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It appears to me that all of one’s belongings lie on a spectrum with regard to their importance. “Importance” being the best term I can think of for this instance. As objects continue along this spectrum, they take more primacy in one’s life and become more and more a representation of their owner. There is also more pride taken in these objects by their owner as they grow in “importance,” and this pride is socially seen as good. The highest order object for most people along this spectrum is their home, while the least is something highly temporary and discardable.

What I’ve been thinking about is where the line is, in a moral sense regarding how we should view, act and feel about these objects. As objects are promoted along our individual importance hierarchies, we begin to see decisions made around these objects become more a reflection of one’s own taste and values. Take a home, or car, for example. The look, cleanliness, condition and quality of these objects occupies an enormous amount of mental space for their owner’s. There is social judgement regarding these objects and what they say about their owner. An object in the middle of the spectrum, say a bag, for example, has very little meaning attached to it. If you had a tattered, dirty bag, no reasonable person would assume you live a shabby lifestyle. But a dirty, mechanically unsound car? Different story.

My realization is that all of these objects are just that, objects. They are things. I think it’s reasonable to assume that materialism is morally wrong, on its face. But then, didn’t your grandpa always want you to take good care of your things? What aspects of pride in one’s possessions constitutes thrift, responsibility, nurturing, etc, and what aspects are simply shallow pride? If one was highly prideful of their toaster and valued it above other things deemed valuable in their life, would they not be laughed at? Yet this same proposition is not only accepted for an object like one’s car, but it is encouraged. Somebody that doesn’t value their car is a loser, somebody that does value their toaster is a loser. Where is this line, the distinction? Where along the importance spectrum does an object become socially acceptable to obsess over?

Maybe no objects should be in this category. Maybe we should all remember that even our home, that we pamper and insure and spend hours fantasizing about how to improve, is just a thing. And pride in that thing is somewhat pathetic.

Obviously this list is biased. My perspective is unique to a 29 year-old male living in Boise, ID. My criteria is mostly centered around weather, sporting events and holidays. Another implicit, more subtle factor is the school year. I think we all have our yearly circadian rhythm synchronized with the American school year, even as adults. It’s embedded into us from Kindergarten.

I will also admit that I don’t share the hatred of cold weather that most people seem to have. I think 100+ degree days are worse than 45 degree days. If you think all the cold months should be at the bottom of the list then you’re a lizard and you shouldn’t read my rankings.

This is my official Buzzfeed job application. Let’s get it started.

12. August

Boy, does this month suck. The only memories of enjoying this month are preconceived notions left over from grade school. August used to be the Sunday of the summer, often filled with relaxation and preparation. It was a little depressing but also a little exciting. Now, as an adult living in a heavily forested state, August is awful. It’s nothing but oppressive heat and poisonous smoke. That new tan is gone and all that remains is a sweaty taint.

Weather: So hot, so smoky. Water activities are still on the table and August is a good month for relaxed work schedules, which makes family gatherings common. There is opportunity for outdoor fun in August, it’s just a shame is has to be in such an otherwise terrible month.

Sports: The call it the dog days for a reason. Nobody cares about baseball at this point. Football is starting preseason, which is also worthless except for the diehards. No basketball. Soccer is starting up, which is nice, but not enough for us red-blooded Americans to get hyped. Sometimes you get the summer Olympics, which can alleviate the television situation slightly, but it gets old fast. I think there’s normally some season-ending golf events in August but Covid fucked up the schedule the past 2 years and they were in October.

11. April

April really doesn’t have much going for it. During school I would also get very restless in April. You begin to feel the summer coming, but it’s still out of reach. April is famously rainy, which isn’t inspiring after 4 months of cold. April is even known in the northern states to give a surprise snowstorm occasionally, which is never welcomed. Also taxes.

Weather: Weather is shit. You might get a couple of days that occur only to get your hopes up. You’re so fed up with wet and cold at this point in the year that outdoor activities are just irritating. It seems like April can be really windy, too.

Sports: Crickets (not the sport, the noise). College Basketball just finished, football long gone. Baseball starts up, but the beginning of the season in baseball is meaningless; page me after the All-Star break. NBA and European Soccer are getting close to postseason, but not quite there. The one saving grace: The Masters. This is the only reason April isn’t in last.

Holidays: Earth Day? Easter, most years? Easter is by far the lamest of the Jesus-themed holidays. No offense to Catholics, but nobody observes Lent anymore. All Easter gets you is a nice meal and maybe some chocolate. The only hype holiday in April is 4/20, but that stops being as fun when you’re an adult and can’t go to work baked AF.

10. February

February gets the benefit for being the shortest month, so it’s awful weather and relatively lackluster lineup of events is minimized to only 28 days. February can be good for skiing and has arguably the best sporting event of the year, but the weather is not good. Cold gets old fast for most people, and this is the home stretch of winter.

Weather: Terrible. Snow in February just doesn’t have that pop like Pre-Christmas snow has. Even January snow seems more exciting for snowboarding or skiing. By February you’ve already spent a month’s salary on over-priced lift tickets and you just want the snow to go away.

Sports: Super Bowl. That’s it. With the new longer NFL season, February might be able to claim a little more can’t-miss action, but historically it’s the Supey, then 3 weeks of nada. NBA, CBB and Soccer are on, but nothing really impactful.

Holidays: Valentine’s Day might be the worst “major” holiday. I like going on dates but it feels much more like a chore than a holiday. There aren’t many other holidays I can “fuck up.” Not trying to complain, but when put under scrutiny this holiday is crap. President’s Day, however, is kind of slept on. I feel like there’s always an awesome ski trip on President’s Day, since it’s always Monday. Great deals on cars and appliances too.

9. November

All you Thanksgiving Stans can kick rocks. Thanksgiving is great, kicks off the holiday season, football, turkey, etc. But the problem with November is the goddamn Christmas preparation. Decorations, music, and worst of all, gifts. The lead up to Christmas is great once the plan is under control, but in November, uncertainty creeps in. That realization that you have to plan travel and gifts is like getting back from vacation to a mountain of work on your desk.

Weather: The crisp, beautiful Autumnal color palette has turned grey and you realize all your wool socks have holes in them. No skiing yet, but still a few nice days to wake up to.

Sports: Football is in full swing, Basketball barely starting. Baseball over. It feels like a good sports month because of Thanksgiving Day football, but it really isn’t.

Holidays: I think people forget the 3 other weeks of November because it’s so defined by Thanksgiving. It’s too dependent on it. Thanksgiving is a top-3 holiday, though. Two days off + football + food.

8. March

As hard as November is carried by Thanksgiving, March is carried even harder by the greatest sports week of the year, March Madness Rounds 1 and 2. Not to mention, this week coincides with Spring Break. The weather is total ass, but for some reason, still better than April. I think right after the winter, 55 degrees in March feels amazing. But by April it’s been 55 and overcast every day for a month and you just want actual sun.

Weather: Terrible, but brings hope

Sports: Nothing but March Madness is really on, which makes it even better. No sporting event keeps America’s focus for as long as the Big Dance. Receptionists, babies, homeless people all having nothing better to do than fill out brackets and talk about their picks. And the tournament’s pacing is *chef’s kiss* perfection. Those two weeks with games Thursday through Sunday are the greatest distraction ever. It’s like back-to-back 4 day weekends.

Holidays: St. Patrick’s Day is really only for college students. It’s 4/20 for drinking.

7. October

October is November’s younger and hotter sister with better weather and the World Series. October has short-comings, however, namely the dull, holiday-free stretch of days until the very last day of the month. October also has that impending dread of winter approaching.

Weather: Early October is as good as it gets: crisp mornings, comfortable days, cool nights, limited rain. The problem is about halfway through the month you realize you can’t feel your hands when playing twilight golf. Then you go to a night-game tailgate a week later and realize your hoodie wasn’t even close to enough clothes. Then you try to remember where you put your gloves because you haven’t seen them since February.

Sports: Full football slate. World Series. Solid one-two punch.

Holidays: Halloween is a tricky one. As a child, it’s amazing. As a teenager, it’s kind of lame unless you’re a vandalizing delinquent. As a college student, it’s the best day of the year. As a 20-something, it’s entirely dependent on if one of your friends throws a good house party. Covid has really wrecked house parties, so Halloween has been pretty lame recently. At 29, it’s in the St. Patrick’s Day tier as a holiday but I imagine when you have kids, it moves up to the Valentine’s/Easter tier.

6. January

Now we’re starting to get into the good months. January is pretty underrated, often considered a let-down spot from Christmas. But a fresh year and full-blown winter storms are an excellent reprieve from monotony.

Weather: Obviously cold, but let’s focus on the positives here. Usually the snow is the best in January. The mountains have been hit multiple times but there hasn’t been any weird warm weeks yet to create ice. You’ve also acclimated to winter by now, but aren’t quite to the point where you hate it. You’ve got you winter wardrobe down to a science and don’t get nervous when the roads are slick. If you don’t like January it’s because you shoveled snow off your driveway for 40 years and have gotten soft and lazy, which is understandable. But young adults should relish the chance to brave the elements. 4 seasons is bad-ass, plus there’s no bugs! All this being said, it’s still cold and slushy.

Sports: NFL Playoffs are awesome, especially Wildcard weekend. Bowl games are awesome. You really don’t need much else.

Holidays: New Year’s Eve, post-college, is the #1 nighttime party of the year. Everybody’s out, feeling romantic, getting drunk. This is followed by New Year’s Day, which is probably the #1 holiday/sporting event combo of the year. This 2 day stretch, which is usually preceded by a week that’s basically vacation, is so awesome that it lands January in the 6th spot. Also MLK day is like 2 weeks after New Year’s, the Bloody Mary of holidays, making sure your holiday hangover isn’t too bad.

5. May

May is the ultimate foreplay month. The year is starting to get aroused for summer. May was usually the last month of school and this yearly tradition of excitement seems to carry over to adulthood. Also a great month for breaking up with your girlfriend, since there’s going to be so many babes to meet this summer.

Weather: An amazing crescendo. Early May is often hit-or-miss, but by the end of May you’ve got fully blooming flowers and t-shirt weather.

Holidays: Memorial Day Weekend is so great, not because of unique traditions, but because of where it falls on the calendar. April and May can often be very busy months at work or school and ending this stretch with Memorial Day is perfect. People always have so much vacation energy for this holiday, pulling out all the stops with maximum effort to experience the outdoors. By August you just want to sit in the A/C and drink beers, but in May, you want to hike 20 miles. Also Cinco de Mayo is kind of cool: casual but you can still get drunk on tequila. Sign me up!

Sports: May doesn’t have much apart from the PGA Championship. Usually by May you’re not as dependent on sports, since you can actually have fun outside, but there’s some still stuff to get excited for.

4. July

July is just a very solid month without many cons to speak of. Go ahead, try to shit on July. Unless you live in Phoenix, you just can’t.

Weather: All of your outdoor ideas are greenlit in July. It’s hot, but you still like it that way. You can golf until 10pm and wear a t-shirt all night outside. Usually the forest fires aren’t that bad yet, so you can still breathe.

Holidays: The 4th of July is my personal favorite party day of the year. NYE is great, but nothing beats day-drinking. July and coolers with ice-cold domestic beers, name a more iconic duo.

Sports: Golf, mostly. Everything else is on break because the athletes are also drinking Budweiser on the lake. Every 4 years, however, when the FIFA World Cup is on, July might be the best month of the year.

3. December

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas carries a lot of weight. I think this one would be a lot of people’s favorite, but those people also watch Hallmark movies.

Weather: Snow in December hits different. Mostly the weather is awful, honestly, and the ski resorts have no good snow to speak of. But when it snows in December 1st-24th it is HYPE.

Sports: Just NFL football, NBA starting up. You do get the beginning of CFB bowl season, so you can watch the weirdo bowls. NBA on Christmas Day is ok.

Holidays: The ultimate holiday. So powerful they named it “The Holidays.” I must admit, even a cynical person like myself loves Christmas and giving gifts. Seeing family and drinking at 9am. It’s a beautiful time full of board games and weird cocktails.

2. September

I don’t know how controversial this pick is, but to me it’s obvious. September has perfect weather, a great holiday and the beginning of NFL and college football. It’s also the beginning of the school year, which although was sad as a 5th grader, was always exciting in college.

Weather: #1 weather month, hands down. Not even close. June is nice, but it’s often too hot. May is ok, but it rains. September is warm in the day, cool at night and rarely rains. This is assuming, of course, the smoke has cleared. Based on the last few years, September’s weather stock might be headed down.

Sports: I know there’s no big block buster event in September, but the beginning of football season is better than the end. Much like the first round of March Madness is actually the best weekend, the beginning, when all is laid out in front of you with endless possibilities, is the most fun. Plus we can’t forget about the Fantasy Football season beginning as well with draft season.

Holidays: Labor Day is like a more laid-back Memorial Day, which actually improves it. Once the September hits, everybody has set aside their crazy ideas of what their summer would be and just wants to chill. Instead of kayaking, everybody wants to go boating, which I can get behind.

1. June

June is like the honeymoon phase of summer. You still want to make out with the summer on the kitchen counter and then spank summer when it’s leaving the room. There’s always great music festivals in June, too. June is so awesome that it doesn’t even have a holiday and it’s still number 1. I guess you can count Father’s Day?

Weather: Warm to hot, right when you want it that way.

Sports: US Open, Champions League Final, NBA Finals. Those are some great sporting events right there. Probably 3 of my top 4 favorite non-football sporting events. And don’t worry Canadians, I didn’t forget: the Stanley Cup! My cup runneth over with great sports to watch. June kicks ass.

I just started playing Halo Infinite with my buddy. We had been playing Call of Duty since Modern Warfare came out two years ago. We played that for about 1.5 years and then switched to COD Vanguard (skipped Cold War). We like Call of Duty a lot, as well as Halo. For our generation, Halo 3 and COD Modern Warfare 2 were the peak of our gaming lives. For the demographic male aged 25-30, these are the two most common titles to the superlative: “Game you have put the most hours into.”

My buddy and I play once a week, sometimes twice. We’re currently trying to decide between continuing with COD or switching to Halo full time. When you play this infrequently (and yes, unfortunately this is considered infrequent) you need to focus your time on one game, to maximize your skill. You don’t want to jump on the sticks and get your ass kicked all the time; you want to get decent at the game. So I’ve been contrasting these two games and their progression systems. Halo Infinite, at the time of this post, has one of the most rudimentary progression systems I’ve seen in the last 10 years of gaming. It’s honestly pathetic. There’s one form of XP, the XP unlocks barely anything, and you earn said XP slow as molasses. There is an option for a “battle pass,” but this basically just adds another minimal item unlock upon completion of every level. COD, on the other hand, has a progression system for your overall level, each gun, each sight reticle, each operator, different camo sets for different game modes, etc. The progression system in COD is so complicated that you spend more time determining what you have unlocked and planning your next series of tasks then actually playing the game.

What I’ve realized is: this is by design. Much like many modern web platforms/games, COD has honed in on the human dopamine system through trial and error. COD has had so many iterations as a franchise that they are starting to figure out what is addictive, not fun. Much like Facebook and mobile games, Call of Duty is scratching the itch of repetition. It’s a routine. And I’m not trying to say this is immoral or unethical. It’s natural. This is what humans crave and they are just matching their game to what the data suggests. The problem is this: I spent 1.5 years worth of weekly sessions trying to unlock Damascus camo in COD Modern Warfare. Why? Because it was the cheese at the end of the maze. And I had a good time, grinding away. But what do I have to show for it? A stupid cosmetic on my guns in a game that nobody outside of a select few in my life give two shits about. Not to mention, every introvert, sweaty gamer had this cosmetic three weeks after the game came out two years ago, because they play 12 hours a day.

So why do I say I had a “good time” grinding for this pointless achievement? It’s because of the moments. The crazy, funny, lucky moments where I screamed into my headset. Or my buddy’s moments, that he yelled about. Or the cooperative moments, where our minds linked in a key situation and we achieved a victory through communication. And this folks, is why I’m switching back to Halo. Halo doesn’t do grinding. When you play Halo, the only achievement is winning, tactics and teamwork. And these priorities leave you with more moments. There’s no reason to optimize your progression and detract from the most important aspects of gaming when there is no progression to speak of.

I’m sure Halo will add more content as the game matures and create a more complex progression system. They will do this because it makes them more money (people pay to progress faster in these games, if you didn’t already know). But I just want to be on the record now to say: I hope they don’t. I hope the progression stays shitty, just like it was back in 2007.

Life update: I’m moved into my new house. It’s bigger, it’s better and it’s unrated, baby. I wish I could just stay home for a week straight organizing everything, decorating and optimizing. I’m on a cul-de-sac, which is just peak domestication. I need a white picket fence and a bigger dog!

The topic today popped into my mind much like most of my perseverations do, while I was driving. I was chatting to my best friend who is only a week from having his first child. I was asking my friend to keep me updated on the progress of the birth and made a crack about not needing to see any pictures of the birth. This reminded me of an old argument I’d had with my mom half a dozen times. The argument was centered around the appropriateness of naked baby photos and related documented adolescent nudity. Related is birth videos.

In the late 80s and early 90s, technology was digitizing and becoming small enough for the average consumer to take photos and videos anywhere and everywhere. This was too much for Gen X to handle. They didn’t realize the risk they were taking when capturing something permanently. Millennials, who grew up with video cameras in our pockets, know full well the power of video; they can send somebody to prison, they can ruin reputations, they can be used to victimize. But our poor parents, with their Sony camcorders with that stupid little viewing telescope thing, assumed the future meant videoing every waking moment. They imagined they’d grow old and have a pretty scrapbook of all their wonderful life experiences, without ever considering if their naked 4 year old child in the bathtub would approve of their image being permanently rendered.

There are many reasons that I, when the time comes, will not do this. I will also note that I have felt this way for many years and have not changed my mind in the slightest. The first reason is the obvious: it’s embarrassing for the future child. Why the compulsion to pull out the naked toddler photos for your son’s new girlfriend to look at? I hypothesize that our parents thought they were bringing this person into the fold, the trust circle. They were offering them a personal piece of family history as an olive branch. But what I assume a large portion of these new romantic interests were thinking was: why would you take a photo of this, you weirdo? The second reason is the true dangers of creating this media. What if you were robbed and your old photo album full of child nudies was stolen? What if you were indicted on insider trading and the FBI found videos of children bathing? The only real reason to record something is to share it and there’s very few people who would appreciate this stuff the way you do. Honestly the list is probably: your parents, your sister, end of list. The last reason is some of this stuff is just gross. I refer specifically to birth videos here. Remember in like every movie from 1992-2005 when the father of the newborn would video his wife in labor? What in the hell would you do that for? Who wants to see this footage, except extreme fetishists? It’s only beautiful to you and it loses that beauty considerably if you experience it through a camera. So strange, truly boggles my mind. If I hadn’t already seen this portrayed so many times in media, and heard about it happing in real life, I would honestly never consider filming my wife get split in two by my afterbirth covered child. Hey guys, want to watch my wife in her most vulnerable state involuntarily shit all over an operating table? I’ll order pizza, we’ll make a night of it.

My mom gets very upset when I argue this, and understandably so. Deep down she knows I’m right and doesn’t want to admit how irresponsible this behavior was. It’s ok mom, I know you had good intentions. But this generation will continue to frame all the kids in the bathtub and hang it in their hallway. They will never concede.

We got an offer on our house accepted this Saturday. It happened so quickly. One day we see it on Zillow, then we go see it, then we put an offer in. Totally change our entire plan in a span of 2 days. But I am very excited and relieved. Although it isn’t cheap, I don’t feel like it was an overpay and we were able to get it with a financed offer which was virtually impossible in Boise this year (hopefully not a sign of a market dip). It also provides much less unknowns than our current residence, which needs its lot split and also needs an addition to be a good home for us long term.

The house was built in 1975 and has a Mansard roof. Also known as a French roof, these were used in France to skirt taxes. Houses were taxed by how many stories they had and the Mansard roof allowed the topmost floors (sometimes even 3 or 4) to be considered part of the roof/attic space. I also think this feature is one of the main reasons we didn’t have to overpay for this house. The same house in the same area without a mansard roof gets sold day 3 for 30-50k over asking. I love ugly.

Jon Gruden has been cancelled, which I find humorous. But I’m not here to rant about the reasons why Gruden should or shouldn’t be cancelled. I’m here to rant about something I’ve noticed in sports particularly, but also in society in general. This phenomenon is the dissolving of the distinction between public and private life, combined with a growing market for narratives.

I was reminded of this idea reading through the comments about Gruden. Again, I’m not going to talk about the takes these commenters had, that would kind of defeat the purpose of my actual thesis here. I just noticed how excited everybody was about this news. Excited to make jokes, to defame, to ridicule, to judge, to participate in this story. This story overshadowed the MNF game and will probably overshadow the Raiders’ entire season, along with the Jags’ season (Urban Meyer was the last “thing” everybody wanted to talk about).

And this type of thing has really annoyed me for a while now, but I’ve never had this blog to bitch about it on. It’s exactly the same phenomenon that causes reality TV and social media to be so popular. It’s people caring more about personalities than games, players than teams, stories than achievement, stats than greatness. It’s reducing these art forms (sports, television, politics) to entertainment. And I know how it happened and I know why it happened: free-market enterprise. The media has done an amazing job creating a product and a market for that product. I would say that sports currently are more popular than ever, but that’s not because more people like sports than ever. People have just been sold on the idea that the sport isn’t as important as the gossip.

Personally, I think sports are more than just entertainment. I love the game and what teams, players and coaches can do within the framework of the game to advance it. Innovation is what I like. Game designs so great that the same ruleset can create a lasting battlefield for us to enjoy. I love the concept of a team. Loyalty and comradery. I don’t give a fuck what some NBA 6th man thinks about the vaccine, or what some conditioning coach said in a private email. This is a goddamn sideshow! Go watch Real Housewives of who gives a fuck. Also, fuck super teams.

This phenomenon is related to a general dismissal of discipline. The concept of trying not to do things that are shallow, distasteful, petty, easy, sinful. There’s a reason that the term “gossip” has a negative connotation. We all know, deep down, that talking shit about people is easy to do and serves no purpose but to make ourselves feel good temporarily. It’s not different than watching porn or posting some self-glamourizing swimsuit pic on Instagram. There seems to be a movement to normalize these things in order to justify our addiction to gratification. And anybody who opposed this is attacked.

A nifty maneuver that people that subscribe to this lifestyle use is to point out hypocrisy. If I am criticized for participating in these shallow activities without any attempt for discretion, I can simply find examples of my criticizer participating in said activities and call them a hypocrite. I win! The problem I have with this logic is: everybody does these things. Everybody partakes in vices, even monks. The difference is the monks are at least trying to identify and remediate these worldly misconducts and minimize them. And the reason why is because these things are meaningless and bad for your mental health and soul. Complete abstinence from misdeeds is not what I want. I just want our culture to make a true attempt to not accept misdeeds as normal or convince themselves they are good.

But I feel it’s too late. I am the minority and I have no philosophical foothold moving forward. These industries have identified people’s vanity and their wicked desires and selling to them is all too easy.

Found out we might have to knock down the house I thought would be my first house. I need to stop getting my hopes up.

A man addicted to ideas need be intervened with starvation. A man addicted to truths need be fed.

I am reading Matthew McConaughey’s book “Green Lights” and this little witticisms struck me. He has a lot of little pieces of wisdom, some I found profound, some meandering.

I feel like when I have too many choices things never end up exactly how I want them. I am addicted to ideas. In my career, in my search for a home, in my plan for adult life. I think I need “starvation”. Limited options, boundaries for what I want to do in life. I find the most satisfying projects sometimes are those which you have little to work with. I don’t know how to self impose these boundaries though.

If I could choose anything to do for the rest of my life and anywhere to live, I’m certain that no matter what I chose, eventually I’d wish I’d chose something else.

Taylor and I have started planning a weekly meal that involves recreating a fast food or quick-service meal at home. Sometimes we try to match it exactly, but most of the time we try to improve it with higher quality ingredients. I’m going to post them and rate them as we go. But so far we’ve done:

Meal: Bacon Breakfast Crunchwrap Supreme

Restaurant of Origin: Taco Bell

Ingredients: Big Ass Tortilla, Frozen McDonald’s Style Hashbrowns (Trader Joe’s), Bacon, Eggs, Ranch, Mexi cheese, La Victoria Verde Sauce, Panini Press

Directions: Get 2 pieces of paper towel sopping wet. and put your big ass tortilla in between them. Microwave the towels and tortilla for around 20 seconds. This will make it moist and stretchy. Scramble the eggs and cook the bacon however you like. Fry the hashbrown in a pan along with your bacon grease. To assemble, place the eggs in the center of your stretchy tortilla, cover in ranch+verde sauce, then hashbrown, then bacon, then cover in cheese (this will help plug any hole you might leave). Make sure you have plenty of tortilla outside of your ingredient pile to work with for folding. Fold the tortilla over the ingredients in a circular fan fashion, with six triangular folds.

Throw that sumbitch on the panini press. Dip in hot sauce.

Rating: 11/10 I wish I could have one every morning, but too much work.

Meal: Roast Beef N’ Cheddar

Restaurant: Arby’s

Ingredients: Roast Beef (whatever), Au Jus, Brioche Buns, Velveeta, Cheddar, Milk, Onion Powder, Brown Sugar, Ketchup, Garlic Salt, Apple Cider Vinegar

Put the beef in a pan soaking in Au Jus in the oven. Mix Velveeta, shredded cheddar, some milk and onion powder to make cheese sauce. Mix ketchup, brown sugar, garlic salt and vinegar to make Arby’s sauce. Mix some horseradish and mayo if you want horsey. Slap that shit on the bun.

Rating: 8.5/10 Actually really tasty, kicks the shit out of another pulled-pork sandwich.

Meal: Crisp Meat Burrito

Restaurant: Taco Time

Ingredients: Burrito Size Flour Tortilla, Spray Oil (Canola or Olive), Refried Beans, Carne Asada, Oaxaca Cheese

Grill and cut up carne into very small pieces. Put the beans, meat piece and cut up cheese into the tortilla and roll it all up, nice and tight. Spray the entire taquito with oil and put it in the air fryer for 6-10 minutes. Dip in hot sauce.

Rating: 13/10 This might be the best drunk food ever for it’s taste/work ratio.

Does anybody else feel like every time you buy something on Facebook Marketplace (which has essentially replaced craigslist at this point, RIP craig) the sellers stand around their object, hoping nervously that you don’t realize that it’s actually a piece of shit? I’m not trying to toot my own “I’m such a good person” horn over here, but when I sell stuff I clean it, fix it up and explain it thoroughly and honestly. The amount of times I’ve shown up to some persons garage to find out what I’m buying is dirty with all their cat’s hair is too damn high. And by the time I’ve messaged the person for 2 days straight and drove 15 miles out of my way to pick the stupid thing up, I’m not going to throw a hissy fit about how it’s common courtesy to clean things before you sell them. I just grumble to myself and buy the thing and clean it myself. We need rating systems for FB marketplace. Zuckerberg, hurry up and add that shit.

Next two gripes are Covid related. I know we all are just dying to hear more about Covid, so lets start off by complaining about restaurants. What the fuck is going on with restaurants? They are never open, they all have 2 hours long waits perpetually and all the perks of quality service have been removed in the name (or excuse, rather) of Covid. Is it really because they can’t find people? Because I see new restaurants opening locally and hear about them opening online. Are they just opening with no people to actually operate the restaurant? The industry seems to have a lot of demand, but the product is getting worse and worse. This, coupled with the inevitable price hike due to inflation and higher wage demands, has made me officially no longer enjoy going to restaurants. I’m tired of it. It’s expensive and not fun or convenient. Also, it’s not a hobby! It seems when you get above the age of 27, all anybody wants to do is go out to restaurants, especially girls and urban guys making way too much money but paying 4000$/month in rent. Bring back house parties, bring back game night. Bring back barbeques, bring back fondue. I’m going on a strict 2 restaurant meals per month max quota for the rest of my life. Even on vacation, I’ll eat fucking McDonalds.

Next, my poor pregnant sister-in-law just got out of the hospital from Covid Delta. Her husband couldn’t see her for like a month. She couldn’t see her 2 year-old for a month. My other sister-in-law’s boyfriend just got in a car wreck. He had vertebrae-fusing back surgery and he’s only allowed to see one person PER WEEK while he recovers in the hospital. This guy’s injury isn’t even Covid-related, not to mention nobody could see him when his injury status was unknown (ie: he could have been paralyzed or worse). Why is this acceptable? There’s people dying alone, unable to see their family in the name of Covid prevention.

A. Covid isn’t that bad. I understand the dangers of Covid. It’s pretty bad on a society-wide basis. But creating situations like this are beyond fucked up. Do you think there’s a person alive that thinks “Oh yeah, it’d be great to see my pregnant wife who’s in an induced coma, pregnant with my unborn child, but I can’t risk getting or spreading Covid!” Fuck that.

B. Half the time these injuries aren’t even Covid related. Much like the restaurant bullshit, Covid has become the ultimate excuse for whatever unjust, trivial rule that any staff of any business wants to make up to make their job slightly easier.

C. We have the technology. Give the visitors N-95 masks. Reuse the masks by sanitizing them. Control who goes in and out, limit visitors to one at a time. The hospital staff all wears N-95 masks and assumes it protects them, why can’t the same rules apply to a dying person’s spouse? This is honestly just one of a hundred solutions to this problem.

If this shit happens to me, if Taylor gets Covid Zeta-Epsilon variant in 2022 and is pregnant with my child, I will fucking fight every nurse who tries to stop me from going in the room. I’ll go full-on Liam Neeson on their ass.

This weekend was not a good start to the football season. Definitely top 5 most embarrassing regular season Packer losses of all-time. Last year to the Bucs was in the short list too, but at least it wasn’t to start off the season. Hype destroyed. All my bets lost, both my fantasy teams lost and Aaron Rodgers looks like a greasy hippie. I don’t know about this Shailene Woodley. So far she’s 0-1 and her vibe seems to have infected Aaron. I miss Danica Patrick… Now there’s an All-American girl. I don’t know if she’s actually crazy or boring or something, but she seemed so cool in interviews (Hot Ones for example). Plus she maintained this status as a sex-symbol (GoDaddy.com commercials) and a badass (fucking Nascar driver). Plus I like short girls.

Segueing into relationships from Aaron’s, I’d like to speak on something I think is key to my own. I’ve seen others struggle to maintain a friend/significant other balance. For some reason, lots of guys end up pitting their girlfriends against their friends. I won’t put all the blame on the men; you have to find the right girl to make it work, but as a man I think we should only speak on what we can control ie: ourselves. Much like training a puppy, standards set early on in a romantic relationship often lay important groundwork that can be very hard to change later. Once somebody starts to feel an issue, it will become a problem that will 100% have to be addressed. If this issue involves your relationship or habits with your friends, you are fucked. You can address the issue maturely, you can try to improve your habits, but that girl will always harbor resentment unless she does an ayahuasca trip with Ghandi or something.

What’s worked for me: always bring your girlfriend. The only time you should have bro-only time is if she specifically asks not to come, or you’re golfing. But what if she doesn’t like hanging out with your friends? Well there’s a reason for that and it’s usually one of the following:

A. She doesn’t like your friends.

If this is the case, sounds like she sucks. If you don’t like her friends, you probably suck, or you’re not compatible. They’re your friends, the people you like the most; what’s it mean if she doesn’t like them? What’s it mean if all her friends are boring, vapid idiots? Not liking the same type of people is not equivalent to preferring different types of pizza. It’s a red flag. You can’t just let this slide because she’s smart, hot and you think she’s good for you.

B. She doesn’t like you when you’re with your friends.

This could be a combination of you and her. You’re probably ignoring her or being a tool and she’s probably a little possessive. You really shouldn’t act any different with your girl than you do with your friends. You don’t have to make all the same jokes, but your personality and priorities should be the same. If she’s constantly reigning you in, you need to either do some self-reflection and develop a more mature mode of being. Or realize she hates when you have fun.

C. She doesn’t want to be the only girl.

You must get your friends to date girls. You also must date a girl who gets along with all sorts of different girls. I feel like there’s a big double standard with the sexes on this one. Guys who don’t get along with other dudes of all different personality types and interests are shunned or considered pricks. For girls, it seems to be acceptable to have a few friends and not try to make new ones. This does seem to alleviate with age, as the girls get more desperate for companionship when their college friends move to Nashville. Just make sure that the new friends your girl makes are your buddies’ girlfriends.

To give more prescriptive advice, do not live a double life at the beginning of your relationship and don’t accept this from your significant other, either. If you act like Mr. A+ boyfriend with your girl and go “escape” with your friends, this is not sustainable. If your girlfriend acts like she likes your friends, but doesn’t ever want to go out with your boys and the new fling one of them is dating, this is a bad sign. You must not accept this behavior because you’ll end up resenting her for taking away your friends from you.