Hello again friends. I’m happy to bring you another Fantasy Football recap for the 9th season of the League of Pure Imagination. As commissioner, I could not ask for a better group of league members who always pay their dues, never try to fuck with the rules and never blow up my phone with some stupid group chat. I also would like to personally thank each and every one of you for your continued commitment to the core values of this league: Competition, Resentfulness, Simplicity, and Racial Sensitivity.
This season crowns a new champion, Jeff. Through years of lackluster performance, Jeff continued with his process, never faltering. Through God and the 12-step program, he was able to put forth a performance greater than he was previously capable. Please take the time to congratulate Jeff personally, seeing as this might be greatest thing he ever accomplishes in his pathetic life.
The playoffs this year contained teams with an array of stories, each more curious and inspiring than the last. In the driver’s seat was Brock and his consistently dominant team Bower Rangers at 11-3. Jeff’s team Godwin’s Plan was seeded #2, its name representing the per-ordained playoff run it was about to make. The rest of the playoffs filled out with Evan, Trystan, Hax and Charlie. These teams went 10-2 in aggregate over the last 3 weeks of the regular season, which illustrates how important weeks 12-14 are in fantasy football. The two losses came from Charlie’s DK’s Jungle Parkway, who squeaked in with the 6th seed at 7-7. The regular season champ was Trystan’s team King Stanley, whose staggering 1756.04 points scored was mired by its modest 8-6 record.
The first round began with the six consolation bound bottom-feeders and the two bye-worthy teams watching with anticipation as seeds 3 through 6 fought for their fantasy lives. Charlie, losing 4 of out his last 5 regular season match ups, limped into the arena to face off against Evan, who was on a 4 game winning streak. Although Charlie fought valiantly with 118 points, it was no match for Davante Adam’s 41.3 point performance combined with another solid Jalen Hurts game. Evan moved on to the semis.
On the other side of the bracket, Haxby’s Tyreeky Blinders, whose accession nobody foresaw when it owned a 2-5 record, faced off against Trystan’s dangerous squad. On the wings of the Goffense and his 44.06 point performance, Haxby slew the Goliath, leaving Trystan to curse Jaylen Waddle and his goose egg in the 3rd place match up.
The semi-final match ups were set for NFL week 16. Jeff and his holy squad faced Evan, who was as confident as ever. But Evan played the wrong defense, experienced an injury to his reliable RB David Montgomery, got Jalen Hurts’ worst performance of the year, and was not able to muster a 100+ point week. Jeff recorded a sound victory on the back of Chuba Hubbard’s best performance of the year and overcame a 1 point performance from his flex.
Meanwhile, Haxby’s team-of-destiny faced Brock. The bye week decimated Brock’s RB room, with Alvin Kamara and Issac Guerrendo going down, as well as J.K. Dobbin’s injury timeline being extended beyond what was previously thought. Brock scrambled on the waiver wire for replacement options, but his start-sit decisions had been complicated . By starting Cooper Kupp over Tank Dell and benching his newly acquired Ameer Abdullah, Brock decided to live or die by “starting his studs,” and he died. Haxby was somehow onto the championship thanks to more production from Goff, James Cook and Jason Sanders.
Jeff vs. Haxby was the closest point margin championship in league history, with Jeff edging Hax by only 2.8 points. Jeff had 2 positions put up goose-eggs, Brandon Aubrey and Hunter Henry. Yet somehow, neither of these were the worst start-sit decision of the match up. That title belongs to the Indianapolis Colts defense, whom delivered Haxby -4 points against the New York Giants. The New York Giants, whom had allowed the 3rd most fantasy defense points in the league, who had nothing to play for, who were starting their backup, who sucked fucking ass all year, put up 45 points on the Colts. Haxby’s miracle run was ended by Drew Lock. Jeff was able to lean on the 2024 fantasy points leader Lamar Jackson to take him to the promised land.
Meanwhile, Brock rebounded against Evan in the 3rd place match up. It helped that Jalen Hurts got a concussion and Evan decided to start Mason Rudolph.
There is one more narrative that i must share, because it might be the most interesting match up result I have ever seen in fantasy football. It’s Monday, Sept. 30th, week 4. Hax is playing Kopke. The Seahawks are hosting the Detroit Lions on MNF. John Kopke has no players remaining. Haxby has one, Geno Smith. Haxby started the game behind by about 20 points. As the game progresses and nears the end of the 4th quarter, Geno Smith is battling to get the Seahawks back into the game. He goes on a drive starting on the Seattle 30 yard line all the way to the Lion’s 3 yard line. During this drive, Geno Smith scores enough fantasy points to put Haxby up by half of a point. 1st and Goal on the 3, and four straight pass plays go incomplete. The Seahawks turn the ball over on downs. A few plays later, with 2 minutes left in the game, the Lions get sacked in the end zone for a safety. The Seahawks get the ball back, but this isn’t good for Haxby. An interception would give him a loss, unless geno can eclipse a 2 point lead prior to throwing a game-ending INT. Geno works his way down to the Lions 35, getting Haxby’s lead to 1.4 points. The next play, Geno throws a deep to JSN in the endzone. He is intercepted, the game ends, and Haxby loses by 0.6 points. I know this because I was texting Kopke and Hax during the game. Tough break for Hax as he goes to bed with the bitter taste of defeat.
But alas, Haxby wakes up to his ESPN Fantasy App telling him that HE WON BY 0.6. How is this possible? He didn’t know then, but I do now. During the Saints vs. Falcons game on Sunday the 29th, the Falcons scored 2 defensive touchdowns in a 26-24 victory. Or at least that’s the way it was scored in the ESPN fantasy app. As some of you may know, defensive touchdowns do not count towards the “Points scored Against” of the opposing defense. Kopke started the Saint’s defense, which was attributed with 12 points against (4 field goals). However, one of the Falcon’s defensive touchdowns was actually a muffed punt recovered in the end zone. This TD was incorrectly attributed as a defensive touchdown initially, but it was actually a special teams touchdown. Special teams touchdowns DO count against an opposing defense, so the points against the Saints was corrected to 18 points, which removed 1 point from Kopke’s score, which handed Jakob Haxby the victory.
Now for the butterfly effect shit. If Haxby had lost that week 4 match up, he would have still made the playoffs at 7-7, but he would have been the 6th seed. His match up would have been against Evan, who would have beaten him in the first round. Charlie, on the other hand, would have been the 5th seed, where he would have beaten Trystan. Charlie’s team would have also beaten Brock in week 16. Finally, Charlie’s 144 point performance in week 17 would have crushed Jeff in the championship. This single stat correction has theoretically stolen the 2024 league title from Charlie and handed it to Jeff. Sorry Charlie.
Let’s take a look at some nice stat tables before we get into team breakdowns.
Team Breakdowns:
Jeff Slonaker – Godwin’s Plan
Although not the most dominant statistically, nobody can say Jeff didn’t earn his chip this year. His team started 6-1, employing excellent early seasons from Joe Mixon, the Tampa Bay Bucs entire team (Jeff had Baker, Godwin and Evans) and Jayden Reed. Then in week 8, Evans and Godwin went down in the same game. But in the second half of the season, Jeff had another secret weapon, his first round pick Puka Nacua, who had missed weeks 2-7. Jeff had six weeks over 130 points, no bust weeks under 70, and had the league’s lowest points against per game. God was on Jeff’s side this season.
Team MVP: Lamar Jackson
Best Value Pick: Chuba Hubbard
Best Acquisition: Tucker Kraft
Jakob Haxby – Tyreeky Blinders
Hax had one of the most improbable and puzzling seasons in league history. After week 8, Haxbo was 3-5 and the combined margin of victory in his 3 wins was 3.98 points. Weeks 9-14 was where Haxby’s magic started. Over that span he went 5-1, and ditched Kirk Cousins for Jared Goff. The stats of Tyreeky Blinders are weird; Hax never eclipsed 130 points in a week and had the 2nd lowest points scored. Right place, Right time.
Team MVP: James Cook
Best Value Pick: Jordan Addison
Best Acquisition: Jared Goff
Brock Rule – Bower Rangers
Poor Brock can’t win the big one. Bower Rangers started the season 6-0 and finished with a league-best 11-3 record. Brock’s 119.7 points per game was 7th best all time in our league. The QB3 in Josh Allen, the WR2 in Justin Jefferson, the TE1 in Brock Bowers, and a very deep running back room. He also received the #1 QB fantasy performance of all time during week 14 when Josh Allen scored 55.88 points. I won’t lie, I was scared of Brock’s dominance all season long. But just as Hax was in the right place, Brock was in the wrong place. After the litany of sudden injuries, the Bower Rangers week 16 starters, apart from Justin Jefferson, under performed in the biggest match up of Brock’s young life. This one hurts bad for Brock especially, because he has never won a playoff match up in his 6 seasons in the league. Has he shared in some success as assistant manager of Zach’s teams? Maybe. But watching your wife from the chair in the corner of the room just isn’t the same as being up in the stink. But Brock’s 3rd place finish should be respected; a placatory end to a season that had so much promise.
Team MVP: Josh Allen
Best Value Pick: Brock Bowers
Best Acquisition: Isaac Guerrendo
Evan Buchert – White guys finish last
Evan had a tumultuous season that I’m sure he blames on Christian McCaffrey. This is the second time that Evan has drafted McCaffrey 1st overall and been cursed with an injury-plagued season (2021). Middling at .500 for the first 10 weeks of the season, Evan finally started to get some production from his 2nd round pick Davante Adams in the back half, thanks to a trade to the Jets. This was especially true in week 15, where Davante’s 40 bomb overwhelmed Charlie in the first round of the playoffs. Interesting fact, this matchup was actually the first time all season Evan scored more than 130. He went out with a whimper in the 3rd place match up, exposing his lack up of roster depth. But the season must be seen as a success, based on the circumstances. Maybe trade that #1 pick next time?
Team MVP: Jalen Hurts
Best Value Pick: David Montgomery
Best Acquisition: Trey Sermon? idk
Trystan Chambers – King Stanley
While Brock dominated in the win/loss column, Trystan dominated in the points. Trystan’s King Stanley is the highest scoring team in league history, at 125.4 points per game. This regular season champion went 8-6…. huh? Trystan was the only manager who rostered two top finishers by position, Chris Bowell and Ja’Marr Chase. Speaking of Ja’Marr, what a season. three 20-pieces, a 30-bomb, a 40-burger, and a 55.9 point performance. Dude hit the fantasy cycle. Trystan led the league with 7 boom weeks over 130 points and had no bust weeks. But amid all the points, he had a 6 week losing streak from weeks 4-9. He only failed to eclipse 100 points a single time in that stretch, a 98.72 week, so it’s not like he didn’t continue to score. But because of his poor mid season defense, his mediocre record pitted him against Haxby and Jared Goff’s 44 points in week 15. After being knocked out, Trystan finished the season very strongly in his meaningless match ups, twisting the knife even further on what could have been. But financially Trystan is sound and his scoring record is enshrined, so it could be a lot worse.
Team MVP: Ja’Marr Chase
Best Value Pick: Joe Burrow
Best Acquisition: Chris Boswell
Charlie Cornforth – DK’s Jungle Parkway
We’ve already lamented poor Charlie’s misfortune, so let’s set that aside and look at his team. DK’s Jungle Parkway was a solid unit, with the 4th best points per game and the 2nd most 20-piece performances. Charlie made some good moves on the wire, picking up Sam Darnold for a song and the Broncos Defense (top finisher). He drafted well, finishing with two WR1s (Lamb and McConkey) and two RB1s (Henry and Conner). He bounced back and forth all season, hovering around .500, and sneaked into the playoffs thanks to Murphy, Spence and myself all losing week 14. He performed admirably in the playoff match up with Evan, apart from Brock Purdy’s 3.98 point game. Charlie was one of two managers to score 140+ points and lose, which actually came in the meaningless week 17 match up with Trystan.
Team MVP: Derrick Henry
Best Value Pick: Ladd McConkey
Best Acquisition: Sam Darnold
Murphy Olmstead – Watch the Throne
Murphy was the other manager to score 140+ points and lose, but he actually scored 151.32 and lost, also to Trystan. That match up had over 300 points scored combined. There’s not much interesting to say about Murphy’s Watch the Throne team. He started 1-5, so everybody basically wrote him off. He finished strong thanks to an excellent back half of the fantasy season from Josh Jacobs, as well as Courtland Sutton. His push to the playoffs ended week 15 against Hax, when his Broncos heavy roster had their bye. Maybe plan that one out a little better next time, Murph.
Team MVP: Amon-Ra St. Brown
Best Value Pick: Courtland Sutton
Best Acquisition: Bo Nix
Jordan Schwers – Moore Brown Love
Not gonna lie, I was feeling pretty good after week 7 at 5-2. Among the vanquished foes in my 5-game winning streak were the titans Jeff, Brock and Trystan. I was so high. Every day I woke up refreshed, worked long hours without tire. And then I lost to Colten. I finished the season 1-5, my only victory a gift from Kopke. I knew in week 9 the wheels were falling off, so I desperately flipped Cade Otton’s recent success to Spence in exchange for the under-performing Marvin Harrison Jr, hoping he would have a rookie renaissance in the back half of the season. He didn’t, I continued to lose, and I could have drafted Joe Burrow instead of Jordan Love. Live a homer, die a homer.
Team MVP: George Kittle
Best Value Pick: Jordan Mason
Best Acquisition: Cade Otton
Andrew Spencer – Hawk Tua
Spence also had a disappointing regular season finish, losing his last 3 match ups after staying in the mix all season. In those fateful weeks, nobody in particular let him down. He just didn’t get a single 20-piece from any of his players in that entire span. But although Spence missed out on the playoffs, he showed his quality in the consolation bracket. His WR trio of Jameson Williams, Malik Nabers and Brian Thomas Jr. exploded all over the rejects of the league and convincingly won Spence his dues back.
Team MVP: Malik Nabers
Best Value Pick: Brian Thomas Jr.
Best Acquisition: Josh Downs
Puccacabra
What to say about Nic’s team? It wasn’t very good, considering he had Saquon, who delivered five 30+ point performances. Nic had a league high 10 goose eggs (0 points or worse player performance). He also had the highest points scored against in the league by a giant margin, the highest PA/G since Kopke in 2020. So maybe it’s not fair to shit on Nic, seeing as everybody apparently did all season.
Team MVP: Saquon Barkley
Best Value Pick: Jerry Jeudy
Best Acquisition: Terry McLaurin (trade)
Colten Bernauer – Kicked in the D
Colten’s team kinda stunk. And sadly, it has landed him with the all-time worst win percentage in the League of Pure Imagination, to go along with his league-worst 96 points per game all-time. Colten’s Kicked in the D team name was very apt, especially during week 12. Colten was facing who else, Haxby. Monday night, Ravens vs. Chargers. Colten is down by 0.2 points with Quentin “Stone Hands” Johnston in his flex. 99% chance to win. QJ gets 5 targets and records no catches for 0 yards and Colten loses. That is fucking funny, man.
Team MVP: Jonathan Taylor
Best Value Pick: Chase Brown
Best Acquisition: Quentin Johnston
John Kopke – Uncle Rico
Kopke’s team made Colten’s team look good. Uncle Rico had the 7th worst scoring season of all-time in the league, at 92.7 points per game. A lot of draft capital did not pan out for Kopke. CJ Stroud had a sophomore slump, QB18. Deebo fell off a cliff, WR44. Keenan Allen had a slow start, WR36. Stefon Diggs, season ending injury. Jake Ferguson, a standout last year, TE30. Kopke had a league-high 3 bust weeks under 70 points. Let’s move on to next season, Kopke.
Team MVP: Bijan Robinson
Best Value Pick: Keenan Allen
Best Acquisition: Jauan Jennings