-16 harnesses. Often the dog will be placed in a cart, even larger breeds (this is to simulate actually having a child). This couple moves incredibly slow through the aisles, beware getting stuck behind them.
The Inconsiderate Country Boy – 22-35 year old male with a larger dog. Common breeds include Black Labrador, German Shepard or Blue Heeler. This dog is never leashed, adheres to no commands and immediately takes off on a mission to map out the entire store and everybody in it. Always has some giant leather/metal collar that makes noise as the dog jogs through the store. This dog will get into an altercation with any other dog present and will bark inside the store 95% of visits.
Opinion: I cannot stress how much I hate all of these people. You might be thinking: “But what if I’m a responsible dog-bringer? What if my doggy is really sweet and nice?” Fuck you, that’s what I think.
There is only a handful of legitimate excuses I will accept for not leaving your dog at home. These include: your house is being fumigated, you’re a K-9 police officer and there’s suspicion of cocaine smuggling in Home Depot, you’re homeless.
I have a dog and I like dogs in certain environments. I like playing with my friends dogs at their homes, I like walking my dog, I like those county pups that ride in the back of trucks. But this intertwining of crowded urban life and dogs is madness. Shopping centers, restaurant and grocery stores are not places for your dog. They are shared spaces with shared purpose, and that purpose is strictly defined. It goes without saying that dogs pose risks in public spaces, such as shitting on the floor, fighting other dogs, biting people, scaring people, shedding, or being obnoxiously loud.
But beyond that, they are a hindrance to their owner’s ability to get their goddamn sprinkler head and get the fuck out of the store. I don’t want to watch you struggle at the self-checkout, trying to scan your new light fixture while Toby is yanking on his leash because he’s trying to steal a child’s candy bar. Now the kids are petting your dog and Toby looks frightened. Now you’re intervening and now the child’s parent is involved and you two start chatting. I’m already hot because I’ve been navigating a 10-ft long lumber train through aisles and displays, waiting on Bella and Max to sniff each other in aisle 9, so I could get my list of 8 items.
One of these days I’m going to lose my shit, I just know it.