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My wife was out of town this weekend so I was home alone with my 1 year-old son. We ate the same food for every meal. I realize it’s obvious, but I find it fascinating and disgusting that the shit I just took smells exactly like the diapers I changed all weekend.

Dear loyal fantasy friends,

I apologize for the delay in this write-up. I’ve been busy, not going to lie. Also, I really wanted to inject some advanced analytics into this write-up, which takes a long ass time.

Congratulations to Murphy’s Dan Campbells Pet Lions. Murphy is back-to-back champ. Colten made a strong postseason push and ended up with silver, while Trystan bested Evan for 3^rd place. The regular season champion was Trystan as well, while our consolation champion is Andrew Spencer.

The biggest storyline of this season could be that we’ve had 3 repeat champions in 7 years. Evan in 2017 and 2018, Nic in 2020 and 2021, and Murphy in 2022 and 2023. How do these mini-dynasties come to fruition? The only real common player between these 3 repeat champions is Evan’s usage of Ezekiel Elliot in 2017 and 2018. But apart from this, these repeat champion’s teams look completely different from Year 1 to Year 2. How do these winners get in the zone?

The more entertaining story line this season is the collapse of the 1 and 2 seeds in the playoffs, Evan and Trystan. Their respective teams, NO D FOR YOU and King Stanley, felt utterly dominant in the regular season. Evan’s team had the best record in the history of the league at 12-2, while Trystan’s team scored the most regular season points with 1658.76 and started the season 7-0. But how good were these teams really? Now that the league has completed its 8^th year, we have some historical data to put this season into context.

Here’s some interesting findings when looking through our league’s history:

Although this NFL season felt like scoring was down, it wasn’t the lowest scoring season that we’ve had in our fantasy history. 2023 had an NFL average team points scored of 21.8, while 2017 had 21.7. This panned out in the fantasy scoring as well, with 2017 being the lowest average score/game at 101.4, while this year was 103.4. 2018 was our highest league average at 110.6.

Evan’s and Trystan’s teams points scored/game, when weighted by the league average, were the 2^nd and 4^th highest we’ve had in league history. 1^st and 3^rd both came in 2017, from my team Tony Browntana and Murphy’s team FlaxenCheese 25, respectively. Interesting that down scoring years seem to produce the highest outlier scoring for those teams at the top.  

Colten’s 2023 team Burrow McCaulkiner had the 3rd lowest adjusted points/game for a team that made the playoffs in league history. The lowest was Andrew’s Odell’s School of Stool in 2020. Colten’s team was the lowest scoring team ever to win a playoff matchup.

If we look at difference between adj. points for per game and adj. points against per game, Nic’s Puccacabra had the 2nd worst in league history, behind Kopke’s 2020 Uncle Rico squad. This means Nic had a historical combination of scoring very little while being shit on by his opponents. Trystan’s squad conversely had the 3^rd best in league history, behind Evan’s Ezekial Elliot: True Romance team of 2017 and my Juulio Vape Squad team from 2019.

Although Murphy’s 2023 postseason run may seem miraculous, his 2022 South Beach AUDIBLE team actually had a lower adj. points scored/game and also won the championship. But no team holds a candle in terms of miracles to Colten’s 2016 team Moscow Matty Fam, which in our inaugural season, won the championship with a below average adj. points scored per game, the only team ever to do so.

Let’s get into the team breakdowns:

FYI: 30 Bomb is a 30+ point performance by a starting player. 40 Bomb is 40+.

Murphy Olmstead

Dan Campbells pet Lions

What a story for Murphy. He feels like Tom Brady in his Super Bowl season with the Bucs. A slow start, a team that gels later in the season, and some playoff luck. Murphy was 1-4 after 5 weeks, averaging 83 points per game over that span. He then went on to rattle off 6 of the next 8, averaging 121 points. What led to this ascension? Dak Prescott. But the Dak we all know chokes in the playoffs, which is why Murphy had Amon-Ra St. Brown, who gave him just enough to win his playoff matchups. Stat about Murphy’s team: his players scored more points compared to their projections than any other team. Now that Murphy is back-to-back champion, I fully endorse trying to fuck him over whenever possible.

MVP: Amon-Ra

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: Rachaad White

30 Bombs: 2

40 Bombs: 0

Colten Bernauer

Burrow McCaulkiner

Colten’s season started a bit differently, with a 5-0 start. 2 of these wins came by less than 3 points, the first being one of Evan’s only two losses and the other from a 63.06-51.4 win against Murphy. This is the lowest combined scoring game in the history of our league. When I was looking through the other lowest scoring games in our league history, I found something curious. Here are the next 3 lowest scoring regular season games in league history:

Week 8 2020 69.66-69.66 Colten vs Evan (Colten wins on tie breaker)

Week 5 2022 78.38-61.06 Colten vs Murphy (Colten wins)

Week 2 2018 77.08-55.36 Colten vs Nic (Colten wins)

What a lucky son of a bitch. Another weird thing about Colten’s second place team is that his highest ranked player by position is David Njoku, who only placed as the 6^th TE because of his insane weeks 13-17 with Joe Flacco. Colten’s next highest ranked player was Baker fucking Mayfield at QB10. Colten had the lowest average game margin, meaning his match ups were decided by the least points, on average.

Colten was the only player with no 30 Bombs. How did this guy get 2^nd place again?

MVP: Njoku I guess

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: Brandon Aiyuk

30 Bombs: 0

40 Bombs: 0

Trystan Chambers

King Stanley

7 straight wins, followed by 5 straight losses, followed by 2 huge weeks to secure a 1^st round bye, followed by a loss to Colten in round 2, followed by a 170 point explosion to win 3^rd place. This season must be seen as a success for Trystan financially, winning both regular season champ and 3^rd place. But will Trystan always be the bridesmaid? His 2020 team almost made a miracle run; squeaking into the playoffs as a 6^th seed after winning his last 3 regular season games, destroying Murphy in round 1 of the playoffs before getting waxed by a 160 pointer from Zach. His 2022 team made it to the championship but had the worst championship performance in league history against Murphy. And this 2023 powerhouse team, with the RB4, RB5, RB6, QB4 and the WR2, couldn’t get it done in the semis. 3 of the top 9 scoring weeks (quite a shame 2 of them were by benched players). What could have been. Trystan might be the Lamar Jackson of fantasy.

MVP: Tyreek Hill

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: Kyren Williams

30 Bombs: 8

40 Bombs: 0

Evan Buchert

NO D FOR YOU

Tough ending after riding McCaffery to the most regular season wins of all time. While Trystan’s playoff woes are an enigma, I can tell you exactly why Evan lost in the semis after taking the #1 seed into the playoffs. It was classic hubris. When probed about his start-sit decisions heading into the semis, Evan was quoted as saying “It doesn’t matter, I’m going to win.” Evan proceeded to lose by 15 while 5 of his bench players outscored his starting WR2, TE and Flex. This was statistically a common occurrence for Evan; he had more bench players finish with more than double their projected point than any other team. The next week in his 3^rd place match up, all Evan heard was his cheeks getting clapped by Trystan and his own words ringing in his head.

MVP: Christian McCaffrey

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: Alvin Kamara

30 Bombs: 1

40 Bombs: 1

Jakob Haxby

Haxsaw 69420

What to say about Haxby’s team… not a ton of intrigue here. This is Jake’s 2^nd season in the league and both years have resulted in 8-6 teams who were bounced in the first round of the playoffs. Haxby’s team was middle of the pack in scoring, average in scoring variance, slightly above average number of 30+ point performance, didn’t’ have any notable highs or lows…He did have the top scoring QB in Josh Allen. I guess Hax may be this league’s Marty Schottenheimer?

MVP: Josh Allen

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: Jordan Addison

30 Bombs: 4

40 Bombs: 1

Zach Saleen

Post Mahomes

Zach’s team had another solid season. The story here is that Zach hasn’t missed the playoffs since 2017. That’s 6 straight playoff appearances. 7 out of 8 seasons in the playoffs. Zach’s teams also have never had worse than a +5 point per game differential. He’s the only owner who has never had a negative point differential season. Zach is the Mike Tomlin of this league. This season wasn’t all consistent output, however. He started 1-4 before winning 5 straight. He is the only team with two number 1 positional finishers in Sam LaPorta and CeeDee Lamb. The funny part is he only started LaPorta one week after picking him up off waivers Week 1, which was during Travis Kelce’s bye week. I guess the rookie with the greatest TE season since Mike Ditka in 1961 was more valuable on Zach’s bench than in a trade?

MVP: CeeDee Lamb

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: LaPorta, but not really

30 Bombs: 6

40 Bombs: 0

Jordan Schwers

Son and Done

My team stunk this year. Statistically my team’s output was actually pretty average, with the 5^th highest points/game, but I had the 2^nd highest points against/game and couldn’t seem to string together any wins. This is the 2^nd year in a row I made the most roster moves. League-wide we had the lowest average roster moves in league history, I guess everybody was just too busy to fuck with their lineups. My team’s top scorer was my starting kicker or defense in 5 weeks. No other team had that happen more than twice. You know how I said Zach was the only owner with two #1 positional finishers? I lied. I had Brandon Aubrey and the Cowboys Defense, who both finished #1. Does this make me good at fantasy or bad? I also uncovered that I am 1 of 4 owners in our league to have a lifetime points/game over 110, the others being Evan, Zach, and Murphy, who all have chips. Maybe I’m the Dan Marino of fantasy.

MVP: Cowboys DEF

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: Brandon Aubrey (my team was so fucking lame)

30 Bombs: 2

40 Bombs: 0

Charlie Cornforth

Surprise Motha Tucker

Charlie had the most statistically average scoring season at 103.5 Points/Game (league average was 103.41). Despite average scoring, Charles was very streaky this season in his matchups. He won 2 straight, then he lost 5 straight, then he won 4 straight, then he lost 3 straight. His comeback season came to an end when he was narrowly thwarted week 12 against Andrew, who had his best regular season point total of the season.  The next week, Charlie lost Tank Dell to a season ending injury and his team lost the will to live. One fun stat about Charlie is that he had the most bench points scored, and I don’t think he was stashing multiple QBs. Lots of points left out on the field.

MVP: Jalen Hurts

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: Tank Dell

30 Bombs: 1

40 Bombs: 0

John Kopke

Uncle Rico

Kopke started terribly with 4 straight losses, followed by our highest point total of the season in week 5 with 172.18 points against Zach. This was also the highest combined scoring game of the year with 307.3 total. John middled around after his big week, going 5-4 with a big moral victory over Andrew to finish the season off. It reminded me of the Saints win in week 18, which didn’t help them make the playoffs in the end but was a good ole’ ass-whooping, just for the hell of it. John’s bench performed poorer compared to projections than any other team, while his starting lineups were 3^rd best, so he made good start/sit decisions. He also had 3 of the top 7 weeks when comparing points scored to projected points. His team was just underwhelming in the win/loss column. But John will always have week 5, when Ja’Marr Chase scored 47.7 points and Etienne added 34.4.

MVP: Travis Ettienne (Did not realize this guy finished RB2)

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: James Cook

30 Bombs: 4

40 Bombs: 1

Jeff Slonaker

Kooscotopia

There were 3 teams to start the season 3-0: Colten, Trystan and Jeff. The next 8 weeks Jeff’s team wavered a bit, but never fell below .500. He came into week 12 at 6-5, but proceeded to drop 3 in a row, averaging 70.3 points over the span. During this 3 games Jeff had no player eclipse 20 points, no bench player eclipse 10 points, Justin Herbert scored 40% of his projected points and Austin Ekeler scored 62%. Slon got Chargered. Stats: Jeff’s team had the lowest variance in points scored. He also only had one player that finished Top-10 in their position: Taysom Hill at TE10.

MVP: The Bills Defense?

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: Jayden Reed

30 Bombs: 1

40 Bombs: 0

Andrew Spencer

Hyde and Zeke

Not a great year for Hyde and Zeke. Worst PF/G in the league. Only one game over 120 points. 3 games under 60 points, most in the league. 2^nd highest variance behind Kopke, but while Kopke had variance due to the random point explosion, Andrew had the random point diarrhea. He didn’t really have any reliable studs except Achane, but he was only able to suit up for 5 games in Andrew’s lineup. Andrew had the lowest points scored by his lineup compared with their projections at 89%. Josh Jacobs, Davante Adams, Najee, Goedert, Cam Akers, Daniel Jones. Andrew’s draft was more busty than Hitomi Tanaka. But somehow, despite all this, and despite a 59 point showing in Round 1 of the playoffs, Andrew somehow rattled off 2 big weeks and won consolation championship by 2.5 points over Jeff. 49 fucking points from Amari Cooper in week 16 (biggest player performance of the year), and solid performances all around in week 17 and Spence wins his money back.

MVP: Nico Collins

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: De’von Achane

30 Bombs: 4

40 Bombs: 1

Nic Andreason

Puccacabra

While Nic’s team didn’t have the high-octane pants pooping that Andrew’s did, his squad laid more consistent, firm stools in his pants, week after week. From weeks 6-17, Nic only scored more than 100 points once, which was in week 10 with 106.32. This was not aided by the fact that Nic had 114.7 points per game on average scored against him. He only scored more than this average in weeks 3-5, and not by much. But I think Nic knew it wasn’t his year when he started the season 1-5. He got his two rings and now he’s in rebuild mode, not caring too much about the losses piling up. One thing Nic can hang his hat on is that his yearly week 2 FAAB overspend (which usually works out) won him Puka Nacua, who had the best rookie fantasy WR season of all time, and is on Nic’s favorite team.

MVP: Puka Nacua

Best Acquisition/Sleeper: Jake Ferguson

30 Bombs: 3

40 Bombs: 0

I’ve prepared some data if you’d like to look at it.

Thanks for playing everybody. Love you guys.

It’s winter weather season and I’m here to rant about winter driving. Over the years, I have heard a take about driving on icy roads that continues to boggle my mind.

I was driving to lunch in a coworker’s truck yesterday and noticed he was in 2-wheel drive. Having just driven my commute in 4WD due to the overnight snow storm, I asked my coworker if he ever uses 4WD in his full-ton pickup. He responded “Naaaa,” with a tone that sounded condescending towards the safety precaution. I asked him, “Even when it’s icy? Aren’t you worried about fish-tailing and sliding into the ditch?” He goes, “If I’m worried, I just do this.” He then proceeded to turn off his traction control system.

So being the argumentative person that I am, I immediately questioned this logic. Now, my coworker is a motor head. He drove truck for many years. He is VERY into RTVs and snowmobiles. I know this guy can drive. But I had to know; what the hell benefit are you gaining from turning off your traction control?

Now I’ve heard this claim about TCS before. Over the years, many people who I trusted told me that TCS somehow made loss of traction situations worse. This has been bothering me, because from an engineering point of view, I fail to see how this universally adopted technology that has been around since I was born does the opposite of what it’s supposed to do.

My coworker’s argument was interesting. Not convincing, but interesting. He proposed a situation to me: he’s driving along when a car pulls in front of him in icy conditions. He claims that if he swerved rapidly to avoid the car, his TCS would slow down his rear axle slippage, make it so he couldn’t “kick his back end around” the obstacle. So basically, the TCS would inhibit his ability drift his truck around an obstacle.

Does this sound as stupid to you, reader, as it does to me? You can’t base your winter driving decisions on a fantastic, James Bond-esque scenario where you perfectly anticipate the traction of the road and swiftly divert power to Tokyo drift your way to safety. Doesn’t it seem more likely that your just hit some ice and slide off the highway? Doesn’t this happen far more frequently? And in this scenario, do you want to rely on your driving ability to negotiate going sideways at 55 mph using a 2WD vehicle that won’t assist you regain traction?

Or, you could let the computer in your car that can pinpoint a loss of traction in each tire in under 5 milliseconds, and software that have been in development for 10+ generations of highly regulated vehicles, to divert power to slow and steer your car to safety. I’m as suspicious of the government as the next fella, but TCS has been required in all vehicles since 2012. Are you anti-TCS folks trying to tell me there is some conspiracy going on in the automotive industry to continue putting a counter-productive technology in every single vehicle?

It seems like everybody who has something bad to say about TCS is into motor sports, and the more I think about it, the more I think their opinion on it is based on overestimating their abilities. I do understand there are situations where TCS would be detrimental, but that’s equivalent to the “don’t wear your seltbelt in case you get trapped in the car” argument.

If anybody out there wants to comment and change my mind, please do so.

My wife’s dog (my step-dog) is not a good dog. He guards things and will bite people who try to take what he’s guarding. He likes to guard phone chargers, shoes and bags, so this happens a lot. He’s a very small dog, so he hasn’t been put down because he’s incapable of causing serious harm, but his bites do break skin and hurt. He is also very loud, disobedient and will attack almost any dog he sees. This is not due to a lack of training. He knows many tricks and has been to multiple professional trainers. He is simply an asshole, by nature of breeding. He will always be a selfish, evil creature, who will only be a good boy if it benefits him immediately. My relationship with this dog is one of tolerance and mutual understanding, not love or affection.

My wife is more patient with this reproachful animal than I, to be expected. She raised the dog and has more of a connection with him. But even she is a logical person who is not blind to the inconvenience and risk this dog poses to our lives. This dog nipped the hand of my 1 year old baby yesterday. It was a warning bite, not intended to hurt (I’ve become accustomed to all of his bite variants). But the child posed no risk to the dog. I was teaching the baby to gently pet the dog with an open hand, which he was successfully doing. This encroachment of personal space was enough to get a warning snarl and snap in the twisted mind of this fo

People like my wife and I need stop hiding in the shadows and be heard. Whenever we mention our awful dog, others always come out of the woodwork with tales of a terrible dog they have or had. These traumatized people speak cautiously at first; scanning around for some “dog-lover” to blame them for being a bad owner. When they realize they are in a safe space, where they can share their years of abuse without judgement, the true therapy begins. Their eyes widen, glisten with true understanding of the situation a bad dog owner finds themself in. The dog is a money pit, a mess-maker, a constant hindrance to your schedule, all while any complaints will not be socially accepted. Everybody loves dogs and they are all wonderful, innocent creatures according to all the people who enjoy Subaru commercials and wear puffer jackets.

If I know one thing to be a fact, it’s dogs can be malevolent. These same people that anthropomorphize the feelings and personalities of these animals are the same ones that will tell you “there are no bad dogs, just bad trainers.” I wonder if they feel that way about people?

People have came around on pit bulls. There is a large coalition of people who don’t think the breed is suitable for domestic cohabitation in modern society, and I’m one of them. But let’s extend this understanding of risks associated with raising an animal to other breeds, who are also inbred for outdated purposes. I have no guilt-free way of getting rid of this dog. My wife thinks it would be wrong to re-home him to some unsuspecting new owner who will undoubtedly find themselves in the same situation we are in. This dog is like the videotape in The Ring. The only way you survive it is to pass the burden to somebody else.

I don’t have any sociological demographics data to back up this theory, but there seems to be a strong correlation between age and frequency of shoveling snow.

When snow season begins, there are homes that get shoveled perpetually, homes that get shoveled intermittently, and some homes that don’t get shoveled at all. I find the houses that get shoveled the most frequently and the quickest after a flurry are always older people.

My propensity to shovel my driveway and sidewalk is highly dependent on the weather forecast. There’s actually a very specific weather situation that I require to even bother doing it. The snow has to be done falling for the foreseeable future, and it needs to stay cold. If it’s going to melt on its own, or if more snow is going to fall, why the hell are these people waking up at 7am, freezing their old asses off, to shovel snow?

I know I’m technically legally obligated to shovel my sidewalk, which is bullshit since I don’t technically own it, and I could get sued in the event of a skull-cracking fall due to ice that I haven’t cleared away. But nobody is enforcing this. There’s no snow officers coming around giving tickets for this. Call me lazy, or call me efficient.

Theories I’ve heard for old-timers obsession with snow clearing:

The snow will get too heavy if they wait – some validity to this

They will break their hips if they fall – you could also break your hip shoveling

They have the time because they’re retired – seems more like a flex than good house maintenance to wake up and shovel at the crack of dawn.

Leave a comment if your grandparents are obsessed with shoveling snow and generally keeping up on housework to dunk on their neighbors.

I had a summer job in college as a waiter at a barbecue restaurant owned by a guy from Arkansas. The entire wait staff was instructed to learn the first name of all their customers and use these first names in all interactions while serving. This was strictly enforced.

I remembered this job recently because I came upon another chain restaurant that was employing this tactic. The nice young shift lead asked me my name, in an otherwise empty quick-service restaurant, which I found strange, but I assumed it was just part of their sandwich building process. I was wrong, it was a customer service tactic. I was referred to by multiple staff members by my first name four different times while paying, and waiting for, my sandwiches. I know this was a strategy that emigrated from the South because the shift lead also said “y’all” 3 times in one sentence.

I did not find this level of intimacy to enhance my experience. I found it off-putting, and awkward. This is exactly how I perceived my customers to feel back at the barbecue restaurant; they would recoil in suspicious confusion when I asked their first name along with their order.

Open letter to southern people: I don’t think this first name basis thing works in the Pacific Northwest. I put up with all the “my pleasures” at Chick-Fil-A because the food is amazing and the service is efficient and consistent. The warm fuzzies just seem a bit inauthentic.

The feeling I get when a service worker I’ve never met before calls me by my first name reminds me of when a vaguely familiar looking person at my wife’s friends wedding calls me by my first name. “Oh shit, am I supposed to know you? Why do you know me?”

If you disagree, leave a comment. I think these chains should abide by our cultural norms and get rid of the buddy-buddy bullshit.

I’ve been very stressed this year. Work feels very chaotic, my infant son is draining my free time and I’ve given up 80% of my personal time. I still keep a few hobbies to myself but my exercise, healthy eating and healthy sleeping habits are gone. I’m also not good at hiding my emotions, so people notice.

I’m not ashamed people notice, I feel like the stress is unavoidable and I just need to learn to deal with it as best as I can. But one thing that annoys me is the constant advice. “Take some time” they say.

Because gender roles have weakened and the economy has worsened, women are now expected to work, and my wife does, full-time. So she’s in the same boat as I am. Stressed as fuck, aging like a moldy raisin. We both look like shit, I’m not going to lie.

Why the fuck would going on a weekend getaway help us? Spend money to procrastinate our home chores? So come Monday, I’m not caught up on sleep, the house is a mess, and I’ve got all my same work problems?

I guess the argument is to “recharge your batteries” or something. That seems a bit presumptuous. Are all my stressors just in my head? Will a mental reframing will give me a new attitude and all the stress will dissipate? Hakuna Matata? Maybe. But I doubt it.

You’ve probably seen this brand by now, it’s in all the grocery stores, who are all owned by Kroger at this point.

This Stromboli stood out to me because of the calorie count: 800. That seemed like a pretty substantial meal, especially for a glorified Hotpocket. I find that frozen meals are very subject to shrink-flation and it’s very easy to hide a wimpy portion size behind layers and layers of packaging. Just blow up the photo on the side of the box, show tons of filling oozing out the side and people assume certain things about the size and ingredient proportions. Then give them a rolled up piece of frozen bread with one pepperoni and a little teaspoon of sauce and BAM, more profit margin.

This Stromboli was baked in an oven-proof crisping tray for 32 minutes. The tray was handy; it was nice not to have to make a cookie sheet dirty for one Stromboli. During my long wait period, I lectured myself about being patient with this Stromboli and avoiding the dreaded mouth burn, of which I am highly susceptible. When the oven dinged, I was deliberate, and I cut the Stromboli open to cool more effectively.

My first issue was the Stromboli had clearly blown out the sides. Precious filling was spilling out of both sides, slowly bubbling into an unrecoverable char. I don’t know if this can be chalked up to operator error, because the dough did not seem over-cooked.

This Stromboli ended up being exactly what you would expect: tasty, but not enough filling. It was a hot bread sandwich. Obviously the filling escaping did not help this issue, but I tried my best to scrap the loose ingredients back into the Stromboli, and all you could taste was dough.

What do these frozen food companies have against sauce? Frozen burritos are always complete liquid on the inside and yet Hotpockets are nothing but bread, dry as a bone.

Even though I waited 5 solid minutes, even though I cut the Stromboli in half, I still burned my mouth.

What filling the Stromboli did have was good. Fine. Good late night snack.

2.5/5.0

As my readers know, I enjoy the convenience of frozen meals. I also thoroughly enjoy the breakfast burrito, easily one of the greatest food items ever invented. But these two worlds have never successfully collided. Why is every store-bought frozen breakfast burrito I’ve ever eaten terrible? I’ve tried to buy the fancy brands, and while some succeed moderately in the taste department, they all fail miserably in the texture department. Every frozen breakfast burrito is tiny; like the size of Nokia 3310. Then, they have this thick, tough tortilla. It’s like you’re trying to bite through a quilt. Then the inside is always this liquid sludge that is hotter than the sun, with no discernible differences in ingredient textures.

Is this a manufacturing problem? Is it food safety? Why can’t anybody just make a decent breakfast burrito and then freeze it? Why does every one taste like they injection-moulded egg and mystery meat slurry into a leather shoe?

I wish all audio books were narrated by the author, with an exception for professional narration contingent on the narrator being the only voice actor for all works by a given author. I hate hearing a familiar voice on a new book from an author I’ve never read, because it feels like the same author.