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Level 0 – The Six-Pack
Description: Visible abdominal musculature at all times, regardless of position. No visible stored fat. Bending at the waist creates only skin flap folding, no thicker than 1 inch. Not considered a dad bod.
Also Known As: Ripped, Shredded, Washboard
Typical Cases: Meal-Preppers, skinny teenagers, Christiano Ronaldo

Level 1 – The One-Pack
Description: Visible abdominal muscles in flexed torso positions. Minimal stored fat, all below belly button. Small roll created when bent at the waist but no stomach protrusion otherwise.
Also Known As: In shape, Kinda jacked, Fit
Typical Cases: Athletes, College guys, Gym Rats with mediocre diets

Level 2 – Skinny Fat
Description: Visible central protrusion in all torso positions, focused mainly around belly button and lower abs. Minimal oblique/lateral fat. Upper abdominal muscle slightly visible in most torso positions. Small rolls or doughnut created when in a bent-forward position.
Also Known As: Pooch, Beer Belly, Flabby
Typical Cases: Stoners, Cardio-lovers letting themselves go, Vegans

Level 3 – The Chub
Description: Visible fat when in a non-bent position along with some visible abdominal muscle. Small protrusion below belly button and above hips. Small to medium roll created when slightly bent forward or sideways. Small amount of back fat with minimal protrusion.
Also Known As: Tummy, Healthy, Country Strong, Stocky
Typical Cases: Alcoholic Gym Rats, The youngest guy on the beer softball team, Single guys in their 40s, Drunk Eaters

Level 4 – Muffin Top
Description: Protruding fat present completely around lower torso in all torso positions. Very faint upper abdominal muscle. Medium-sized rolls created with lateral bending. Gut hangs below belt with forward bending. Slight man-boobs.
Also Known As: Belly, Chunk, Doughy, Husky
Typical Cases: Alcoholics, Stress Eaters, Sweatiest guy at the gym

Level 5 – Spare Tire
Description: A larger more sagging muffin top, plus some visible back fat. No visible abdominal muscle. Belly button is wider than it is tall. Large roll present at all times 360 degrees around torso. Man-boobs noticeable, could benefit from bra.
Also Known As: Gut, Chonk, Hefty
Typical Cases: Neckbeards, Depressed white collar workers, Guys who eat desert without sharing

Level 6 – Obese
Description: No longer considered a dad bod. Man titties in armpits.
Also Known As: Huge, Oh Lawd He Comin
Typical Cases: Actual Medical Issues, Completely given up

As a homeowner, I have chosen the life of a handyman. When I finally looked upon my domicile and fully fathomed that I owned it, the life of the handyman was instantly thrust upon me. Immediately I began to furiously plan what my next improvements would be, their budget, their time frame and the tools needed for the job. My resolve was further strengthened when I tried to hire a contractor.

Let me say, hiring contractors is total ass. First of all, they are very expensive. The most minuscule job nowadays in the times of 12% inflation cost 4 figures. Any little thing is going to cost you a G. After they finish and hand you the invoice, you realize how truly easy their work is. With a small amount of experience and the right tools, 99% of home improvement jobs could be completed by a 12 year old. The next annoying thing about hiring work is that in the Boise market in 2022, you can’t even find anybody. 4 different times I have invited a contractor to my house to look at my project to provide me with an estimate. Each time they have looked over the project, nodded, muttered about how they would complete the job, and then never contacted me again. I’m assuming their too busy to bother with my lowly $3,000 project. The last thing that will keep me from hiring people whenever possible is that some of them are pieces of shit who will scam you. Enough said.

Now I am firmly determined to never hire a man to do a job I can do myself. This means I need to acquire enough knowledge to do everything my house might require, as fast as possible. I think rpg video games have made me this way, always trying to optimize the progression. My recent add-on project has taught me many skills very quickly. The project goal is to enclose an existing covered patio and turn it into a workshop/extended garage space. The new walls are complete, constructed on the existing concrete pad. I have also finished 90% of the electrical, which includes recessed lighting, 5 new indoor outlets, a porch light and one outdoor outlet. A utility sink is also being plumbed into the room, brought through the foundation. Next phases are insulation, exhaust fan installation, siding and drywall. The best way to quickly go from complete novice to journeyman in skills of home improvement is to jump right in.

Here’s a list of skills I wish to master and my current experience level:

Framing/Wall Construction: Experienced, pretty easy, many tools.

Electrical: Competent, completely understand concepts, many tools.

Plumbing: Familiar with concepts, lack appropriate tools (PEX crimpers, roto hammer)

Drywall/Wall Texturing: Competent, some tools. Experienced with skip-trowel mud.

Siding/Exterior: Novice. Only demo-ed aluminum siding. Will learn soon. Lacking appropriate sized nail gun.

Irrigation/Drainage: Novice. Only screwed with existing sprinkler system and adjusted sprinkler heads. Want to build a french drain in my yard.

Concrete: Novice. Only mixed concrete to set a post. Hiring out a patio in May.

Cabinetry: Novice. Only built simple shelves.

Masonry: Novice. Fired nails into concrete. Laid pavers in mud.

Will add more in the future.

I’m so tired of people acting like they’re too good for McDonald’s. As a Millennial, my peers and I had front seat tickets to the PR roller coaster than the McDonald’s brand has gone through since the mid 2000s. As children, we bought into the Happy Meal charm, much like previous generations. I loved McD’s as a child. American children have been sold this brand for 50+ years, quite successfully. But then Super Size Me came out. I remember I was shown this documentary in school. Being health conscious was becoming very popular and continues to be so. The entire fast food industry was brought under fire, but McDonald’s took the lion’s share of the blame.

I have gotten in quite a few arguments recently with people who I think represent what is now a very mainstream opinion: McDonald’s is objectively bad. I hear it all the time:

“McDonald’s is so gross”
“I actually don’t like McDonald’s at all”
“I don’t remember the last time I ate McDonalds”

All these comments are always stated as if they are new, rare opinions and by rejecting McDonald’s, the commenter is somehow more enlightened, healthy, disciplined and knowledgeable than the common folk who eat McDoubles. This is the tone of the person who thinks they are too good for McDonald’s.

Now let me give the devil his due on this take. McDonald’s has ran one of the most successful and long-lived advertising campaigns in the history of America. Due to the nature of advertising in general and this campaign’s focus on children, this has been objectively predatory. When fast food was found to be unhealthy, of course this advertising was seen as analogous to the petroleum and cigarette peddlers, which is fair. Not only was the food viewed as bad, but morally reprehensible.

But let me start with my first issue with McDonald’s haters: Quality vs. Taste. You might think that these are one in the same, but you are wrong. Instead of being fooled by McDonald’s to think that Happy Meals are magic, McD haters have been fooled by the entire food industry, catering to health halo market trends. They’ve been convinced that to taste good, food has to be “natural” and “non-processed” and “high-quality.” These are not objective metrics. A case can be made that everything and nothing is “natural, non-processed and high-quality.” This conflation of quality and taste is why people believe so strongly that McDonald’s is objectively bad, because it’s not high quality. This does not mean it doesn’t taste good. McDonald’s has sold 60 trillion burgers worldwide. How the fuck could it be possible that it doesn’t taste good? You think if you went to some undeveloped part of the world and let them have a Big Mac and hot fries that they would tell you it doesn’t taste good? Fuck no. They’d eat it until they puked. Not every single person, but a large majority. This food has been tinkered with for 70 years to be delicious and repeatable. Quality? No. Cheap? Yes. But still tasty.

The next issue I have is: why McDonald’s? Why do people love shitting on the golden arches so much compared to other sources of unhealthy food? If you look at McDonald’s food in terms of nutritional value, its not much worse than any other fast food joint. It’s also not much worse than many homemade meals. It’s not worse than barbecue, Italian food, some Mexican food, tons of stuff. It’s just high in saturated fat and salt. So is all the tasty food! Take a common meal you would prepare at home: spaghetti. Ok you go buy your processed, enriched wheat flour pasta, fry up some processed, antibiotic and hormone injected ground beef, add some pasta sauce made in a factory specifically to improve shelf-life and then sprinkle on some processed, bagged, shredded cheese covered in anti-caking agents. How the fuck is that so much better than a McDouble?

But these people I argue with, boy are they sure McDonald’s is bad. There’s really not any way I can argue against their preference, but I can argue on objective fact. Despite being the posterchild for unhealthy food during a health food market trend that has lasted 20 years, McDonald’s is still on every corner, slinging chicky nuggies. That’s the only fact I need. It’s good. People like it. I don’t care about your concerns on how they acquire their chicken, or what they put in their bread, I’m just saying the food tastes good.

It appears to me that all of one’s belongings lie on a spectrum with regard to their importance. “Importance” being the best term I can think of for this instance. As objects continue along this spectrum, they take more primacy in one’s life and become more and more a representation of their owner. There is also more pride taken in these objects by their owner as they grow in “importance,” and this pride is socially seen as good. The highest order object for most people along this spectrum is their home, while the least is something highly temporary and discardable.

What I’ve been thinking about is where the line is, in a moral sense regarding how we should view, act and feel about these objects. As objects are promoted along our individual importance hierarchies, we begin to see decisions made around these objects become more a reflection of one’s own taste and values. Take a home, or car, for example. The look, cleanliness, condition and quality of these objects occupies an enormous amount of mental space for their owner’s. There is social judgement regarding these objects and what they say about their owner. An object in the middle of the spectrum, say a bag, for example, has very little meaning attached to it. If you had a tattered, dirty bag, no reasonable person would assume you live a shabby lifestyle. But a dirty, mechanically unsound car? Different story.

My realization is that all of these objects are just that, objects. They are things. I think it’s reasonable to assume that materialism is morally wrong, on its face. But then, didn’t your grandpa always want you to take good care of your things? What aspects of pride in one’s possessions constitutes thrift, responsibility, nurturing, etc, and what aspects are simply shallow pride? If one was highly prideful of their toaster and valued it above other things deemed valuable in their life, would they not be laughed at? Yet this same proposition is not only accepted for an object like one’s car, but it is encouraged. Somebody that doesn’t value their car is a loser, somebody that does value their toaster is a loser. Where is this line, the distinction? Where along the importance spectrum does an object become socially acceptable to obsess over?

Maybe no objects should be in this category. Maybe we should all remember that even our home, that we pamper and insure and spend hours fantasizing about how to improve, is just a thing. And pride in that thing is somewhat pathetic.

Obviously this list is biased. My perspective is unique to a 29 year-old male living in Boise, ID. My criteria is mostly centered around weather, sporting events and holidays. Another implicit, more subtle factor is the school year. I think we all have our yearly circadian rhythm synchronized with the American school year, even as adults. It’s embedded into us from Kindergarten.

I will also admit that I don’t share the hatred of cold weather that most people seem to have. I think 100+ degree days are worse than 45 degree days. If you think all the cold months should be at the bottom of the list then you’re a lizard and you shouldn’t read my rankings.

This is my official Buzzfeed job application. Let’s get it started.

12. August

Boy, does this month suck. The only memories of enjoying this month are preconceived notions left over from grade school. August used to be the Sunday of the summer, often filled with relaxation and preparation. It was a little depressing but also a little exciting. Now, as an adult living in a heavily forested state, August is awful. It’s nothing but oppressive heat and poisonous smoke. That new tan is gone and all that remains is a sweaty taint.

Weather: So hot, so smoky. Water activities are still on the table and August is a good month for relaxed work schedules, which makes family gatherings common. There is opportunity for outdoor fun in August, it’s just a shame is has to be in such an otherwise terrible month.

Sports: The call it the dog days for a reason. Nobody cares about baseball at this point. Football is starting preseason, which is also worthless except for the diehards. No basketball. Soccer is starting up, which is nice, but not enough for us red-blooded Americans to get hyped. Sometimes you get the summer Olympics, which can alleviate the television situation slightly, but it gets old fast. I think there’s normally some season-ending golf events in August but Covid fucked up the schedule the past 2 years and they were in October.

11. April

April really doesn’t have much going for it. During school I would also get very restless in April. You begin to feel the summer coming, but it’s still out of reach. April is famously rainy, which isn’t inspiring after 4 months of cold. April is even known in the northern states to give a surprise snowstorm occasionally, which is never welcomed. Also taxes.

Weather: Weather is shit. You might get a couple of days that occur only to get your hopes up. You’re so fed up with wet and cold at this point in the year that outdoor activities are just irritating. It seems like April can be really windy, too.

Sports: Crickets (not the sport, the noise). College Basketball just finished, football long gone. Baseball starts up, but the beginning of the season in baseball is meaningless; page me after the All-Star break. NBA and European Soccer are getting close to postseason, but not quite there. The one saving grace: The Masters. This is the only reason April isn’t in last.

Holidays: Earth Day? Easter, most years? Easter is by far the lamest of the Jesus-themed holidays. No offense to Catholics, but nobody observes Lent anymore. All Easter gets you is a nice meal and maybe some chocolate. The only hype holiday in April is 4/20, but that stops being as fun when you’re an adult and can’t go to work baked AF.

10. February

February gets the benefit for being the shortest month, so it’s awful weather and relatively lackluster lineup of events is minimized to only 28 days. February can be good for skiing and has arguably the best sporting event of the year, but the weather is not good. Cold gets old fast for most people, and this is the home stretch of winter.

Weather: Terrible. Snow in February just doesn’t have that pop like Pre-Christmas snow has. Even January snow seems more exciting for snowboarding or skiing. By February you’ve already spent a month’s salary on over-priced lift tickets and you just want the snow to go away.

Sports: Super Bowl. That’s it. With the new longer NFL season, February might be able to claim a little more can’t-miss action, but historically it’s the Supey, then 3 weeks of nada. NBA, CBB and Soccer are on, but nothing really impactful.

Holidays: Valentine’s Day might be the worst “major” holiday. I like going on dates but it feels much more like a chore than a holiday. There aren’t many other holidays I can “fuck up.” Not trying to complain, but when put under scrutiny this holiday is crap. President’s Day, however, is kind of slept on. I feel like there’s always an awesome ski trip on President’s Day, since it’s always Monday. Great deals on cars and appliances too.

9. November

All you Thanksgiving Stans can kick rocks. Thanksgiving is great, kicks off the holiday season, football, turkey, etc. But the problem with November is the goddamn Christmas preparation. Decorations, music, and worst of all, gifts. The lead up to Christmas is great once the plan is under control, but in November, uncertainty creeps in. That realization that you have to plan travel and gifts is like getting back from vacation to a mountain of work on your desk.

Weather: The crisp, beautiful Autumnal color palette has turned grey and you realize all your wool socks have holes in them. No skiing yet, but still a few nice days to wake up to.

Sports: Football is in full swing, Basketball barely starting. Baseball over. It feels like a good sports month because of Thanksgiving Day football, but it really isn’t.

Holidays: I think people forget the 3 other weeks of November because it’s so defined by Thanksgiving. It’s too dependent on it. Thanksgiving is a top-3 holiday, though. Two days off + football + food.

8. March

As hard as November is carried by Thanksgiving, March is carried even harder by the greatest sports week of the year, March Madness Rounds 1 and 2. Not to mention, this week coincides with Spring Break. The weather is total ass, but for some reason, still better than April. I think right after the winter, 55 degrees in March feels amazing. But by April it’s been 55 and overcast every day for a month and you just want actual sun.

Weather: Terrible, but brings hope

Sports: Nothing but March Madness is really on, which makes it even better. No sporting event keeps America’s focus for as long as the Big Dance. Receptionists, babies, homeless people all having nothing better to do than fill out brackets and talk about their picks. And the tournament’s pacing is *chef’s kiss* perfection. Those two weeks with games Thursday through Sunday are the greatest distraction ever. It’s like back-to-back 4 day weekends.

Holidays: St. Patrick’s Day is really only for college students. It’s 4/20 for drinking.

7. October

October is November’s younger and hotter sister with better weather and the World Series. October has short-comings, however, namely the dull, holiday-free stretch of days until the very last day of the month. October also has that impending dread of winter approaching.

Weather: Early October is as good as it gets: crisp mornings, comfortable days, cool nights, limited rain. The problem is about halfway through the month you realize you can’t feel your hands when playing twilight golf. Then you go to a night-game tailgate a week later and realize your hoodie wasn’t even close to enough clothes. Then you try to remember where you put your gloves because you haven’t seen them since February.

Sports: Full football slate. World Series. Solid one-two punch.

Holidays: Halloween is a tricky one. As a child, it’s amazing. As a teenager, it’s kind of lame unless you’re a vandalizing delinquent. As a college student, it’s the best day of the year. As a 20-something, it’s entirely dependent on if one of your friends throws a good house party. Covid has really wrecked house parties, so Halloween has been pretty lame recently. At 29, it’s in the St. Patrick’s Day tier as a holiday but I imagine when you have kids, it moves up to the Valentine’s/Easter tier.

6. January

Now we’re starting to get into the good months. January is pretty underrated, often considered a let-down spot from Christmas. But a fresh year and full-blown winter storms are an excellent reprieve from monotony.

Weather: Obviously cold, but let’s focus on the positives here. Usually the snow is the best in January. The mountains have been hit multiple times but there hasn’t been any weird warm weeks yet to create ice. You’ve also acclimated to winter by now, but aren’t quite to the point where you hate it. You’ve got you winter wardrobe down to a science and don’t get nervous when the roads are slick. If you don’t like January it’s because you shoveled snow off your driveway for 40 years and have gotten soft and lazy, which is understandable. But young adults should relish the chance to brave the elements. 4 seasons is bad-ass, plus there’s no bugs! All this being said, it’s still cold and slushy.

Sports: NFL Playoffs are awesome, especially Wildcard weekend. Bowl games are awesome. You really don’t need much else.

Holidays: New Year’s Eve, post-college, is the #1 nighttime party of the year. Everybody’s out, feeling romantic, getting drunk. This is followed by New Year’s Day, which is probably the #1 holiday/sporting event combo of the year. This 2 day stretch, which is usually preceded by a week that’s basically vacation, is so awesome that it lands January in the 6th spot. Also MLK day is like 2 weeks after New Year’s, the Bloody Mary of holidays, making sure your holiday hangover isn’t too bad.

5. May

May is the ultimate foreplay month. The year is starting to get aroused for summer. May was usually the last month of school and this yearly tradition of excitement seems to carry over to adulthood. Also a great month for breaking up with your girlfriend, since there’s going to be so many babes to meet this summer.

Weather: An amazing crescendo. Early May is often hit-or-miss, but by the end of May you’ve got fully blooming flowers and t-shirt weather.

Holidays: Memorial Day Weekend is so great, not because of unique traditions, but because of where it falls on the calendar. April and May can often be very busy months at work or school and ending this stretch with Memorial Day is perfect. People always have so much vacation energy for this holiday, pulling out all the stops with maximum effort to experience the outdoors. By August you just want to sit in the A/C and drink beers, but in May, you want to hike 20 miles. Also Cinco de Mayo is kind of cool: casual but you can still get drunk on tequila. Sign me up!

Sports: May doesn’t have much apart from the PGA Championship. Usually by May you’re not as dependent on sports, since you can actually have fun outside, but there’s some still stuff to get excited for.

4. July

July is just a very solid month without many cons to speak of. Go ahead, try to shit on July. Unless you live in Phoenix, you just can’t.

Weather: All of your outdoor ideas are greenlit in July. It’s hot, but you still like it that way. You can golf until 10pm and wear a t-shirt all night outside. Usually the forest fires aren’t that bad yet, so you can still breathe.

Holidays: The 4th of July is my personal favorite party day of the year. NYE is great, but nothing beats day-drinking. July and coolers with ice-cold domestic beers, name a more iconic duo.

Sports: Golf, mostly. Everything else is on break because the athletes are also drinking Budweiser on the lake. Every 4 years, however, when the FIFA World Cup is on, July might be the best month of the year.

3. December

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas carries a lot of weight. I think this one would be a lot of people’s favorite, but those people also watch Hallmark movies.

Weather: Snow in December hits different. Mostly the weather is awful, honestly, and the ski resorts have no good snow to speak of. But when it snows in December 1st-24th it is HYPE.

Sports: Just NFL football, NBA starting up. You do get the beginning of CFB bowl season, so you can watch the weirdo bowls. NBA on Christmas Day is ok.

Holidays: The ultimate holiday. So powerful they named it “The Holidays.” I must admit, even a cynical person like myself loves Christmas and giving gifts. Seeing family and drinking at 9am. It’s a beautiful time full of board games and weird cocktails.

2. September

I don’t know how controversial this pick is, but to me it’s obvious. September has perfect weather, a great holiday and the beginning of NFL and college football. It’s also the beginning of the school year, which although was sad as a 5th grader, was always exciting in college.

Weather: #1 weather month, hands down. Not even close. June is nice, but it’s often too hot. May is ok, but it rains. September is warm in the day, cool at night and rarely rains. This is assuming, of course, the smoke has cleared. Based on the last few years, September’s weather stock might be headed down.

Sports: I know there’s no big block buster event in September, but the beginning of football season is better than the end. Much like the first round of March Madness is actually the best weekend, the beginning, when all is laid out in front of you with endless possibilities, is the most fun. Plus we can’t forget about the Fantasy Football season beginning as well with draft season.

Holidays: Labor Day is like a more laid-back Memorial Day, which actually improves it. Once the September hits, everybody has set aside their crazy ideas of what their summer would be and just wants to chill. Instead of kayaking, everybody wants to go boating, which I can get behind.

1. June

June is like the honeymoon phase of summer. You still want to make out with the summer on the kitchen counter and then spank summer when it’s leaving the room. There’s always great music festivals in June, too. June is so awesome that it doesn’t even have a holiday and it’s still number 1. I guess you can count Father’s Day?

Weather: Warm to hot, right when you want it that way.

Sports: US Open, Champions League Final, NBA Finals. Those are some great sporting events right there. Probably 3 of my top 4 favorite non-football sporting events. And don’t worry Canadians, I didn’t forget: the Stanley Cup! My cup runneth over with great sports to watch. June kicks ass.

I just started playing Halo Infinite with my buddy. We had been playing Call of Duty since Modern Warfare came out two years ago. We played that for about 1.5 years and then switched to COD Vanguard (skipped Cold War). We like Call of Duty a lot, as well as Halo. For our generation, Halo 3 and COD Modern Warfare 2 were the peak of our gaming lives. For the demographic male aged 25-30, these are the two most common titles to the superlative: “Game you have put the most hours into.”

My buddy and I play once a week, sometimes twice. We’re currently trying to decide between continuing with COD or switching to Halo full time. When you play this infrequently (and yes, unfortunately this is considered infrequent) you need to focus your time on one game, to maximize your skill. You don’t want to jump on the sticks and get your ass kicked all the time; you want to get decent at the game. So I’ve been contrasting these two games and their progression systems. Halo Infinite, at the time of this post, has one of the most rudimentary progression systems I’ve seen in the last 10 years of gaming. It’s honestly pathetic. There’s one form of XP, the XP unlocks barely anything, and you earn said XP slow as molasses. There is an option for a “battle pass,” but this basically just adds another minimal item unlock upon completion of every level. COD, on the other hand, has a progression system for your overall level, each gun, each sight reticle, each operator, different camo sets for different game modes, etc. The progression system in COD is so complicated that you spend more time determining what you have unlocked and planning your next series of tasks then actually playing the game.

What I’ve realized is: this is by design. Much like many modern web platforms/games, COD has honed in on the human dopamine system through trial and error. COD has had so many iterations as a franchise that they are starting to figure out what is addictive, not fun. Much like Facebook and mobile games, Call of Duty is scratching the itch of repetition. It’s a routine. And I’m not trying to say this is immoral or unethical. It’s natural. This is what humans crave and they are just matching their game to what the data suggests. The problem is this: I spent 1.5 years worth of weekly sessions trying to unlock Damascus camo in COD Modern Warfare. Why? Because it was the cheese at the end of the maze. And I had a good time, grinding away. But what do I have to show for it? A stupid cosmetic on my guns in a game that nobody outside of a select few in my life give two shits about. Not to mention, every introvert, sweaty gamer had this cosmetic three weeks after the game came out two years ago, because they play 12 hours a day.

So why do I say I had a “good time” grinding for this pointless achievement? It’s because of the moments. The crazy, funny, lucky moments where I screamed into my headset. Or my buddy’s moments, that he yelled about. Or the cooperative moments, where our minds linked in a key situation and we achieved a victory through communication. And this folks, is why I’m switching back to Halo. Halo doesn’t do grinding. When you play Halo, the only achievement is winning, tactics and teamwork. And these priorities leave you with more moments. There’s no reason to optimize your progression and detract from the most important aspects of gaming when there is no progression to speak of.

I’m sure Halo will add more content as the game matures and create a more complex progression system. They will do this because it makes them more money (people pay to progress faster in these games, if you didn’t already know). But I just want to be on the record now to say: I hope they don’t. I hope the progression stays shitty, just like it was back in 2007.

Life update: I’m moved into my new house. It’s bigger, it’s better and it’s unrated, baby. I wish I could just stay home for a week straight organizing everything, decorating and optimizing. I’m on a cul-de-sac, which is just peak domestication. I need a white picket fence and a bigger dog!

The topic today popped into my mind much like most of my perseverations do, while I was driving. I was chatting to my best friend who is only a week from having his first child. I was asking my friend to keep me updated on the progress of the birth and made a crack about not needing to see any pictures of the birth. This reminded me of an old argument I’d had with my mom half a dozen times. The argument was centered around the appropriateness of naked baby photos and related documented adolescent nudity. Related is birth videos.

In the late 80s and early 90s, technology was digitizing and becoming small enough for the average consumer to take photos and videos anywhere and everywhere. This was too much for Gen X to handle. They didn’t realize the risk they were taking when capturing something permanently. Millennials, who grew up with video cameras in our pockets, know full well the power of video; they can send somebody to prison, they can ruin reputations, they can be used to victimize. But our poor parents, with their Sony camcorders with that stupid little viewing telescope thing, assumed the future meant videoing every waking moment. They imagined they’d grow old and have a pretty scrapbook of all their wonderful life experiences, without ever considering if their naked 4 year old child in the bathtub would approve of their image being permanently rendered.

There are many reasons that I, when the time comes, will not do this. I will also note that I have felt this way for many years and have not changed my mind in the slightest. The first reason is the obvious: it’s embarrassing for the future child. Why the compulsion to pull out the naked toddler photos for your son’s new girlfriend to look at? I hypothesize that our parents thought they were bringing this person into the fold, the trust circle. They were offering them a personal piece of family history as an olive branch. But what I assume a large portion of these new romantic interests were thinking was: why would you take a photo of this, you weirdo? The second reason is the true dangers of creating this media. What if you were robbed and your old photo album full of child nudies was stolen? What if you were indicted on insider trading and the FBI found videos of children bathing? The only real reason to record something is to share it and there’s very few people who would appreciate this stuff the way you do. Honestly the list is probably: your parents, your sister, end of list. The last reason is some of this stuff is just gross. I refer specifically to birth videos here. Remember in like every movie from 1992-2005 when the father of the newborn would video his wife in labor? What in the hell would you do that for? Who wants to see this footage, except extreme fetishists? It’s only beautiful to you and it loses that beauty considerably if you experience it through a camera. So strange, truly boggles my mind. If I hadn’t already seen this portrayed so many times in media, and heard about it happing in real life, I would honestly never consider filming my wife get split in two by my afterbirth covered child. Hey guys, want to watch my wife in her most vulnerable state involuntarily shit all over an operating table? I’ll order pizza, we’ll make a night of it.

My mom gets very upset when I argue this, and understandably so. Deep down she knows I’m right and doesn’t want to admit how irresponsible this behavior was. It’s ok mom, I know you had good intentions. But this generation will continue to frame all the kids in the bathtub and hang it in their hallway. They will never concede.

We got an offer on our house accepted this Saturday. It happened so quickly. One day we see it on Zillow, then we go see it, then we put an offer in. Totally change our entire plan in a span of 2 days. But I am very excited and relieved. Although it isn’t cheap, I don’t feel like it was an overpay and we were able to get it with a financed offer which was virtually impossible in Boise this year (hopefully not a sign of a market dip). It also provides much less unknowns than our current residence, which needs its lot split and also needs an addition to be a good home for us long term.

The house was built in 1975 and has a Mansard roof. Also known as a French roof, these were used in France to skirt taxes. Houses were taxed by how many stories they had and the Mansard roof allowed the topmost floors (sometimes even 3 or 4) to be considered part of the roof/attic space. I also think this feature is one of the main reasons we didn’t have to overpay for this house. The same house in the same area without a mansard roof gets sold day 3 for 30-50k over asking. I love ugly.

Jon Gruden has been cancelled, which I find humorous. But I’m not here to rant about the reasons why Gruden should or shouldn’t be cancelled. I’m here to rant about something I’ve noticed in sports particularly, but also in society in general. This phenomenon is the dissolving of the distinction between public and private life, combined with a growing market for narratives.

I was reminded of this idea reading through the comments about Gruden. Again, I’m not going to talk about the takes these commenters had, that would kind of defeat the purpose of my actual thesis here. I just noticed how excited everybody was about this news. Excited to make jokes, to defame, to ridicule, to judge, to participate in this story. This story overshadowed the MNF game and will probably overshadow the Raiders’ entire season, along with the Jags’ season (Urban Meyer was the last “thing” everybody wanted to talk about).

And this type of thing has really annoyed me for a while now, but I’ve never had this blog to bitch about it on. It’s exactly the same phenomenon that causes reality TV and social media to be so popular. It’s people caring more about personalities than games, players than teams, stories than achievement, stats than greatness. It’s reducing these art forms (sports, television, politics) to entertainment. And I know how it happened and I know why it happened: free-market enterprise. The media has done an amazing job creating a product and a market for that product. I would say that sports currently are more popular than ever, but that’s not because more people like sports than ever. People have just been sold on the idea that the sport isn’t as important as the gossip.

Personally, I think sports are more than just entertainment. I love the game and what teams, players and coaches can do within the framework of the game to advance it. Innovation is what I like. Game designs so great that the same ruleset can create a lasting battlefield for us to enjoy. I love the concept of a team. Loyalty and comradery. I don’t give a fuck what some NBA 6th man thinks about the vaccine, or what some conditioning coach said in a private email. This is a goddamn sideshow! Go watch Real Housewives of who gives a fuck. Also, fuck super teams.

This phenomenon is related to a general dismissal of discipline. The concept of trying not to do things that are shallow, distasteful, petty, easy, sinful. There’s a reason that the term “gossip” has a negative connotation. We all know, deep down, that talking shit about people is easy to do and serves no purpose but to make ourselves feel good temporarily. It’s not different than watching porn or posting some self-glamourizing swimsuit pic on Instagram. There seems to be a movement to normalize these things in order to justify our addiction to gratification. And anybody who opposed this is attacked.

A nifty maneuver that people that subscribe to this lifestyle use is to point out hypocrisy. If I am criticized for participating in these shallow activities without any attempt for discretion, I can simply find examples of my criticizer participating in said activities and call them a hypocrite. I win! The problem I have with this logic is: everybody does these things. Everybody partakes in vices, even monks. The difference is the monks are at least trying to identify and remediate these worldly misconducts and minimize them. And the reason why is because these things are meaningless and bad for your mental health and soul. Complete abstinence from misdeeds is not what I want. I just want our culture to make a true attempt to not accept misdeeds as normal or convince themselves they are good.

But I feel it’s too late. I am the minority and I have no philosophical foothold moving forward. These industries have identified people’s vanity and their wicked desires and selling to them is all too easy.

Found out we might have to knock down the house I thought would be my first house. I need to stop getting my hopes up.

A man addicted to ideas need be intervened with starvation. A man addicted to truths need be fed.

I am reading Matthew McConaughey’s book “Green Lights” and this little witticisms struck me. He has a lot of little pieces of wisdom, some I found profound, some meandering.

I feel like when I have too many choices things never end up exactly how I want them. I am addicted to ideas. In my career, in my search for a home, in my plan for adult life. I think I need “starvation”. Limited options, boundaries for what I want to do in life. I find the most satisfying projects sometimes are those which you have little to work with. I don’t know how to self impose these boundaries though.

If I could choose anything to do for the rest of my life and anywhere to live, I’m certain that no matter what I chose, eventually I’d wish I’d chose something else.