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To begin my series of reviewing frozen food, I’m starting with a frozen deep dish pizza, 2 pack, bought at Costco.

I was hankering from something quick and easy at lunchtime on a Tuesday. I didn’t have the resources to assemble any lunch from scratch due to the needs of the baby, so to the freezer I went. I found this frozen deep dish pizza that I had bought on a whim at Costco a few weeks prior.

The 2-pack box comes loaded with two stacked plastic trayscovered in film, ready to open and be put right into the oven. I appreciated the nifty tray, clearly engineered for toasty deep dish crispiness, but I didn’t appreciate that a fair amount of frozen cheese and pepperoni had dislodged during the pizza’s journey from freezer aisle to my oven. After some reassembly and a preheat, I popped the ‘za in the oven for 19 minutes.

The pizza arrived on my counter looking perfect, 19 minutes at 425 degrees was just right. The edges looked crunchy while the cheese was golden brown. Two types of pepperoni adorned this pizza, a typical circular slice type, along with some small cubular pieces one might find on the modest elementary school lunchroom pizza.

I chose to slice the pizza into strips, due to its high weight-to-area ratio. This baby had some girth, and a slice would have buckled under its own mass. Due to its considerable thickness, the pizza was not molten hot upon first bite. I think the bulk of french-bread crust absorbed much of the heat and the roof of my mouth appreciated this subtle feature. The taste was satisfying. The highlight of this pizza was its robust and well-seasoned sauce, couple with a crunchy, garlic bread-like crust. The pepperoni and cheese were nothing special, but they weren’t off-putting. Overall an excellent frozen pizza, with special kudos to the plastic tray for creating such an amazing crust texture.

Something to keep in mind if you choose to bake this entry is that one single pizza had over 1800 calories. This thing was a beast. I was quite hungry, and while I’m known for my huge lunch feasts, I could not finish this pizza. I ate about 2/3s of this thing and called it quits.

My wife chose to eat the last third later in the afternoon, cold. She also found the pizza good, even after it lost it’s heat.

On the grading scale of frozen food this was a 4.0/5 star.

Unlike the retirees of my childhood, who lived in 65+ communities or moved to Florida, the current generation is moving into RVs. But unlike the modest retirement communities of yesteryear, the current amenities, toys and accessories being utilized for the leisure of the retired are far more up-scale. Luxury Class A Motor homes. Expensive lots to park the RV in. Tricked out golf carts to ride around the fancy resort. This is the life of many boomer, and soon to be Gen-X, retirees.

I understand why they have money, they’re old. I’m not sure how they have so much money, but that’s not my concern. My question is why this particular lifestyle has become so popular. Why do they want to move around so freely and interact with so many people? From the outside looking in, this luxury migrant RV thing that retired people seem so keen on seems highly predicated on socializing. They want to be included in the fun activities in the hottest spots with the coolest retirees. The cool retirees don’t act “old.” They are active and eat protein bars and have nice tans. But to hang out with them, you also need to be cool, which means you need a really cool RV. It’s a pay-to-play system here.

By replicating the freedom and non-stop action of youth, the community has also replicated the social hierarchy of high school. All that materialism that you must conform to for social acceptance, back again. I think I’m getting less concerned with social status, as a result of starting a family. There really aren’t any social hierarchies I’m participating in, and even the few I am apart of, I really don’t give a fuck. And it feels good! It feels like I’ve opted out of an unfulfilling pastime.

But then I see people retire and turn into 14 year-olds begging their parent to buy an 80$ t-shirt with a little moose on it. They want to be cool again. I thought those people would be too wise to fall for such an obvious marketing trap. Why the hell do you need to spend a million dollars to chill out with your friends?

Maybe this is just a privileged subset of older people that I’ve been exposed to. But I thought I would grow out of status-oriented materialism and stay that way.

Here’s the show, Netflix writers don’t steal this: two people are selected from different countries, with entirely different cultures. They cannot speak the same language. They are flown to Milwaukee Wisconsin on a private jet, separately. Once they arrive, they are placed in a Lutheran church Sunday school room and meet for the first time, where they must complete a game of Candyland. If the game is successfully completed, the contestants fly immediately to the home country of the winner, where they are married that same afternoon. The wedding will be entirely filled with wacky characters that don’t speak the language of either contestant. Once the wedding is over, the couple is given copious amounts of malt liquor that they must drink, or forfeit the contest. Once drunk, the married couple must communicate remotely with both of their families, who have been gathered together back in Milwaukee, and coach them through putting together an Ikea dresser. If they cannot complete the challenge in one hour, they must immediately divorce and pay the associated fee. If they are successful, they will get their own spin-off show and $500,000 Canadian dollars. The show name is “Love it Or Leave it.”

I want to try to make my own profound sounding quote, here it is:

Aesthetics shift your focus from the objective to the subjective, where no truth is found.

I have always felt guilt whenever I indulge my artistic side when it comes to the real world. When making art for the sake of it, it’s usually doesn’t come at a high cost. But trying to appease your sense of aesthetic taste in today’s day and age is often the thief of pragmatism. If you’re buying a car, or improving your home, or clothing yourself, maximizing how much you like how something looks almost always comes at the cost of either that thing’s cost or quality. And when weighing cost, quality and beauty, beauty seems to be the most vain. Yes, I’d like to surround myself with things that reflect my taste. But doing so is an act in egotism; it’s not essential. Quality and cost are mathematics, they can be plugged into an equation. They are objective. Aesthetics, however fun they are to fixate on, will always be debatable. Do you care more about how people perceive you, or how your perceive yourself, or objective reality?

Recently I read about another relic of the past being taken behind the wood shed and put down, in favor of a less problematic, modern replacement. “Turkey in the Straw,” the most common ice cream truck jingle, has been changed. The song’s 20th century version has no racist lyrics, but its melody has been traced back to the tune “Zip Coon,” a song performed in minstrel shows in the 1800’s. Good Humor, the world’s foremost ice cream truck supplier has teamed with the Wu Tang Clan’s RZA to compose a new ice cream truck song.

How socially enlightened! What an incredible puzzle to solve, with so many connections to follow. Minstrel shows, a 19th century Vaudeville act with often racist content, used a series of notes that was repurposed into another song over 100 years later, which was again repurposed into an unnamed tune on a popular type of ice cream truck music box, which has dominated the ice cream truck music market since the 1950s, which made the racist series of sounds audible to every child in America! This type of historical sleuthing is what will heal America and her uniquely awful racism problem. We must systematically eradicate these reminders of an era where equality was not enshrined into law, so that we don’t accidentally remember all the time.

To continue the good fight, I propose that we take a new stand against an industry that built itself on the backs of slaves: Cotton. Before you get dressed tomorrow, please check your garments’ tags for any cotton, even 1%. Why should we continue supporting this material, which has produced profits for slave owning plantation owners since our country’s founding? A material that the evil Confederacy fought a war for, and clothed their soldiers with? There is no single product today that bears more responsibility for our racism than cotton. Boycott cotton with me, stand strong against racism. No more t-shirts, no more Hane’s.

My son is now one week old and I just realized something. I haven’t done any extensive research on this, but I’m pretty convinced that rocking chairs were invented to get infants to fall asleep! It makes so much sense now. I always thought it was just for restless people. My mind is blown.

I have a theory: most people feel a positive connotation with the word “sensitive.” They see being having sensitive emotions as endearing and being sensitive to others sensitivity as considerate. Therefore, they think most people should be more sensitive than they are now.

I do not think people should aim to be more sensitive, or think sensitivity is always an honorable trait. I do realize being sensitive is necessary, since offensive words or actions are generally considered rude. There is a decorum that should be maintained. But I don’t think we need to encourage more sensitivity, and I feel that many people are.

Take the Demar Hamlin situation, for example. Every public persona is only willing to move on and speak about football (their job, mind you) once they feel like they have observed an adequate amount of time after the injury. They feel this pressure from the internet mob who wishes to morally posture anybody willing to resume a normal routine “too soon.” This amount of time seemed to be about 3 days; anybody who resumed the status quo sooner was blasted. This phenomenon has seemed to gain severity since the rise of social media. Less severe situations are requiring more severe sensitivity. Are we going to find a line at some point?

There is an addiction to demonstrating one’s sensitivity online, combined with simultaneously demonstrating somebody else’s lack thereof. When will there be push back on this behavior? When will the equation for social capital gained/lost go into the red for morally posturing? I hope it does eventually, because being sensitive beyond society’s pre-social media standard really isn’t hard or helpful.

I have not been interested in going to the movies for some time now. The market for films in America continues to separate into increasingly more homogeneous sub-groups. On one side, traditional cinema, where story, acting prowess, themes and dialogue are the key metrics. These movies/shows/films/pictures/series/whatever are essentially only released to streaming platforms anymore. On the other side, the blockbuster titles. The only media deemed worthy of theatrical release; these movies are either reboots, sequels of other successful (or semi-successful) movies, or general DC/Marvel comic book hero shit. Let’s look at the article “The Most Anticipated Movie Releases: Coming 2023” by the blog site Social Junkie.

Babylon – Original

M3GAN – Original

Kraven The Hunter – Comic Book

The Last Voyage of the Demeter – Original

Knock At The Cabin – Original

Magic Mike’s Last Dance – Sequel

It’s All Coming Back To Me – Original

Ant-Man And The Wasp: Quantumania – Comic Book

Cocaine Bear – Original (I’m intrigued)

Dungeons & Dragons Honor Among Thieves – Original

Creed 3 – Reboot+Sequel

The Haunted Mansion – Reboot

Aquaman 2 – Sequel

John Wick Chapter 4 – Sequel

Scream 6 – Sequel (Too many)

The Super Mario Bros. – Original

Heart Of A Lion – Original

Renfield – Original

Last Train To New York – Reboot (of a foreign film)

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 – Sequel

Fast X – Sequel (STOP)

The Little Mermaid – Reboot (These live action Disney remakes are so bad)

Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse Part One – Comic Book

Transformers Rise Of The Beasts – Reboot (How are we still doing Transformers?)

The Flash – Comic Book

Indiana Jones 5 – Sequel (Harrison is old)

Madame Web – Comic Book

Mission Impossible – Dead Reckoning: Part 1 – Sequel (Tom Cruise is also old)

Barbie – Original

Oppenheimer – Original (Actually stoked for)

The Marvels – Comic Book

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Reboot

The Meg 2 – The Trench – Sequel (Didn’t realize anybody watched ‘The Meg’)

Blue Beetle – Comic Book

The Equaliser 3 – Sequel (Didn’t know there was a 1 and 2)

A Quiet World – Sequel

The Exorcist – Reboot (This has to be like the 8th reboot of this movie)

Paw Patrol The Mighty Movie – Original

Dune 2 – Sequel

Saw X – Sequel (STOP)

Imaginary Friends – Original

Trolls 3 – Sequel (Why?)

The Hunger Games The Ballad of Songbirds And Snakes – Reboot (This title is such a GoT ripoff)

Wonka – Reboot

The Tigers Apprentice – Original

Peter Pan & Wendy – Reboot

Disenchanted – Original

Legally Blonde 3 – Sequel

Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget – Sequel (Dumbfounded they made a sequel to this)

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs – Reboot

Pinocchio – Reboot

Gremlins 3 – Sequel

Totals:

Movies listed: 52

Originals: 16

Sequels: 17

Reboots: 12

Comic Books: 7

So 69% of new 2023 movies are unoriginal ideas? Nice.

It’s that time of year.

Over the past few years, I’ve been conducting market research for the male underwear industry and I would like to share my findings and interpretations. There is a lot of action happening in this market right now, with various online luxury underwear brands popping up.

The first thing I’ve noticed is there has been consolidation in underwear types. When I was a kid, you had briefs, boxers and boxer briefs. I now feel like 95% of men wear boxer briefs, the other 5% being geriatrics wearing tight-whiteys and a few weirdos wearing boxers.

But the key insight I’d like to share today is one that surprised me: there is almost a 50/50 split on the usage preferences of the underwear penis hole. If you’re unaware of basic male underwear construction principles, there is a flap located right in the junk region of almost all male underwear, which allows an object to pass through the underwear if the flap is opened, usually being the dick of the wearer for urination purposes.

At least this is was I thought. Because apparently to over half of the US male population, this flap/hole is there for absolutely no reason whatsoever. These men do not use this hole to allow their dong to pass through their underwear, they have opted out of this technique in exchange for pulling their waistband below their johnson to piss. As I stated, I find the proportion of flap-users and waistband-pullers about equal, with waistband-pullers owning a slight edge. I ask this question frequently to groups of guy friends, because I’m always astounded at how evenly split the group is and how flabbergasted each group is by the other group’s technique.

Side note: this group distinction does not apply when wearing zipper-less pants such as basketball shorts or sweats. For these garments, waistband pulling is unavoidable.

Personally, I am a flap-user. To clarify for you waistband-pullers out there, when I saunter up to a urinal to piss, I perform the following actions:

unzip my pants

reach through the pants hole

pry open the underwear flap

grab my willy

pull it through both holes

piss

stuff in back through

zip up

To any flap-user or female, this may sound completely reasonable. To a waistband-puller, the process I described is probably as foreign as a bidet is to your grandfather. The waistband-pullers process, in comparison, is crude but simple. Here is their process, as far as I understand it:

undo belt, if wearing one

unbutton pants

unzip pants

pull underwear below dick

pull dick over underwear

piss

let waistband snap back into place

zip, button, belt

There are also a few outlier techniques, which are even more rare. These include the hybrid, where the user opens their pants fully, but uses their underwear flap. There is also the rare breed who pull their entire package over their waistband, balls included (strange indeed). The last is the little kid technique, where you just drop your pants with your ass fully exposed.

My take: I find waistband-pullers unsophisticated. When asked why they don’t use the penis flap, which was designed specifically to allow for ease of urination, they usually respond with some irrational fear of scraping their dick on their zipper. I have never experienced this; it’s quite simple to just grab a fist full of dong and pull it out, fully protected by hand. I have tried the waistband-puller technique, just for the experience. My first criticism of the method is that it often requires two hands, one for dick and one to hold your pants up, unless you want to spread your legs and squat to keep them up. The next issue I have is that you have to really stretch your waistband low if you don’t want a kink in your member, which hinders the piss. This leads to worn out undies. Lastly, if you are feeling a bit buzzed and happen to lose grip of your waistband, you will simultaneously rubberband-snap your dick and piss all over yourself. This is a unnecessary risk I will not take.

So are you team waistband-puller or team flap-user?